Struggling
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: UK
Posts: 1,074
Struggling
Im really struggling at the moment, feel as tho I could be close to relapse if Im honest, so I know that I need to watch myself and also be kind to myself too.
Im working on my step 10 at the moment, and self evulation can be pretty tough going! Yesterday I behaved in the most ugly, self seeking egotistic way. Urgh. So Im feeling pretty horrible with myself.
Im trying to get my head around the fact that I have recognised it, understood why I did it, low self esteem, jealousy, wanting to be liked being the main egotistical culprits, that this infact is progress. However sitting with these feelings or just URGH and feeling horrible about myself is really really hard.
My head the last week has been completely all over the place, I sit with it, work it out, forgive myself then make the same mistake all over again and feel 1000 times worse!!!!
I can feel myself wanting to distance myself from my sponsor as and i'll be honest the jealousy I felt was connected to her. Its not her fault I know this and this is a reflection of my ego.
Im in a place right now where I am sick and tired of recovery, Im tired of battling with my head, and feelings of low self worth, but know that drinking isnt the solution as tempting as it is at the moment. I dont want to kill myself or anything like that, I guess Im just feeling sick and tired of feeling sick and tired.
Recovery. It is hard for me, right now, right this moment.
Thanks for listening.
Im working on my step 10 at the moment, and self evulation can be pretty tough going! Yesterday I behaved in the most ugly, self seeking egotistic way. Urgh. So Im feeling pretty horrible with myself.
Im trying to get my head around the fact that I have recognised it, understood why I did it, low self esteem, jealousy, wanting to be liked being the main egotistical culprits, that this infact is progress. However sitting with these feelings or just URGH and feeling horrible about myself is really really hard.
My head the last week has been completely all over the place, I sit with it, work it out, forgive myself then make the same mistake all over again and feel 1000 times worse!!!!
I can feel myself wanting to distance myself from my sponsor as and i'll be honest the jealousy I felt was connected to her. Its not her fault I know this and this is a reflection of my ego.
Im in a place right now where I am sick and tired of recovery, Im tired of battling with my head, and feelings of low self worth, but know that drinking isnt the solution as tempting as it is at the moment. I dont want to kill myself or anything like that, I guess Im just feeling sick and tired of feeling sick and tired.
Recovery. It is hard for me, right now, right this moment.
Thanks for listening.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Toronto, Canada
Posts: 378
Hi Blueberry.
I seem to recall we share the sobriety date. I am in the program, too and got through the steps - working 10,11,12 at the moment.
I just wanted to let you know I'm going through a very similar stage in recovery - seeing all my defects and shortcomings, feeling very selfish and struggling with accepting myself.
I seem to be doing better the last few days - what worked for me is acceptance, more meetings, more recovery work (a lot of prayer, meditation, sitting in discomfort), trying to focus on service (not only in the program, but in life in general). Also remembering that guilt, remorse and morbid reflection decrease my usefullness for others.
Trust the process and hang in there. Turn it over.
Sending you a big hug!
I seem to recall we share the sobriety date. I am in the program, too and got through the steps - working 10,11,12 at the moment.
I just wanted to let you know I'm going through a very similar stage in recovery - seeing all my defects and shortcomings, feeling very selfish and struggling with accepting myself.
I seem to be doing better the last few days - what worked for me is acceptance, more meetings, more recovery work (a lot of prayer, meditation, sitting in discomfort), trying to focus on service (not only in the program, but in life in general). Also remembering that guilt, remorse and morbid reflection decrease my usefullness for others.
Trust the process and hang in there. Turn it over.
Sending you a big hug!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2016
Location: Littleton
Posts: 80
I am feeling really down today too for some reason. I don't want to drink, however, I also don 't want to feel sad and lonely. It's like a combat zone in my head today. I'm going to try and get through it and just go to bed. I hope you start feeling better, I'm not glad you feel this way, I'm glad I'm not the only one today. Sleep tight, let's both not be hung over tomorrow.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Toronto, Canada
Posts: 378
I re-read your post. You are doing so well, just coming here and sharing this!
You are by no means losing it. You are right on track!
Have you read "Spirituality of imperfection"? Someone in the rooms recommended it and it proved really helpful to me.
“To deny our errors is to deny ourself, for to be human is to be imperfect, somehow error—prone. To be human is to ask unanswerable questions, but to persist in asking them, to be broken and ache for wholeness, to hurt and to try to find a way to healing through the hurt...Spirituality accepts that "If a thing is worth doing, it is worth doing badly.” Ernest Kurtz
One of my favourite quotes :-) I can't recommend this book enough! Great addition to the program.
You are by no means losing it. You are right on track!
Have you read "Spirituality of imperfection"? Someone in the rooms recommended it and it proved really helpful to me.
“To deny our errors is to deny ourself, for to be human is to be imperfect, somehow error—prone. To be human is to ask unanswerable questions, but to persist in asking them, to be broken and ache for wholeness, to hurt and to try to find a way to healing through the hurt...Spirituality accepts that "If a thing is worth doing, it is worth doing badly.” Ernest Kurtz
One of my favourite quotes :-) I can't recommend this book enough! Great addition to the program.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: UK
Posts: 1,074
Im feeling tons better, spoke with a friend and my sponsor, did a little meditation too. The fog is lifting - thank god!!! Gonna get to a meet tonight and catch the meteor shower to round my day off. Thank god for this forum and AA. Im sober and intend to stay that way... just for today 
Catch 22
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: South Africa
Posts: 327
I feel with you. This week has been horrid. My sponsor did not pitch for a meeting, I have two birthday parties over the weekend that I have to attend pretending that I am having a good time without booze. Feeling just totally flat.
Giving up is NOT an option.
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Western Wisconsin
Posts: 7,809
I was in that same spot a week or so ago. Also working 10, 11, 12. I'm a year and a half or so sober, and realizing how much work I still have to do. It really got me down. The pink cloud is long gone, and I'm able to see my defects of character much more clearly. That's hard to face. But at the same time, I realize this is a good thing. I'll just keep plugging away.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
I suppose we just have to remember those really important words... progress, not perfection. Those character defects never completely disappear, but we learn to recognise them rearing their heads sooner and sooner as we practice applying the program to all areas of our life on a daily basis. The day we think we've been perfect and everything that went wrong was completely other people's fault? THAT is when we've gone backwards.
We haven't got to keep hating on ourselves because we're not perfect. It's more a process of knowing our weaknesses so that we're increasingly able to spot them as they're happening so that we don't react to them like we once would have done. So, we might recognise that little fear of being overlooked or left out forming and start to rattle us, but understand that its just our character defects making us feel that there is a problem, and choose not to act on it. That's recovery. We none of us just get rid of the defects and never think or feel anything negative again. But we can act appropriately despite those feelings because of our new self-knowledge and the tools we use each day to keep us mindful.
And it does get easier.
We haven't got to keep hating on ourselves because we're not perfect. It's more a process of knowing our weaknesses so that we're increasingly able to spot them as they're happening so that we don't react to them like we once would have done. So, we might recognise that little fear of being overlooked or left out forming and start to rattle us, but understand that its just our character defects making us feel that there is a problem, and choose not to act on it. That's recovery. We none of us just get rid of the defects and never think or feel anything negative again. But we can act appropriately despite those feelings because of our new self-knowledge and the tools we use each day to keep us mindful.
And it does get easier.
Guest
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 8,674
^^^What berrybean said about progress not perfection.
I just did step 4 - I broke each of the four lists into time assignments; I did one then each separately. I didn't let myself get overwhelmed with them. I think it is ok to step aside from a specific "step assignment" we need to do - ie, go to sleep, watch a movie, whatever- and come back after a little break. Keep doing your daily devotionals/reading/whatever AA stuff you do, and remember it is not a race to "Finish" any of the steps; truly, we are never done with them since they apply to life all the time!
You can do it.
I just did step 4 - I broke each of the four lists into time assignments; I did one then each separately. I didn't let myself get overwhelmed with them. I think it is ok to step aside from a specific "step assignment" we need to do - ie, go to sleep, watch a movie, whatever- and come back after a little break. Keep doing your daily devotionals/reading/whatever AA stuff you do, and remember it is not a race to "Finish" any of the steps; truly, we are never done with them since they apply to life all the time!
You can do it.
~sb
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: MD
Posts: 15,967
Step 5 is where I learned that I am human and that I am okay with me being me. The rest is just learning to live soberly. Being aware of any defects of character are one thing, obsessing over them is another....
Give those things that you see as defects to your higher power. HP will help you realize that sometimes a defect of character can be an asset. Be useful to another person and let go of those selfish things (including berating yourself for having defects or obsessing over them). We are not saints nor are we perfect. Our higher power is like a gardener, they chose when to take away a defect of character and when the defect of character can be used.....
Focus on being useful to others and breathe, relax, be still.....
Give those things that you see as defects to your higher power. HP will help you realize that sometimes a defect of character can be an asset. Be useful to another person and let go of those selfish things (including berating yourself for having defects or obsessing over them). We are not saints nor are we perfect. Our higher power is like a gardener, they chose when to take away a defect of character and when the defect of character can be used.....
Focus on being useful to others and breathe, relax, be still.....
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