Madridista93

I stopped drinking alcohol a year ago (I'm 23), I had serious anxiety and used alcohol as a relief for my anxiety, it worked for a year or two but then it got out of control and I started having serious negative effects. I had many close friends and group of friends with who I used to go out and of course at this age have a drink. However; when I stopped drinking on a personal matter things got much better but in regards to my friends I have lost a lot of contacts and friendships because I would find an excuse to not go out to the bar or club, I kept on giving excuses so they thought I was actually ignoring them, so most stopped contacting me. If I do go out I always stress on what I should say for not drinking alcohol, it is quite sad that I have to give an "excuse", what has happened to our world? Because I stress on my excuse I tend to avoid going out with friends, it is hard to find people in their twenties not drinking when going out even though I would love to go for a nice dinner or do other activities that do not have to involve drinking. The problem is everything involves drinking nowadays and I don't want to lose friends as well but I do not want to be open about my past problems. What would you do in a similar situation? I would love to hear your advice

ScottFromWI

Welcome Madridista! It's a common myth that "everything involves alcohol". There are many people in the world who go about their days without ever taking a sip, and not all of them are alcoholics. People choose to abstain for religious reasons, cultural reasons, all kinds of reasons. And MOST of those who do drink alcohol only drink on occasion and in moderation.

The problem is that we ( alcoholics ) tend to associate with people and places that involve binge drinking. And unfortunately, breaking that habit sometimes means making new friends. I found that most of the friends that I lost when I quit were really just "drinking buddies". We really had nothing on common other than our shared interest in alcohol.

So you have 2 issues that you need to solve, and simply "not drinking" will not cure either of them.

The first is your anxiety - if it's unchecked and untreated you will most likely continue to have the social/life issues you currently have. Anxiety is a very treatable condition via therapy/meds/behavior modification,e tc - have you ever seen a therapist or counselor? It could really help. A lot of people tried self-medicating anxiety with alcohol over their lives, but it doesn't work of course. And when you stop drinking the anxiety doesn't dissapear - you need to treat it as a distinct and separate issue.

Regarding the social thing, have you ever been involved in a local recovery group? That's a great place to meet people who are in the same situation. Volunteering is another great way to meet people that will also help you spiritually. Sports, book clubs, volunteer organizations, churches, are on the short list of places you can go and meet people who have a lot of fun without drinking.

And yes, alcohol can be found just about anywhere, but you don't need to use it just because it's there. You have a choice in the matter at all times.

Madridista93

Thank you very much Scott for your fantastic reply.

I am dealing with my anxiety slowly and by taking the required medecation, I do feel much better, it is just that the issue of friendship of loneliness haunts me a bit. It is easy to say that I can go out with my friends who drink and not drink any alcohol but i think in our cases it would be bothering, I could hang out for an hour or two but probably not more.

I wanted to ask you on how you dealt with friends and how did you manage to still go out without this burden of alcohol bothering you as it is in your face. Did you lose any friendships? Did you to explain or make excuses when asked why you don't drink?

How do you feel now?

Thanks!

ScottFromWI

As I mentioned, most of the "friends" that I lost were not really friends, they were just drinking acquaintances. And since I no longer go to the bars that I used to hang out with them at, I really don't ever see them anyway. There are a handful of them that I still see and stay in contact with for various reasons, and I simply told them I quit drinking. Believe it or not, the response was quite positive, a couple of them said they thought they should probably quit too.

But other than those small number of people, no one asks me "why" I don't drink. It's another carryover from our addiction - we obsess about it, but in real life no one cares if you are drinking or not, for the most part no one even notices one way or the other. Sure - if you go hang out at a bar people might ask, but I don't hang out at bars anymore. I have no reason to - I don't drink so there's nothing for me there anyway.

Soberwolf

Welcome

SoberCAH

Sobriety is a life and death matter to me.

I had to give up my tavern "friends", but my life in recovery has been immeasurably better than my drinking life.

I have many more friends today than I did when I was drinking.

I am certainly happy you're here with us.

Congrats on getting sober so young.

You are blessed.

Madridista93

Thanks for your message! What was your experience, was it similar to mine?

How do you feel now?

zoomi

I am really glad you quite so early..I'm 26 and I kinda feel the same, I have to ignore my friends now and it's really hard!

Berrybean

I didn't lose 'friends', but some people who I'd thought were friends turned out to be just drinking acquaintances. That happens to most people though, so I'm not taking it personally.

One of the things i did was think through to those people who I'd stopped bothering with because the DIDN'T drink, and I wrote to the ones who'd been good friends for a long time that I regretted neglecting. And a couple write back and I've had some nice days with those people. I'm in my 40s, and these are people I lost touch with in my late teens. So I consider those renewed friendships a real gift.

I've also joined different clubs and classes and found new acquaintances that way. Not necessarily close friends, but people to share interests with. (A choir, fitness groups, a creative writing group, etc). I've also got more involved in church and got to know some people there better as well.

My main place for meeting close friends has been AA though. Obviously not everyone turns into a close friend, but just have a few from there. And these are people who I can share a different degree of honesty with than any friends I've ever had, because they understand my thinking and my past behaviour and do not judge at all.

I've also found that I'm now much closer to my mum than I ever have been as an adult, so she is a close friend now as well, and I really look forward to spending fun time with her now (before visits were treated as a chore that just kept me away from the bar and my drinking buddies - how horrible is that!!?).

Anyway. I don't feel the need for so many friends now as I wanted before. Sometimes I think I needed more friends before so that I didn't pee any of them off too quickly. I liked to spread myself a bit thinly because I was never 100% honest with anyone and didn't want to get caught out, or for anyone to see through the shiny exterior that I built up to protect myself and impress people. None of that is necessary now. My insides and outsides are in alignment. And if people don't like me, that's unfortunate, but I am who I am. I try to treat people well, and if that's not good enough, well, hey. Whatever.

Zebra1275

Ask yourself, "did you lose friends, or drinking buddies."

There is a world of difference.