Help managing trigger
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 387
Help managing trigger
Hi all. I have this issue that if someone says something about me that isn't true or phrases it in such a way that it incorrectly portrays me in a negative way I feel a strong need to defend myself. There is no problem if I am dealing with a decent person, it is only one issue and however we resolve it, it is over so no problems.
My problem is when a dishonest person keeps sneaking in lots of these issues (think what it would be like working in an investment bank). If I defend, then I look petty. If I don't defend then it gets used against me later. Either way, I end up with a huge urge to drink. I haven't, but if I can figure out how to deal with the original situation, or how to think about it, then I can improve my probability of remaining abstinent.
Any ideas?
KP
My problem is when a dishonest person keeps sneaking in lots of these issues (think what it would be like working in an investment bank). If I defend, then I look petty. If I don't defend then it gets used against me later. Either way, I end up with a huge urge to drink. I haven't, but if I can figure out how to deal with the original situation, or how to think about it, then I can improve my probability of remaining abstinent.
Any ideas?
KP
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Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,512
I'm really glad that you are working through this as a sober person. You don't need to prove yourself or defend yourself to other people. If someone is speaking about you in a negative way or saying something untrue, maybe it's time to move on. Are you talking about a workplace relationship with a boss? If so, then you have to make a decision to let it all go, or consider another job. If it's a co-worker who is spreading lies about you, then perhaps it's time to talk to your boss and document the situations.
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Join Date: Aug 2016
Location: Nashville
Posts: 326
I work at a stressful job where a lot of the coworkers gossip about EVERYONE like it's high school. I have heard some untrue things said about me, and it really upset me at the time. But as time went on, I just realized that someone is always going to have something negative to say about you, no matter WHAT you do or don't do. It's really sad actually. So I have to make a conscious effort to not really care what anyone thinks or says about me. This may not be the least bit helpful, but it's a lesson I had to learn in my job environment.
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,444
Hi KP - I find that my reputation is usually protection enough against slander gossip or outright lies.
I know who I am nowadays - I think that goes a long way to not worrying about someone else and what they said about me.
It took me a long time to learn not to fire back, but the peace it brings is pretty good
Take the high road, & keep doing all the right things KP
D
I know who I am nowadays - I think that goes a long way to not worrying about someone else and what they said about me.
It took me a long time to learn not to fire back, but the peace it brings is pretty good
Take the high road, & keep doing all the right things KP
D
Reach Out and Touch Faith
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: On a Sailboat
Posts: 3,871
Originally Posted by keeppushing 
Hi all. I have this issue that if someone says something about me that isn't true or phrases it in such a way that it incorrectly portrays me in a negative way I feel a strong need to defend myself. There is no problem if I am dealing with a decent person, it is only one issue and however we resolve it, it is over so no problems.
My problem is when a dishonest person keeps sneaking in lots of these issues (think what it would be like working in an investment bank). If I defend, then I look petty. If I don't defend then it gets used against me later. Either way, I end up with a huge urge to drink. I haven't, but if I can figure out how to deal with the original situation, or how to think about it, then I can improve my probability of remaining abstinent.
Any ideas?
KP
My problem is when a dishonest person keeps sneaking in lots of these issues (think what it would be like working in an investment bank). If I defend, then I look petty. If I don't defend then it gets used against me later. Either way, I end up with a huge urge to drink. I haven't, but if I can figure out how to deal with the original situation, or how to think about it, then I can improve my probability of remaining abstinent.
Any ideas?
KP
SMART RecoveryŽ - Who Controls You?
People feel disturbed not by things, but by the views they take of them.' Ancient words, from a first- century philosopher named Epictetus - but they are just as true now.
Events and circumstances do not cause your reactions. They result from what you tell yourself about the things that happen. Put simply, thoughts cause feelings and behaviors. Or, more precisely, events and circumstances serve to trigger thoughts, which then create reactions. These three processes are intertwined.
The past is significant. But only in so far as it leaves you with your current attitudes and beliefs. External events - whether in the past, present, or future - cannot influence the way you feel or behave until you become aware of and begin to think about them.
To fear something (or react in any other way), you have to be thinking about it. The cause is not the event - it's what you tell yourself about the event.
Events and circumstances do not cause your reactions. They result from what you tell yourself about the things that happen. Put simply, thoughts cause feelings and behaviors. Or, more precisely, events and circumstances serve to trigger thoughts, which then create reactions. These three processes are intertwined.
The past is significant. But only in so far as it leaves you with your current attitudes and beliefs. External events - whether in the past, present, or future - cannot influence the way you feel or behave until you become aware of and begin to think about them.
To fear something (or react in any other way), you have to be thinking about it. The cause is not the event - it's what you tell yourself about the event.
http://www.smartrecovery.org/resourc...rashcourse.htm
In fact, just because I've had a horrible interaction with my landlady I'm using an ABC simply to put it in perspective.
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 387
Originally Posted by doggonecarl
Can you confront the person who is saying these things?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 387
Originally Posted by CajunPrincess
I work at a stressful job where a lot of the coworkers gossip about EVERYONE like it's high school. I have heard some untrue things said about me, and it really upset me at the time. But as time went on, I just realized that someone is always going to have something negative to say about you, no matter WHAT you do or don't do. It's really sad actually. So I have to make a conscious effort to not really care what anyone thinks or says about me. This may not be the least bit helpful, but it's a lesson I had to learn in my job environment.
Mini Novel Post Writer
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Maine
Posts: 3,649
It sucks to work in a toxic work environment.
Sometimes it can really get to you but it helps to realize that their need to talk about other people is more a reflection of who they are than you.
When I told my counselor about my work environment she suggested looking for a new job stating I would never be able to grow there.
Maybe that's something for you to consider?
Sometimes it can really get to you but it helps to realize that their need to talk about other people is more a reflection of who they are than you.
When I told my counselor about my work environment she suggested looking for a new job stating I would never be able to grow there.
Maybe that's something for you to consider?
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