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Old 06-02-2016, 06:22 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Drinking buddy in town tomorrow


I'm at 8 days now which is where I usually start wondering if I can get away with a few social drinks. A drinking buddy will be here tomorrow and be staying the weekend. His family is friends with mine. We usually spend most of the weekend drinking different beers while the wife and the kids play together. So it will be a very unusual situation. I think I'll stock up on tea and just have that instead, but could lead to some uncomfortable times. I've also been in the habit of early to bed and early rise which I think helps with my sobriety, but that may be more difficult with company. I think I'll be fine, but just a bit anxious about what will transpire.
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Old 06-02-2016, 06:25 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Planning ahead is a good thing. You'll need to set boundaries and be upfront that you aren't drinking, and you'll want to stick to your new sleep schedule too as much as possible. Have you told your friend that you don't drink anymore? I would let him know before he arrives.
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Old 06-02-2016, 06:29 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Choose to do things and go places that don't involve alcohol. Do family stuff that includes the wives and kids. Lunch at a place that doesn't serve alcohol- that can be tough since most places do but it IS possible - and perhaps limit the time you spend with just him, and make it not every minute. If you can explain to him you are not drinking, do it; if not, maybe you need to white lie through this one why you are not.

You said this is a vulnerable time for you - do everything you can to protect yourself. If he is really a friend- if you are spending family-related, and linked-by-family time with him, he should still be there as a friend now that you are sober. 8 days is a lot to "chance it" - to put yourself to a test that clearly makes you apprehensive...lean on your wife, again, make plans that don't involve drinking, come here for reinforcement.

You did 8 days! Here's to it being 9, then 10, then 12 by the time visit is done!

Good luck.
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Old 06-02-2016, 06:34 AM   #4 (permalink)
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8 days is pretty early to be hanging out with a drinking buddy.

what worked for me in "drinking buddy" situations was to hit it right up front and hit it hard:

"I've chosen sobriety because drinking isn't supporting how I want to live..... I'm looking forward to hanging out, but need you to know I'm not going to be drinking".

Then having a clear plan for;

What I WILL have on hand to drink

Activites to do together - to help avoid too many just 'dead' spaces that would easily be filled with temptation to drink

Upon inquiry - being prepared to share with my buddy some of my reasons for choosing sobriety... being ready to be open and honest about it. A BUDDY can be an ally - and getting some of the fear of being different or lesser out of the way, and telling the truth face to face to a friend can be really liberating. And - in my experience - my buddies were supportive and it really helped.

BE READY TO HAVE A BAILOUT - if something turns toward temptation - what will you do? If your buddy is dead set on going to a bar - how will you decline? If temptation gets too great for you - how specifically will you excuse yourself and reset? Are you in any recovery program? Are there meetings this weekend? Do you have a Big Book you can read each morning and evening? Will you come on here each day? What will be your 'anchors' to remind you of the importance of your choice of sobriety through the weekend.

You can do it.

You can have fun with a BUDDY (he's no longer a "drinking buddy") without drinking.

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Old 06-02-2016, 06:36 AM   #5 (permalink)
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What Scott said
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Old 06-02-2016, 07:03 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Thanks for the tips. I can't really tell him don't come because his family is friends with mine, the kids and the wives look forward to it too. He's in town to pick up his wife from the airport so they will be here no matter what. I'm pretty big on fitness stuff (and he knows this) so I'll just tell him the drinking doesn't fit in with my current training plan. I'll be sure to check in here with updates to make sure I make it through.
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Old 06-02-2016, 07:30 AM   #7 (permalink)
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I'll just tell him the drinking doesn't fit in with my current training plan.
Just curious.... why don't you plan to tell him the truth?

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Old 06-02-2016, 07:49 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Just curious.... why don't you plan to tell him the truth?

I found after the first few days the fight was a mental one.

Anyone that asked why I wasn't drinking I told them the absolute truth.
Anything short of that was leaving a door open to drinking again. I didn't want any such thoughts hiding away in my subconscious that would give me permission to do so.

Good luck

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Old 06-02-2016, 08:00 AM   #9 (permalink)
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I agree that it's early in recovery but if you believe you can handle it, I hope it works for you. Personally, I see no need to offer any explanation as to why I'm not drinking. My business.
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Old 06-02-2016, 08:29 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Just curious.... why don't you plan to tell him the truth?

Well that is the truth too. My health and fitness is a large part of why I'm not drinking. Though that may not be the biggest reason, it is one of many.
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Old 06-02-2016, 08:30 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Let me re-phrase the question, then....



Why do you feel it necessary to tell your friend a half-truth about why you're not drinking?
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Old 06-02-2016, 09:09 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Why do you feel it necessary to tell your friend a half-truth about why you're not drinking?
It's an easy way to have the conversation and move past it. I don't think anyone would press if I just say it's so I can follow my current training and diet plans. Nor do I have to share intimate details of my drinking habits/problems. I respect anyone who just comes out and says "I'm an alcoholic and I quit" but that also carries with it a negative connotation of somebody with a problem, and don't think it always has to come out that way.
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Old 06-02-2016, 09:15 AM   #13 (permalink)
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that's cool. I'm not trying to be contentious, just prompting you to look at your own reasons.....

For me, personally, I discovered that holding back and coming up with veiled reasons or half-truths for my not drinking was unproductive and lent a little room to compromise..... "oh what the heck, a FEW won't hurt my training plan!!!".

When I got honest and said "I've chosen a sober life because alcohol doesn't align with the way I want to live" - that shut the door and helped me stay stronger, and also being fully HONEST kept the feelings of shame from leading to a relapse.

I did use more vague comments like "Alcohol is inconsistent with my preferred manner of living" when questioned by colleagues or people who weren't close to me. But with friends - and especially with former drinking buddies - I found that the more honest I was the better it felt and the easier it was to be around them without falling into a trap of my own making.
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Old 06-02-2016, 09:29 AM   #14 (permalink)
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Good point (about making it easier to relapse with half truths)! I'll definitely be thinking about it.
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Old 06-02-2016, 01:10 PM   #15 (permalink)
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We usually spend most of the weekend drinking different beers while the wife and the kids play together.

maybe part of your plan can be to engage more with the women folk and children???? be a part OF, instead of apart FROM.
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