MIRecovery

As many of you know I made it through my daughter's cancer and death sober. To say I'm doing OK is a lie. In reality I'm doing horrible but I'm solidly sober. The grief never leaves and every day is very hard. Maybe it is the anniversary of here death maybe it is her birthday in August without her. I don't know but emotionally I'm in a bad place.

IMO this whole sobriety journey is about building the life i always wanted. A life that is happy, joyous and free. I am broken and likely always will be but that does not mean I can't be better than I am.

I did some research and found some resources that seem to help. I guess what I'm saying is if you want to be sober you better be content and if your not content you better figure out why and fix it.

Not drinking is only the first step in a life long journey where the goal is to be just a little bit better than the day before

Melina

Thank you.
Hugs.

bandicoot2

(((MIRecovery))) Wise words as always.....Thank you for sharing.

Leezer

I WHOLEHEARTEDLY agree with you....being discontent is fuel for drinking...sobriety is far more than merely not drinking, and I do not believe recovery can be maintained if one is stuck in a constant state of flux and discontentment....

Big hugs to ya.

jessie65

So true. I'm still working on the things that drove me to drink..

Sorry about your daughter. I can't imagine that kind of pain.

Soberwolf

It's ok to not be ok Mir I'm not sure if I have asked before but have you thought about grief counselling - I myself asked for some counselling recently and im just waiting on them getting back to me

I cant understand the pain of your loss as I'm not a parent but I can see just how much you miss & love your daughter and I feel helpless sometimes as your a genuine friend and I want to help but don't know how all I can say is if you ever need a shoulder I'm there

Thank you for helping me become a better person Mir

aasharon90

When I don't feel up to par whether
it be physically, spiritually, emotionally,
I always remember what I learned
many one days at a time sober ago
that This Too Shall Pass.

And sure enough I always come out
of whatever ails me and that's the
experience, strength and hope that
I carry with me each and
every single day that I remain sober.

MIRecovery

Yes it is OK to not be OK. What has recently helped the most is a forum I found in Facebook called losing a child. It is a private closed group which is as it should be. For the first time I have found a group of people that do understand. I have come to realize two years is nothing and I'm at only the beginning of the process, that healing never comes but what happens you learn how to live in both worlds as best you can. It is so relieving to know that what I'm going through is completely normal. To give you an idea here is a post from this morning.

Please-Just. Listen.

It’s hard-it’s hard to stay the words that come unbidden to mind and threaten to fly out of your mouth.

It takes restraint. And patience. And wisdom.

But when I finally open my locked box of hurt and pain and memories and heartache-please, please-just listen.

I know better than you that nothing anyone says, or does or hopes to do can change the facts.

Dominic’s not here-he’s there.

And I also know that makes you feel helpless. I feel helpless too.

I’m not looking for pity. I don’t want attention. I have no desire to make you sad.

I have to let it out or I’ll burst. If others saw the fullness of emotions brimming in my heart they would stand amazed that I could push them down and keep them inside so much of the time.

But speaking my sorrow is empowering.

It provides a witness. It means that he matters, that I matter and that this awful reality is recognized by someone other than just me.

When you shut me down or shut me out I. am. crushed.

Again.

In the end, you can walk away. You have another life to go back to. My pain is tangential to the reality of your every day.

It is central to mine.

So, please-encourage my heart with compassionate presence and just listen.

Author: Melanie
I am a shepherd, wife and mother of four amazing children, three that walk the earth with me and one who lives with Jesus. This is a record of my grief journey and a look into the life I didn't choose.

biminiblue

That post by Melanie is the crux of the matter, in many ways.

I stopped sharing deep important pain with most people. They just serve platitudes or worse, they minimize my pain. But then, people have feet of clay and it is to be expected I suppose. Most of us don't know what to say but like Melanie's post states, we feel like we have to say . . .something.

If I take it to God, I know it's safe with Him. I know He knows me. I know every part of me has been understood, and I know I will be okay.

sugarbear1

Sending you love and hugs

In my experience, grief is its own entity and really doesn't leave us. I know grief well. I won't allow it to make me drink today.

AdelineRose

I had to accept is okay to not be okay also. I lost my father suddenly at 25 (I am 26 now) and now my mom has been diagnosed with cancer and through my mom being sick I am more solid in my recovery in my life- but that doesn't mean I don't cry, get mad at life, or I have also accepted it is okay to still have those happy moments together.

HUGS- finding others to connect with does help, finding what works for each and every one of individually is the most important thing. We don't need to isolate ourselves- we need to reach out, lean on others, and connect.

Dame

This resonated with me. I'm only 2 months into abstinence. I have only experienced a sense of relief from the ups and downs of withdrawal once. I felt good. This made me overconfident, and I lapsed. Now I worry about feeling good on the regular. Will I feel good enough that I will think I can drink (moderately or otherwise)? It's scary to fear feeling good because you might make a terrible mistake.

Dee74

I've never lost a child - I don't have one to lose, and I'm always wary of being facile in threads like these....

but I think everyone deserves healing and peace - and I wish both for you MIR

Delilah1

Hi MIR,

I know there aren't words to make this any easier, and I am so proud of you for remaining resolute in your sobriety. I'm glad you found a group on FB for support, maybe adding counseling in will help.

Just want to send lots of love and hugs your way.

❤️ Delilah

HopeandFaith1

Mirecovery I am so sorry to hear you are not doing well. I just want to let you know my thoughts and prayers are with you and that I truly appreciate the honesty and wisdom of your posts. I hope you continue to let us know how you are doing on your journey and that you are able to find peace, which I am sure your dear daughter would want for you as well.

MIRecovery

These are wonderful words for every situation in life that I know of with the exception of losing a child. I now have talked to too many with 10 and 15 years since their child has died and the pain is just as intense as it ever was. They are just are better at putting on the face the world wants to see. We get better at dealing with grief but that does not make it any less. Unfortunately this is not something that will pass. It is a permanent injury. Sort of like losing a limb. Life goes on, you learn coping skills but you never ever will be the same person

Zebra1275

I've followed your story and as I have two daughters in their mid 20's, the grief your going through hit's home.

At an AA meeting a few months ago, the topic came up about what future events might most challenge one's sobriety. The loss of a child and the loss of a spouse were at the top of the list. I applaud your continued sobriety in the face of such incredible loss.

Peace to you.

Hevyn

That Facebook group you found sounds very helpful. Those are valuable thoughts Melanie shared. Just knowing we're not alone helps to some degree. We love you, MIR.

skipper123

my heart breaks for you every time I read about your daughters death. We are not suppose to lose our children. I have two girls and cant even imagine how I would handle such a tragedy . The fact that you can remain sober and healthy is incredible. You must be a lot stronger than you think you are. I admire your positive attitude and agree that the pain from losing a child never goes away. I imagine it takes a piece of your heart. God bless you!!

MIRecovery

Thanks. There is a line I think that sums up my experience, "You don't know how strong you are until you have no other choice." I would have no problems with dying tomorrow but that doesn't look like it is going to happen so you just keep on keeping on making the best of the world God has given me. When a child dies it doesn't take a piece of your heart. It take a piece of your soul. Hearts heal souls don't.