Ekohe

Was doing good after a slip two and a half weeks ago. Had 10 beers last night after thinking I could just have one when my friend offered. Now I am back to where I have been so many times, worried I have done irreversible damage to my heart(despite 9 ekgs, 2 echo-cardiograms and a stress test a year and a half ago) and the anxiety has me bed ridden. I don't and can't understand why I let my gaurd down, I was doing so well.

It has been this same pattern of binges since I was 19. One night a week, throw down a bunch of beer, and regret it the next days following. Feel better by wednesday, and convince myself I can go at it again. I am now 25 and have been sick and tired of the cycle since 23. I found old "notes to self" listing reasons I want to quit drinking. It's time I take every precaution. I have contemplated moving somewhere new with a fresh start. Or I have to tell my friends that I can't be around them for a while. I have to do this for me, it has cost me my education, jobs and relationships.

january161992

8/28/16

has a nice ring to it

make it your last sobriety date

meetings
sponsor
steps
service
higher power

OfEpiphany

that's what was annoying me too, I was baffled that even though I would go sober for a while, then I would drink impulsively because of one small decision.

one small decision can ruin your sober streak, which is scary. It's like a landmine

Ekohe

Makes me feel very depressed about my lack of strength. I hate this! I can't do it anymore.

Anna

It's not a character defect - it's addiction.

You can stop drinking. Do you have a plan to support your recovery? If you look around here, you will find lots of different ways to achieve sobriety. You can do this!

Purplrks3647

It does make a big difference who you surround yourself with, and this is a great place to be! You're still young so it's good that you recognize this now, instead of letting it suck another 15 years out of your life (like I did)! Thanks for sharing.

Ghostlight1

I hear you. I drank that way until it evolved into every day drinking.
The wasted days in bed, wracked with anxiety. The guilt and remorse. The swearing it off, only a few days until the hangover was gone, and 'Hey! I can drink again. I'll control it this time.' Never worked. Back at it full speed.

I bet I poured out more booze than a normal drinker drinks in a year swearing it off. But they kept making it and I kept buying it. Twenty five years this went on.
It took AA to get me sober, and I even failed at that for awhile. But a seed had been planted in my head, here were all these people who drank similar to me and had managed to stop. I wanted it. And it took wanting it more than I wanted to drink.

I understand what you're going through. It doesn't have to be that way. You CAN quit. Myself and others here are living proof. We may go about it in different ways, but what matters is the outcome.
Don't be too hard on yourself. Try again. Keep trying. Sobriety will come.
Best to you.

Dame

Hey Ekohe,
You are still at such a young age. Enjoy your youth: you still have the time to be creative, a little impulsive, and you are trying to figure out how to make decisions. Leave last night behind and move on with your sobriety. Imagine yourself 20 years from now, looking back and feeling the peace of mind knowing you made a good, healthy decision. You can do it.

Dee74

I didn't think I had strength either...but from this distance I've proved I do...

Looking back, what I really wanted was to not have my drinking be a problem.

Once I accepted that could never be, I was able to apply my strength and stubborness to staying sober.

Maybe it's time to cross the Rubicon Ekohe?

Give up that 'functional drinking.. just one' dream for good, and make your leap into recovery and don't look back?

Give being sober all you have - I promise you won't regret it

Ekohe

Thank you all for your responses, they are all phenomenally encouraging.

I am at a point where I realize 'just one' will never be an option. Alcohol has caused me nothing but problems, it's not in my control, but what is in my control is not picking up that first drink. I will have to sit down today and write down my plan, it's time for a serious change, and I do mean serious.

doggonecarl

It's not the ten beers you drank that was bad, it was the one you thought would be okay.

Take drinking completely off the table. You can't stop binging until you stop drinking for good. Commit to that, total sobriety, and do whatever it takes to support that decision.

Ekohe

I feel that I have done irreversible damage, despite doctors tests a year and a half ago and reassurance that it is not possible, so there is no need for new tests at my age. I know that therapy will take time to work, as I just started three weeks ago.

What I don't know, is why when I have known for a while I still think the few hours of numbness 8-12 beers brings is worth the week or so afterwards with the anxiety increased 20 fold. I literally am battling thoughts that my heart will stop beating, or have an attack. It is a war-zone that seemed so clear and decided when I gave sobriety 21 days. Why do I do this, where do I see a benefit, when do I think I can moderate though I know for a fact I cannot.

I'm just so scared. I have got to never touch that first drink again. That IS in my control.

Today, just today, I feel horrible. I never want to go through this again(for the hundredth time)

Thanks for letting me vent.