Co-Dependent All Around?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2016
Posts: 2
Co-Dependent All Around?
My husband and I need advice about our 28 year old daughter. She has lived in our home (rent-free) for the last 3-1/2 years, along with her two boys, 8 and 5. We are very sad about the choices our daughter has recently made.
The father of her children is a petty thief and heroin/opiate addict. When our daughter and this guy were together, he was verbally and physically abusive. The police were called on one occasion. He left her when she was pregnant with her youngest son. Ever since he left our pregnant daughter and she moved in with us, we have supported and stood by her. We want her to succeed. We have helped her with school, loaned her money and co-signed loans to help her get ahead. We even loaned her money, at her request, to hire a good family attorney to successfully fight the father's right to see his children. (During this time he was facing criminal charges in multiple jurisdictions, as well as actively using drugs). He has spent months in jail off and on. Our daughter has paid back roughly half the money to us; she currently owes us $7000 for a second-hand car.
Finally, as a result of his addiction and criminal behavior, he has not held steady employment and not paid any child support for years. He owes our daughter over $10,000 in back child support. This is why we have helped her financially and helped protect them legally from him. We love our grandsons, love having them in the house, and have had difficulty letting them grow up in poverty. Having said this, these unplanned financial outlays over the years have led to my husband and I delaying our retirement for five years.
So...we pretty much hate this guy and want him as far away from our daughter and grandsons as possible. He is currently in some intense sobriety program as an alternative to prison. Unbelievably, our daughter has decided to begin a relationship with him again and let him see the children. They have been going out for roughly 3 months. She wants to believe he is on the road to recovery, although he has only been sober 3 months and it is court-ordered.
We need our daughter to stand on her own financial feet sooner rather than later, and allow us the retirement we deserve. She needs to be able to support her children.
We know that our daughter is an adult, and that letting this guy back into her and the kids' live is her choice. But we cannot support that choice. How do we stand this emotionally? Do we kick our daughter and grandkids out of the house? How do we protect the grandkids and ourselves?
Distraught Parents/Grandparents
PS On top of everything else, our daughter is a hoarder. Her hoarding began after she was abandoned by this guy. The finished basement of our house, where she lives with the kids, is a wreck.
The father of her children is a petty thief and heroin/opiate addict. When our daughter and this guy were together, he was verbally and physically abusive. The police were called on one occasion. He left her when she was pregnant with her youngest son. Ever since he left our pregnant daughter and she moved in with us, we have supported and stood by her. We want her to succeed. We have helped her with school, loaned her money and co-signed loans to help her get ahead. We even loaned her money, at her request, to hire a good family attorney to successfully fight the father's right to see his children. (During this time he was facing criminal charges in multiple jurisdictions, as well as actively using drugs). He has spent months in jail off and on. Our daughter has paid back roughly half the money to us; she currently owes us $7000 for a second-hand car.
Finally, as a result of his addiction and criminal behavior, he has not held steady employment and not paid any child support for years. He owes our daughter over $10,000 in back child support. This is why we have helped her financially and helped protect them legally from him. We love our grandsons, love having them in the house, and have had difficulty letting them grow up in poverty. Having said this, these unplanned financial outlays over the years have led to my husband and I delaying our retirement for five years.
So...we pretty much hate this guy and want him as far away from our daughter and grandsons as possible. He is currently in some intense sobriety program as an alternative to prison. Unbelievably, our daughter has decided to begin a relationship with him again and let him see the children. They have been going out for roughly 3 months. She wants to believe he is on the road to recovery, although he has only been sober 3 months and it is court-ordered.
We need our daughter to stand on her own financial feet sooner rather than later, and allow us the retirement we deserve. She needs to be able to support her children.
We know that our daughter is an adult, and that letting this guy back into her and the kids' live is her choice. But we cannot support that choice. How do we stand this emotionally? Do we kick our daughter and grandkids out of the house? How do we protect the grandkids and ourselves?
Distraught Parents/Grandparents
PS On top of everything else, our daughter is a hoarder. Her hoarding began after she was abandoned by this guy. The finished basement of our house, where she lives with the kids, is a wreck.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: MN
Posts: 8,704
I believe you will get a variety of responses to your question and I can only give you my perspective. When I was 28, I was in dire straights. I never asked my parents for a thing, but they offered to help me get on my feet. I took them up on their offer and never looked back. I got on my feet, completing my college degree by writing a thesis, got a job, got a townhouse and reintroduced myself into a functioning society.
It sounds as if you've given your daughter plenty of support, and she has not quite held up her end of the bargain. She broke "the deal" by getting back together with the father of her children. That is her choice, and if she chooses to go that direction, she needs to do it on her own. I can not advocate for you to continue to support her. By her being with the guy, herself and her children, she has her own family to support. Sorry if I sound harsh, but she's an adult and she needs to take responsibility for her actions and decisions.
It sounds as if you've given your daughter plenty of support, and she has not quite held up her end of the bargain. She broke "the deal" by getting back together with the father of her children. That is her choice, and if she chooses to go that direction, she needs to do it on her own. I can not advocate for you to continue to support her. By her being with the guy, herself and her children, she has her own family to support. Sorry if I sound harsh, but she's an adult and she needs to take responsibility for her actions and decisions.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: Michigan
Posts: 205
I'm so sorry to hear that you and your family have all been going through so much stress. 
I agree with what thomas said, that you have done everything possible at this point, but your daughter has made a choice that she knows horrifically affects your lives. If the father of the grandchildren is really sobering and making restitution, then I would imagine that he will want to/be obligated to finally pay the support he has owed all this time. If he is not willing to do so, and if your daughter decides she will stay with him despite this, then I think it is perfectly reasonable and healthy for you as her parents to tell her that she and the father need to provide for their own family. Maybe you can have the grandchildren stay over for weekends or something like that, so you can keep up with how they are doing and not lose that connection. But I think thomas was right in that she has made this choice. You aren't hurting her by telling her she needs to leave and stand on their own; she's hurting herself by making the decisions that led you there. If things are truly sober and on the up for the father, then hopefully that means that things are going to get much better for all of them. And if not, your daughter is going to realize that.
I agree with what thomas said, that you have done everything possible at this point, but your daughter has made a choice that she knows horrifically affects your lives. If the father of the grandchildren is really sobering and making restitution, then I would imagine that he will want to/be obligated to finally pay the support he has owed all this time. If he is not willing to do so, and if your daughter decides she will stay with him despite this, then I think it is perfectly reasonable and healthy for you as her parents to tell her that she and the father need to provide for their own family. Maybe you can have the grandchildren stay over for weekends or something like that, so you can keep up with how they are doing and not lose that connection. But I think thomas was right in that she has made this choice. You aren't hurting her by telling her she needs to leave and stand on their own; she's hurting herself by making the decisions that led you there. If things are truly sober and on the up for the father, then hopefully that means that things are going to get much better for all of them. And if not, your daughter is going to realize that.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
i am very sorry for the "choices" you are now facing. if it was just HER, your daughter, the choice would be less painful to make. but those grandkids......ugh! HER choices affect the children, and YOUR choices do as well.
you have done everything you can to "help" her get on her feet and get her life going in a positive direction. and it must feel like a slap in the face that she is taking up with "the felon" again.
so, it's time to up the ante.......and i think that means setting some timelines......she needs to be working and providing for herself and her kids, she needs to clean up the living space in your home, and she needs a move out date. i think you lay out the facts to her as you have explained them here......and circle a date on the calendar, be that three or six months out. you also reinforce that the grandchildren are welcome at any time, and that you are very concerned about the influence "the felon" will have upon them and her. she's had 3.5 years to get it together......staying with you was only a temporary solution, it is now her turn to take control of her situation.
you have done everything you can to "help" her get on her feet and get her life going in a positive direction. and it must feel like a slap in the face that she is taking up with "the felon" again.
so, it's time to up the ante.......and i think that means setting some timelines......she needs to be working and providing for herself and her kids, she needs to clean up the living space in your home, and she needs a move out date. i think you lay out the facts to her as you have explained them here......and circle a date on the calendar, be that three or six months out. you also reinforce that the grandchildren are welcome at any time, and that you are very concerned about the influence "the felon" will have upon them and her. she's had 3.5 years to get it together......staying with you was only a temporary solution, it is now her turn to take control of her situation.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 133
You really are in a tough spot! I agree with what Thomas said but while I think your daughter has made her bed and should now learn from her mistakes, I might be inclined to offer to look after the grandkids if it was possible.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2015
Location: Florida
Posts: 874
A lot depends on your relationship with your daughter.
If it were me, I'd be inclined to keep them in my house until I was convinced the Dad had resolved his issues. I adore my grandson and I wouldn't risk having him in an unsafe environment. Or around the Dad's friends.
This is my thought process: If they leave my house to move in with dad and Dad starts up the drinking and drugging, they could be exposed to some unsavory situations and end up back at my house any way. Why put the kids through that.
It sounds like your daughter is working, going to school and making an effort to pay you back.
It also sounds like she is having some issues since she is hoarding and willing to take the guy back. Living with your parents as an adult and a parent yourself is a tough spot to be in. Maybe she could use some counseling of some sort.
Kudos to you for helping her. It sounds very stressful and I hope the best for you all. Especially those little boys.
If it were me, I'd be inclined to keep them in my house until I was convinced the Dad had resolved his issues. I adore my grandson and I wouldn't risk having him in an unsafe environment. Or around the Dad's friends.
This is my thought process: If they leave my house to move in with dad and Dad starts up the drinking and drugging, they could be exposed to some unsavory situations and end up back at my house any way. Why put the kids through that.
It sounds like your daughter is working, going to school and making an effort to pay you back.
It also sounds like she is having some issues since she is hoarding and willing to take the guy back. Living with your parents as an adult and a parent yourself is a tough spot to be in. Maybe she could use some counseling of some sort.
Kudos to you for helping her. It sounds very stressful and I hope the best for you all. Especially those little boys.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2016
Posts: 2
Thanks for ALL your Thoughts
I so appreciate all your replies. Your varying thoughts have been similar to ours...my husband wants to boot her out, while I have been the wait and see. As everyone seems to recognize, it's our young grandsons that are the sticking point. If it were only her, she would be out, no question.
I liked the setting deadlines for cleaning, paying $ back, etc. FYI I tried to bring in a professional organizer who works with hoarders but my daughter rejected the person. She DOES need counseling, but getting her there is another thing altogether.
We'll keep you in the loop...
again.
I liked the setting deadlines for cleaning, paying $ back, etc. FYI I tried to bring in a professional organizer who works with hoarders but my daughter rejected the person. She DOES need counseling, but getting her there is another thing altogether.
We'll keep you in the loop...
again.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
