mawapril

Good evening,

So I'm 15 days sober. No booze and no cigs. Great news ya?

I had a horrible week - I had the stomach flu, my cat got into something it shouldn't have and had massive diarrhea all week. I missed a couple days of work at the beginning of the week, and today back at work I dealt with a very difficult person talking down to me.

Despite all that, I managed to go out for a work event yesterday where almost everyone got drunk and merry on wine. I was there and actually had a decent time socializing and sipping my non-alcoholic bev. HUGE win!

So anyways, today my husband picked me up from a hair appt and we went out for dinner. I was recounting what had happened at work and I had a panic attack in the restaurant. I was in the middle of chewing my food and i started crying and my throat got super tight. Long story short I ran out of the restaurant and b-lined straight to the gas station, bought a pack of cigs and smoked 2.

My husband found me and took me home. I quickly changed and ran out the house cause I absolutely NEEDED a drink(s). I walked around for an hour and sat in the park smoking. I called my guy and he sat with me on the phone in silence until I finally gave up, chucked the cigs and came home.

I didn't drink! but I feel rotten now that I smoked I feel like all the hard work I put in these past couple weeks have been tainted, and part of me failed.

It scares me cause I was so close to giving in to the other half of my demons. I don't know if I have strength to do that every time I have a melt down.

Now that I'm home and have calmed down I feel relieved but when I was out there, I didn't want to feel safe at home, I wanted to say $%^$ it and numb the pain.

This is so hard. I'm scared of having that happen again.

RillaWalser

As long as you didn't drink that's all that really matters it's hard to kick both at the same time

JK130

You're stronger than you think! And blessed to have a partner by your side. You got this, lady!

Dee74

You stayed sober Mawapril - I think that's a win

D

shockozulu

So fantastic to read you went through this and you're still sober!

Soberwolf

Congratulations Maw

Lightning Bug

What do you think the panic attack was about? Do you get them often? Panic attacks trigger me. The causes of the panic attacks don't, the actual attack. So I am learning how to deal with the reasons for the attack so I can prevent it from happening. So far it is working.

Bruno1979

I'm not trying to get you smoking again but quitting both habits at the same time is going to take a massive massive effort,

As people have said, staying sober is a big big victory,

Well done and have a great weekend,

Bruno.

D122y

Maw,

I had horrid panic attacks when I quit drinking. I used to bing drink them away.

It works for a few days, but then they cam back. So i would drink again.

Horrid cycle.

Imo....Be ready for more, but they get weaker and weaker.

I had Hellashis attacks for 6 months. At 80 days clean I thought I was going insane.

I googled it, and found this place. SR saved my life.

At 100 days, I went to an AA meeting. AA is spiritual based. They don't talk about the science behind what is going on in our bodies and mind when we quit.

I learned here that booze lessens dopamine in the brain. This lack of....happiness...leads us back to drinking. Viscous cycle.

Stay quit and find a hobby other than drinking....something bigger than yourself....AA, volunteer work, group exercise.... add to that reading, posting and helping folks on SR.

Eventually, all the weird brain and physical issues fade away. Life begins to feel normal sober.

Remember, we are all addicts now. Alcohol addiction is chronic. It never goes away. The crave will always be there....it lurks in our emotions.

For me, going on 17 months clean, the crave is like a weak call in the distance. It is calling to me sometimes....get drunk...it is ok to do once in a while....it is ok....

But, I am not going to give in...never...ever....never. Saying that...Mentally slams the door on the crave. The analytical mind defeats the emotional mind....every time.

That is why they say, post or call someone, before you take a drink. It helps defeat the crave.

That is all for now.

Thanks for the post.

Zanna

I wanted to quit both, but as people have said, that's a BIG effort. I compromised and switched to Vaping which is 90% safer than smoking x

Tonymblue

You did great. I chock that one up as a win. Keep it up.

january161992

an alcoholic who didnt drink today?

thats a true miracle !

Bird615

I see no failure here.

Quitting both at the same time can be very difficult.

I've read on here of people in early sobriety managing to stay sober at a drinking event only to relapse soon after. Maybe you could have been having a similar reaction, except you didn't drink.

The longer you stay sober and work on your recovery plan, the easier it will get.

fini

mawapril,

you went to an old "default", and that can happen when you haven't got new ones.
and, in a way, you did harm reduction.
which isn't a solution, but can be a step on the way while you're aiming for something else.
it doesn't mean inevitable failure. nor does it mean you should settle for it, it means you need more "tools".
it also doesn't mean that you can't quit both at the same time.
i've read of studies with varying results on that...some show it's easier to do both at once, others show the opposite.

look around, see what long-term sober people do, and consider doing that.

jodc

I'm a smoker. I don't believe I could do both at once.

I want you to know that I've smiled all the way through this thread;
Mawapril... Well done!