Delizadee

Sr family.... I need some help.

I have been dealing with relentless rage for the past few days. It falls down into deep sadness at times but the rages are unmanageable!! I don't know if I can really contribute it to early recovery because my sobering up in the past has usually led to deep sadness, shame but a fair amount of humility. I think it's probably due to the medication I am on that I just started...
I can't get to meetings easily as I have my little one in my care but I can take her to an Alanon meeting tomorrow morning. Women's meetings with childcare start on the 7th.

I am acting like an angry drunk!!
Wisdom, advice, a smack upside the head would be appreciated.
I've tried praying. Journaling leads to angry scribbling, exercising, deep breathing, studying, walking the dogs with my little one. Sleep. Talking to people on SR.

I am a Completr @$$hole. Help me!!!

Going to call my addictions counselor right after I shower. Also my migraine from hell is not helping.

Soberpotamus

I doubt you need a head smack.

I had plenty of rage that first year. It came and went. The good news is that mine eventually subsided or resolved.

Just stay focused on your recovery and do all those positive, good things that will get you through.

It will pass.

Bunny211

Me too! Mine is largely hormonal. I get the WORST PMS ever. I want to set fire to my world and walk away. The one thing that really helps me is reaching out and helping another sick and suffering alcoholic. I have one woman I am helping out. She's a mess....so damaged from drugs and alcohol that she doesn't know if she is coming or going. I'll pick her up, get a lemonade, take a walk on the beach, give her some direction on what to do to take care of herself for the rest of the day. I get out of my head AND I get to help someone else. It really works. Maybe after your counselor you could take a hot shower and put on some lotion (I use Johnson's baby bedtime lotion), make a cup of tea and watch something mindless on Netflix?

I hear you sister! OMG my FURY and RAGE gets so intense at times. It can be scary!!

Soberwolf

Breathing exercises, practice long patience & meditation maybe a hot bath to unwind and know you always have us

Delizadee

Already had hot shower. Smoke. Washed dishes. Laundry. Clean cat box.
I would LOVE to netflix binge! HOWEVER! I am getting screwed around with this internet installation and I have NO internet and so NO netflix and I just feel like I'm about to lose my marbles!
Bunny, I think it's probably hormonal too... I feel so overmedicated right now too. I know the first couple weeks of new medication are usually rough for me. But this is all way too much for me today.
I would love to do some reaching out today. Even hit up a meeting. There is only so much I can do with a toddler in tow in a new town and being a single mom. I am frustrated beyond belief.

Soberwolf

Im sorry about the internet thing were always here join in on the weekender thread xxx

tomsteve

dali, did you have anger problems through your life?

ya know, some meetings allow youngens,too.

Dame

Right with ya, Delizadee.

Hormones! Oh yeah (just wait until Menopause starts kicking haha! )
Actually we women have quite a bit to be angry about, but god forbid we show it. When and if my toes heal, I'm SO going to be walking some of these emotions off.
Also, I was a teacher of writing and English by trade, and writing stuff down is immensely helpful, even though I need to take my own darned advice....... Even if your internet is off, do you still have a computer you can create a private document on? I like hand-writing myself, but that's kind of out of vogue.
Have you ever posted in the Women's only [right name?] section of SR? It doesn't see a lot of action, Very sorry to say. If you ever want to shout, complain, or just vent please feel free to PM me anytime.
And I hope you feel better this evening, my Dear.

Anna

Delizadee, I did a LOT of angry scribbling for months in early recovery. I had so much anger directed towards myself, I just started writing whenever it hit me. It took quite awhile, but it helped me to get the words written on paper. It seemed to take away some of their power.

Forgiving yourself is crucial to your recovery.

Delizadee

Yeah tomsteve I know. There's a women's meetings with childcare that start on Sept 7th and alanon tomorrow morning as well. I live in an area that is urban but small city and the open meetings I've been to are not suitable to bring her to. I've thought about it... the truth is I live in a rough city with a high drug and alcohol rate per capita. I don't mind bringing her to meetings if it's an appropriately safe atmosphere to do so.

Thanks everyone. I know I need to get a grip. And work through it. I know where some of the anger stems from.
I've been hot spotting off my phone for Internet so that's not the end of the world.
And yes a lot of my anger has been long standing and surrounding women and abuse issues whether it'se abusing substances or being abused. Working through issues is not fun.

Anyhow. More angry scribbling. I just want to Netflix and chill.

tomsteve

i asked that because i had it,too. i didnt have it at first when i got sober- i was miserable and in a fog. but once that fog started lifting and the misery subsided.....boy, did the anger start rearing its ugly head!
working tbrough the causes and conditions was both not fun and frustrating- i wasnt understanding the causes and conditions and that frustrated me, which sometimes led me to get angry, and sometimes into a fit of rage.
eventually it all started clicking. light bulbs would go off now and then and id be,"aha! now it makes sense!"
no, its not tbe most fum, but the great thing i read is ya going through it!
keep up the work!! it WILL start making sense!!!

Dee74

If you haven't read these they might be useful Del?

Anger
Australian Psychological Society : Managing your anger
http://www.blackdoginstitute.org.au/...mpulsivity.pdf

D

madgirl

It IS too bad the women's board isn't more active!! You are SO not alone!!!

Delizadee

I do think I'm going through something like that tomsteve. There is a LOT of work I have to do on myself and my life and I have a mountain of anger and resentment that I am just not sure how to handle. I have often dealt with anger issues in my life but I get EXTREMELY frustrated because I have no recourse in any situation because *I* am the alcoholic, I am told I don't have a leg to stand on, I am dealt with extreme skepticism, I am told to get over past abuse and my mental issue struggles.
And yes a lot of anger directed at myself but this is me here, trying to detach from other people's sh*tty, selfish, abusive behaviours without losing my marbles and CONSTANTLY taking the blame for everything. I have done so my whole life and I am so bloody sick of it.
And I talk of frustration and get told I'm throwing a pity party!
I don't pity myself! I hate myself that I let myself get walked all over my whole life and turned to the only thing I knew to comfort myself with and destroyed my whole life. Why do my feelings count for nothing at all in this? Why do I constantly get invalidated and minimized?

Blah blah blah... maybe it is self pity. I don't think it is... it just feels like a world of hurt. Am I not allowed to feel sad and angry and express it instead of drinking myself stupid?

Sometimes, I absolutely hate being a woman.

Delizadee

I also switched to taking my meds before bed and that seems to have made a HUGE difference... and I got the internet sorted out... I'm in a much better mood today. Not cheery but certainly not stomping around like a mad woman.

tomsteve

"I am told to get over past abuse and my mental issue struggles. "

ive beenntold that. ya know what was crazy? when id ask the people that said that,"how???"
no reply.

i couldnt just "get over it." it was necessary to look at everything, learn from it, and get THROUGH that.

Delizadee

Ya know what tomsteve? It took me getting the courage to start getting myself help for dealing with all these issues outside/underneath/surrounding my substance abuse issues. And when I dictated my life story to the therapist... because I dictate it like a story and the only time I get emotional is when I talk of my friend who passed away last year.
My therapist said to me, "You have EVERY right to be angry. "
And that made me MAD. Because I've been told my whole life to stuff it and to eat it and I don't know why. But it made me mad when I started talking about my life with emotion and it was OK for me to feel them.
I STILL get invalidated and told to get over it. So people are finding that I have an awfully big mouth when I'm sober now because I'm pretty sick of the being told to just get over it.


I am not so angry today. I am a little overwhelmed and frustrated. But it does help to get it out and know that I'm not alone.
I'm going to be child free tonight and tomorrow... going to hopefully find some relief and respite in some meetings.

And a crapload of Netflix.
Ok maybe just a small amount... I ought to be studying.

JoeCree

Hey now.... my mom was an art teacher growing up, and used to have Calligraphy groups at our house. It was all "older" women but i loved it. So ive kept it up and do it with my kids now.. i do think it might be a lost art though