smadams11

How? For everything?

How did this happen?
How did it get so far?
How come it happened to me?
How can it possibly be so hard?
How long must it continue?
How will I ever feel better?
How do I stop (no but how do I stop)?
How will life be in a year, 3 years, 5 years?
How can I change?
How can I quit it when it feels like such a part of me?
How can I be doing an ordinary task and get hit so violently with the thought that I need a drink immediately?
How will I ever manage to sleep again?
How do I cope with the emotions that are coming to the surface?
How is it that I feel terribly numb but overcome with emotions at the same time?
How will my children be affected by this?
How long and how hard do I have to fight?
How have I damaged my poor body, mind and soul through this?
How will quitting change me as a person?
How will I manage if my entire personality changes?
How will I know who I really am?
How is it possible that I feel half dead?
How come I need to change, how am I the problem?
How can I stop being so grumpy and tired?
How do I put other worries aside while I fight for sobriety?
How will I know when I have 'made it'?
How do I know if it will ever actually end?
How could I possibly fight it every day of my life?
How did I get into this mess?
How did I allow myself to stay there for so long?
How will I deal with this guilt?
How is it possible I want to survive while wanting to destroy myself? How can I possibly quit?
How can I possibly not?
How will I survive if I continue?
How is this fair?
How bad will these feelings get?
How hard will the AV push back?
How will I cope when my resolve falters?
How to resist when unutterably bored?
How will I learn a whole new way of living and coping?
How come I love and hate alcohol in equal measures yet always be so forgiving of its cruelty?
How is it possible to be this confused?
How can something as simple as a drink mess with my mind so much?
How will I cope when I'm feeling weak, how do I manage to never be weak?
How can not drinking a stupid drink be the biggest problem in my life?
How can not doing something even be a problem in the first place?!
How do I escape my thoughts, how do I learn to live with them?
How can my biggest comfort make me feel so bad?
How is it that being sober can feel so abnormal?
How did I end up here, like this?

I think I'm going to do a jigsaw and take my mind off things.

leviathan

Valid questions. Sounds like my mind...

Almost all of these I can answer (for myself) now.

This is one of those deals that truly takes a bit of faith. Faith that the answers will come.

Stay off the booze. Focus on fixing and improving. The answers will come.

Dee74

Hi smadams

you posted in our News forum so I moved the thread for you

I think there's two ways you can go.

You can wait and try and find answers to these questions - it may take years, if at all; or you can simply stop drinking and put all your efforts behind that decision.

I think option 2 is the only real option - you can always come back to the questions later, with a clearer head

D

doggonecarl

I'm with Dee on this one. Quit thinking and quit drinking.

Mountainmanbob

For some getting sober is just part of growing up. Not always easy but, it is what we are suppose to do.

My thoughts, better late than never.

Mountainman

sugarbear1

I answered these for me.


How did this happen? I think I was born with a propensity for alcoholism
How did it get so far? Life continues when we are messed in the head....
How come it happened to me? Why not me? Could have been something worse!

How can it possibly be so hard? Alcoholism is being studied regularly. I personally think it's a brain-body connection with the pancreas, how I metabolize sugar and who knows what else! I'm a rush junkie!

How long must it continue? Until I decided to end the deal.
How will I ever feel better? I gave Time time. I worked on me, I am healing from years of drinking/partying.

How do I stop (no but how do I stop)? I had to get sick and tired of being sick and tired. It did happen, but it took a long, long time for me. I was 50 and partying like I was 25.....

How will life be in a year, 3 years, 5 years? I could not have answered that one when I was at the end of my drinking. My life was total chaos. 5 years later, I love sobriety and I love life! Who knew?!!?

How can I change? One day at a time, one foot in front of the other. I used AA, but it's not for everyone nor is it the only way. Find something and do it like it's a matter of life and death!

How can I quit it when it feels like such a part of me? I mourned the loss. I moved forward and began to grow up.

How can I be doing an ordinary task and get hit so violently with the thought that I need a drink immediately? For me, it's because I don't do emotions well. I like a rush, I just loved being drunk, but it wasn't really living. It was a charade!

How will I ever manage to sleep again? It took me several months. I found that falling asleep to a ted talk or an AA speaker or a guided meditation helps me.

How do I cope with the emotions that are coming to the surface? I had to feel them. I didn't like to, but it was the only way. I also worked the 12 steps into my life. I learned how to live sober again.

How is it that I feel terribly numb but overcome with emotions at the same time? Again, I don't do feelings well. It was a new experience for me and it still takes time getting used to!

How will my children be affected by this? Oy. Hard one. Only they can tell you.
How long and how hard do I have to fight? How long and hard did you drink? Everyone is different. I learned to stop fighting and to surrender, from there, the rest began to get better.

How have I damaged my poor body, mind and soul through this? Time will tell about my body, my mind and soul are quite strong today.
How will quitting change me as a person? I feel that I am a better person sober and that others enjoy me being sober. This includes my cat!
How will I manage if my entire personality changes? I am just a better version of me, but again, it took time and work.

How will I know who I really am? This is the cool part. Today I do know me so much better! What a relief! I'm an okay person just like you or you or them.....
How is it possible that I feel half dead? Drinking is not living. I was so dead inside at one point and I changed that by not drinking, one day put against another, then another....

How come I need to change, how am I the problem? I have flawed thinking, I self sabotage and create problems. Drinking made it worse! I have the steps and principles around those steps that help me manage life sober.
How can I stop being so grumpy and tired? Time. Sobriety. It will all fall into place, just not in MY time!
How do I put other worries aside while I fight for sobriety? If I can't do anything about a situation this second, I learn to let it go, for now. I make a plan of action, I carry out that plan. I have alternatives, sometimes I just have to sit still....

How will I know when I have 'made it'? When another person told me I was different and inside me, I knew things were different, that is when I believed I had made it.
How do I know if it will ever actually end? Not sure what is ending here. This question was asked already, but when I was done with the nonsense, I was on my journey of sobriety.

How could I possibly fight it every day of my life? Surrender. Knowing I can't drink safely is a key for me. You can choose to drink, I say I've drunk enough. Let's try sobriety for a while longer!
How did I get into this mess? Asked previously. I think my body is flawed just like another person is prone to other ailments, I am prone to not drink like a typical drinker. I am revved up by drinking, another person is put to sleep. I can't drink enough, another person barely drinks half a glass and begins to feel it. I want to continue feeling it....

How did I allow myself to stay there for so long? This question is really hard cause I really made horrible decisions when drinking. Today, I can let others know I made it through life and through horrible decisions and today, I don't have to live like that.

How will I deal with this guilt? I have those steps. And time. And I don't act that way now.
How is it possible I want to survive while wanting to destroy myself? I really didn't want to die drunk. I hated being sober. I was between a rock and a hard place and had to try something. I tried those pesky steps and they helped me.
How can I possibly quit? Sticking with SR, sticking with those who also overcame the drinking, meetings, step work, sponsor, sponsoring others. Volunteering, living happily today.

How can I possibly not? Exactly! Although for me, it still took more years of trying before I could stay stopped. What a waste of time I was.
How will I survive if I continue? I am strong. I am weak. I rely on others. I rely on myself. There is something in the universe that keeps my heart beating. Why not try being sober today?

How is this fair? Life isn't fair. Learn this early in life.
How bad will these feelings get? I've lived through hangovers and through the wrath of lots of ill people I've had in my life (other users, drinkers, relatives, significant others, sad, angry people), and other stuff. I can get through this!

How hard will the AV push back? As hard as it wants. It can be kept away, if I am diligent!
How will I cope when my resolve falters? Are you done drinking or do you want to die a slow, miserable alcoholic death? Solved.

How to resist when unutterably bored? I define bored. Then I create a plan to abolish this from my life with activities and follow-through. Goals help, too!
How will I learn a whole new way of living and coping?One second at a time adds up.

How come I love and hate alcohol in equal measures yet always be so forgiving of its cruelty? I have a great forgetter. Plus, alcohol serves a purpose for me, when I did drink. Today, I have things that are positive that have replaced it.
How is it possible to be this confused? Alcohol clouds me and my brain, which is already flawed. Double whammy here!

How can something as simple as a drink mess with my mind so much? It used to be used before surgery as an anesthetic. Ow.

How will I cope when I'm feeling weak, how do I manage to never be weak? I don't have to act on my weakness. I make sure I am not isolating and I share some things with other people. Sometimes I keep a friend around as a "babysitter" in early recovery. I do what I have to so I won't drink.

How can not drinking a stupid drink be the biggest problem in my life? It was the answer for me. I needed to find a new one. I left the drink and replaced it with friends, activities, work, stuff to do and be useful with.

How can not doing something even be a problem in the first place?! Now you are just over-thinking (talking to self). Stop now!
How do I escape my thoughts, how do I learn to live with them? WE can do this with help from those who have learned this. Takes time and practice.
How can my biggest comfort make me feel so bad? Great question! Just how alcoholism is. and I can't afford to consider this question, my head might explode now.

How is it that being sober can feel so abnormal? Maybe since I hadn't been sober since I was about 14. Most of my life was spent not being sober, I had to learn to live life sober again. Time. Time time time time time, f'in time. But it can be done.

How did I end up here, like this? I think this is the third question....same thing. Why I got here (or how) doesn't always matter, except I know it was drinking (and using some drugs) and I can't drink or drug today. Problem solved.

Thanks for bringing my head back to that horrible dark and lonely place when I was first sober. I have made it 5 years, I think you can at least try to stay stopped a year. I challenge you!

Love and Hugs to you,
~SB

Ruby2

Oh that squirrel cage of a million thoughts rushing around in my head, all at the same time. I hate when that happens.

For me there is no answer about when, how and why I'm an alcoholic because it doesn't make a difference anymore. I can't reset the clock and change any of it. I can only accept that it is.

Early sobriety isn't easy. Ups and downs, back and forth. Thoughts whirling. Why me? This isn't fair! How come she can and I can't? When will I feel better?

The longer I went, the easier it got. Sleep suddenly started happening. Anxiety gradually slipped away. I started eating better.

You just have to find a way to stick with it. I texted sober friends like crazy. I was here on SR constantly. Reading AND posting. I attended AA meetings. Still do. I established a daily routine that I still stick with. Over time, my kids knew they could count on me. My family knew they could count on me. Friends knew they could count on me. But the best? I knew I could count on me.

Hang in there

Ultramarathoner

You clearly put a lot of thought into the "How" and pose valid questions.

It may help to take a step back and focus on the "What" and "Why". When the reasons to change are powerful enough- one can more easily navigate the "How".

Some other questions to help clarify your purpose include

What's the legacy I want to leave?
Why do I want to change / Who will I impact?
What does my ideal life look like?
What's my passion?
What would I do if I knew I couldnt fail?
What if I made a resolute choice to become alcohol free?
What are three things that would improve by becoming alcohol free?

couchloc

Good questions. Keep that jigsaw handy.

smadams11

I wasn't feeling at all good but I did my jigsaw and didn't drink. Thank you all.

tomsteve

a jioolion questions early one- many of which I don't think having the answer will help.

just what I read ,though, the simple answer can be
because youre an alcoholic.

answers will come in T.I.M.E.

or youll forget you had these questions.