Parental favourtism
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2016
Posts: 392
Parental favourtism
I've been reflecting and have realised that my mother favours my younger sister over myself. And has done for many years. I used to think I was neurotic and imaging it but I've had outsiders confirm what ive thought for many years. My sister and mother deny it.
But the fact is, it makes me feel lesser. Like ****. How do i move beyond it, particularly when its one of my triggers to drink. I feel like an ousider in my own family- how do i deal with it without drinking?
But the fact is, it makes me feel lesser. Like ****. How do i move beyond it, particularly when its one of my triggers to drink. I feel like an ousider in my own family- how do i deal with it without drinking?
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,599
Hi Nooneever 
for me recovery has meant learning to love who I was & not relying on validation from others, which I'd done my whole life.
My brother and sister were not exactly favoured but they fit in more with my mum and dads sporty lifestyle so it made sense they got more mum
and dad time, praise, interest etc..
That caused me problems for a lot of years.
but, when I got sober I took the opportunity to really worked hard to address my issues and appreciate who I was.
It's not an overnight change of course but a process over time. I had a little counselling help as well.
The main thing I think to remember for the moment is - it's not a good enough reason to drink over.
You are unique - there's not another noneever out there
I think that's a good starting point to appreciating who you are and relying less on external validation
D
for me recovery has meant learning to love who I was & not relying on validation from others, which I'd done my whole life.
My brother and sister were not exactly favoured but they fit in more with my mum and dads sporty lifestyle so it made sense they got more mum
and dad time, praise, interest etc..
That caused me problems for a lot of years.
but, when I got sober I took the opportunity to really worked hard to address my issues and appreciate who I was.
It's not an overnight change of course but a process over time. I had a little counselling help as well.
The main thing I think to remember for the moment is - it's not a good enough reason to drink over.
You are unique - there's not another noneever out there
I think that's a good starting point to appreciating who you are and relying less on external validation
D
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2016
Posts: 392
Dee thank you.
I need to appreciate that there's no other noneever out there. I am me and that's fine.
Not using that sense of isolation as an excuse to drink is a big one for me- it's something I've felt for as long as I can remember.
I need to appreciate that there's no other noneever out there. I am me and that's fine.
Not using that sense of isolation as an excuse to drink is a big one for me- it's something I've felt for as long as I can remember.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2016
Posts: 392
I'm realising too that I've depended on external validation for as long as I can remember- if someone else says I'm ok, then I am. And if not, then I'm not.
But I'm learning to like me- if I say I'm ok, and I'm not hurting anyone, then I am. That's enough.
But I'm learning to like me- if I say I'm ok, and I'm not hurting anyone, then I am. That's enough.
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Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: MN
Posts: 8,704
Originally Posted by noneever 
I've been reflecting and have realised that my mother favours my younger sister over myself. And has done for many years. I used to think I was neurotic and imaging it but I've had outsiders confirm what ive thought for many years. My sister and mother deny it.
But the fact is, it makes me feel lesser. Like ****. How do i move beyond it, particularly when its one of my triggers to drink. I feel like an ousider in my own family- how do i deal with it without drinking?
But the fact is, it makes me feel lesser. Like ****. How do i move beyond it, particularly when its one of my triggers to drink. I feel like an ousider in my own family- how do i deal with it without drinking?
I could have written your post, except it my younger brother. Just wanted to chime in and let you know you are not alone. I have not figured it out, and don't know if I ever will. I feel for you.
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Join Date: Dec 2015
Posts: 928
I'm treated like dirt by my family. I drank over it for years. I'm learning they'll never change and I just need to let it go and move on. Putting down the bottle was the first step in doing that.
Keep posting, you'll find others that can relate. It's been a breath of fresh air for me.
Keep posting, you'll find others that can relate. It's been a breath of fresh air for me.
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Join Date: May 2015
Location: UK
Posts: 1,042
Originally Posted by bluedog97
I'm treated like dirt by my family. I drank over it for years. I'm learning they'll never change and I just need to let it go and move on. Putting down the bottle was the first step in doing that.
Keep posting, you'll find others that can relate. It's been a breath of fresh air for me.
Keep posting, you'll find others that can relate. It's been a breath of fresh air for me.
BUT drinking just wasn't the answer, took me a very long time to realise that!
xx
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Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,599
My mother always made it clear that she was disappointed with me and for years I tried to make her change her feelings. That caused endless sadness for me and in the end, as Dee said, I had to stop looking for outside validation. I am enough, and you are enough.
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Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: California
Posts: 13,056
I have three kids, and I am sure each of them feels that way sometimes. I love them all equally, but three are days that each of them drives me crazy, and I am sure they feel I may be favoring one of the other two.
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