Forte

Drinking changes the way I feel.
I like that.
I liked it a while damn lot.
I liked drugs too.
A lot.

This quest to escape and not feel the way I do is an all conquering, all powerful force and it feels like my entire life is based on trying to quit something, trying to do things I'm scared of or just bad at and generally being whom I am not.
Doing what doesn't come naturally and frankly sucks.

For me any substance is an escape and I've been escaping my whole life.
I'm starting to feel like sobriety is just what I thought the booze and drugs were doing ; being someone that I'm not.
I don't like feeling sober. I like being intoxicated. I don't like the consequences of my using choices sometimes but I'm either running one way or another.
I drink = I feel like crap the next day.
Then I swear NEVER AGAIN!!
Never will I make myself feel this way.
Then a few days pass.
A few weeks.
A few months.
And I realise I don't like being sober.
I don't like people a whole lot.
I hate all the evil in this world and the corruption of human beings.
I don't like happy smiley things and I don't fit in here no matter how hard I try.
The only love I feel is for animals and they suffer the most barbaric injustices of all and there's not much I can do.

Maybe I'm a misanthropist but I have no ill feelings towards anyone in the street.
I would just rather be away from them.
I understand my surroundings when I'm on something. I feel happy and comfortably numb when I drink and pop pills.
It does end badly but I know no better.

It's a catch 22.
It's an obvious choice but so much damn harder to put into action.
Don't drink. Don't use.
The consequences are too much...
But I don't like it here in the mix.
I have a job,
I pay taxes and rent and I do my shopping and keep my house clean and I quit smoking and I lift weights. I have attempted to adapt to life on life's terms to the best of my abilities.

But I'm not happy, always socially awkward and so much more comfortable alone..

Now painkillers aren't for pain and alcohol isn't a social lubricant.
It all makes this existence a little more bearable and my life less meaningless. I'm spending my whole life trying to be what I'm not - Not doing what I want to do.

What's the point?

Please somebody tell me and I will forever be in your debt.

fantail

I'm often in the same position. I spend a lot of my time right now thinking what is the point. I won't go into my particular ongoing crisis but I don't see much to embrace in any of the models I have to look at.

But in my case, I had to completely drop the notion of drinking my way through it. I almost died. My body can't take my addiction anymore, and I'm only 32. There's no solution to return to there. Unless I literally want to try to drink myself to death — and I don't — drinking is not available to me as a counterbalance to life.

Which has forced me to look at things differently and say, OK. I don't like my options. I don't like the way the world works. I don't want the things that I'm supposed to want. And the things I do want, they're not working out the way I hoped. The stuff I expected to feel and have at this stage in my life, are not there and who knows if that'll change or not.

Feeling like this is my cue to figure it the f' out. Discomfort happens for a reason. Like pain means "stop touching the stove". I've spent at least the last 4 years of my drinking trying to force myself to pursue the same paths that I see other people pursuing. Hating it, drinking more to try and make it feel ok. Trying to live a life that I don't want by numbing myself to how miserable I am is the most cowardly thing I ever tried to do.

That's a really sad goal to set for yourself, too. I think it's got to be possible to figure out a life that's meaningful. I have no idea how, but the more I think about it and stay present with my discomfort, the more I feel like I will find the way to live my life that feels right to me.

If your hand is on the stove, don't call for local anesthesia, get your hand off the stove! If you don't like your life, don't go back to addiction to try and convince yourself that you do. It won't work anymore.

I don't know what the point is. But "I'm so drunk that I forgot that there's no point" is definitely not the best we can hope for.

I think feeling all of this will lead to better things.

D122y

Until you decide you want to see the world as it is, unaltered by drugs, you will continue to use.

Your brain is heavily altered, more than likely, by drugs. They initially ease anxiety, then they cause it when you stop using. The decisions you are making are drug related.

Stay clean for a month and see what happens. You will likely feel anxiety like you have never felt. This would be your brain reacting to normal. It gets better.

The world is not as you currently see it.

I was a drunk for 45 happy years. Until I decided I needed to stay clean for my mental and physical well being I was going to continue on that path.

People can't stop us. We have to stop ourselves.

All the talk in the world will not do a thing.

Forte

I appreciate the meaningful responses. Thanks you two. I really do

A few things you guys said hit me like a ton of bricks.

Fantail : "Trying to live a life that I don't want by numbing myself to how miserable I am is the most cowardly thing I ever tried to do"

That's true. So true. Thank you. Still, I don't need to validate my point because I feel it so strongly.. I honestly don't think I'm miserable, I think the planet provided me intoxicating and mood altering substances for me to see just who I am.

D122y: I've been clean and sober. For not awesome, but extended periods of time and I never had the AHA!! Moment. That life makes sense this way. It's HARD.

I think it's important that I keep things in perspective and say that hey, the world expects me to adapt around it, but I do. As society would have it.
You were drunk for 45 years? Really? Like all that time was a blur?
I doubt it. You obviously felt what I do and continued because it was easier in your world. What's your world now??

leviathan

Ultimately, I realized that continually reaching for mind alteration just to get along was problematic. The fixes were all outside myself. And these fixes weren't fixing anything.

So I ran an experiment. I decided to see if the chemistry I was originally built with was enough. After all, it had been since I was very young that I had been sober for any decent amount of time that could give me data.

A few months sober and eating well gave me my answer. I can have a fulfilling, exciting, life with less pain without all the drinks and drugs.

To go back would basically be my way if saying the life I've been given isn't enough of a gift. I'm done wasting gifts and being ungrateful. Feels great.

I doubted I could be happy or content again. Big surprise!

Dee74

I would never have known how good life could be had I not stopped trying to numb myself out.

My life's not perfect and I have some bad days, but I look forward to the future - and I go to bed satisfied most days with what I've done that day.

It took me a long time to fix my self and my life after 20 years drinking. It took about a year - which is a pretty good deal really, but you need to have faith that you're doing the right thing until the proof comes in.

I found that the answer to my life being unbearable and meaningless was to do something about it.

drinking and drugging is the equivalent of running away or sticking my fingers in my ears :

D

venuscat

When I came here in 2013, I asked everyone a very honest question, and one that was unbelievably painful for me.

I asked if it was possible to be happy without drugs and alcohol.
I asked this in desperation, truly believing from the depths of my soul that it was not. Not possible. Not at all.

It took me a long time to see this Forte, but I discovered that the truth for me is that it is ONLY possible to be happy without drugs and alcohol.

I know that sounds simplistic.

But using to deal with the pain of my youth, and the way I saw the world was only making it harder for me.
I didn't know that.

I still see the cruelty, but I see beauty now that I never even knew existed.

Forte

Thank you Dee. God bless you and your awe-inspiring words.

I've got it all wrong.

Now the issue is fixing the barstard : /

Forte

Venus that was unreal.. Thank you.

I don't know if it's the Aussie thing with you or Dee but I'm reading you loud and clear.

It never seems right but until one seeks help; what the outcome is a surprise

TinkerB

I hope it's ok to chime in here on this thread and say that I've got a lot out of the responses to your post Forte.
I'm not one to post much as I don't feel qualified to hand out advice.
I do however relate to many of your struggles... anxiety, people, feeling like I don't fit in... even within my own family for me... preferring the company of animals, feeling like I'm not very good at doing things.. Heck this is even a stretch for me posting here.
I guess one thing I've learnt from my friendships made here on SR is that there is hope, there are truly good people in this world and I please know I count you as someone I care about... Truly...

D122y

When I was 5 years old I remember drinking to get drunk. All I could handle was beer.

I would do that at least a few times a year. This continued until I was 17 and join the military. Then I started drinking to get drunk at least 1 time a week.

That continued until I retired from the military, then I drank more.

So...I was under the influence..either drunk, hung over, or in a state of detox since I was 5. I never went more than 8 months clean until now.

I am 51. And sober almost 1 year.

I rationalize that I was uneducated about booze. I drank because I was having a party. I didn't realize that I was craving...a cold one....because I was addicted. I looked at booze as fun.

Towards the end I did all the alky stuff....Drank in the am, put vodka in water bottles etc.

I didn't care to learn about the full effects of alcohol until I found SR. The internet saved my life. It made me aware.

At 1 year clean I am just now really pulling up,out of the booze induced fog or spacey feeling. The world has slowed down for me. Things seem easier to handle and understand.

I don't regret those 45 years of drinking, they were all I knew. It was our family way. My Dad and siblings still drink everyday.

I decided to change. I cherish my sobriety. I walk through life more confident because I am a very sober man.

Thanks for the therepy.

least

When I got sober I found a much better life. It took some time to come to that point, but I did, and I don't regret getting sober. I also had the help of my counselor.

I still have bad days but it's nothing like my drinking days.

TinkerB

Please check in.. Can't pm you as your inbox is full.

venuscat

Thinking of you Forte.