Feel like it's kinda my fault ?

Old 07-13-2016, 04:35 AM
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Location: Midwest
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Feel like it's kinda my fault ?

My long time alcoholic bf recently moved out, which has devastated me. He says he needs to work on demons and figure things out... I'm being supportive & working on my life too. Part of me feels like I wasn't strong enough when he was here, that I didn't set boundaries .. I didn't tell him what to do re drinking, although would mention when I thought it was getting a bit much . Never anything abusive to me or kids -actually was the opposite-- was always the kindest most gentle guy I've known, but would get wrapped up in his own head at times at " shut off"-- which I know was when he was battling. If he wanted to have drinks when we went to do stuff on weekends we did.. Or other times it was zero and her go back to meetings and stuff, we talked and I told him that I wanted him to be ok,& would be supportive, but he had to make those decisions for himself not because I told him what to do.
This move had been only a couple of weeks, and we have seen each other . He told me he's going back to aa... I'm proud of him and want him to be successful & again am being supportive , but am scared... I don't want to enable but also want to be there for my love... I'm realizing I've became very codependent ..& it scares me.
How much of this is my fault ? I've never met anyone I've bonded with or been more in love with.. We connect on a different level & I feel he's my true soul mate .
I want him to be healthy,& be ok... But know I also need to be, I'm working on me& changing some things. We are living apart and taking things slow . but I'll be honest this is killing me.
I guess I don't know where I fit in .. What I do or don't do.. I'm kinda lost without him here...
Did I help crate the problem ? And what do I do from here ?
soinlove is offline  
Old 07-13-2016, 04:53 AM
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A Day at a Time
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Location: Grand Rapids MI
Posts: 6,435
You didn't cause it

You can't control it

You can't cure it

This words are from ALANON. When he decides to get and stay sober there is hope for the relationship until then he is in love with alcohol not you
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Old 07-13-2016, 05:32 AM
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Are you going to Al-Anon or any other support group for the significant-others-of? Making plans - concrete ones- for how you will handle interaction with him? Does it need to be NO communication, for your sake? Those kinds of things.

Good luck. Look around here for support from those dealing with the same stuff.
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Old 07-13-2016, 06:49 PM
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Thank you for the input.. I've started seeing a counselor, who also has recommended I start al-anon meetings, which I'm going to do soon.
What's scaring me I guess is how totally lost I feel without him here... I know I was a person & had a life before I knew him, but now I'm just going through the motions ... Lots of anxiety meds so I can at least sleep , eating is a different story. I don't want to not talk to him, it's actually that exact thing that makes me feel ok again, when I hear from him or see him, but after that I fall apart again . Well that's not totally true... Sometimes I fall apart, yesterday was one of those days... Today I fe better.
How do I know how much of this is alcohol & how much is him being afraid of commitment ?... I mean we've been together over three years.. The longest ever for him ..
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Old 07-13-2016, 08:18 PM
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That's impossible to know--I doubt he knows if he's been drinking hard for years.
Getting sober is the tip of the iceberg in terms of figuring out who you are and
why you do things.
It has been for me anyway.

You didn't cause the problem, and only he can choose to stop and figure out
these things.
Be strong, work on yourself and getting to be happy with or without him.
Not easy I know, but necessary for healthy and secure relationship
which is a good model for your kids.
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