august1956

I am 60 and my girlfriend is 55. We both lost our spouses around 5 years ago and have been seeing each other for the past 2+ years. She is a beautiful woman , both inside and out, and someone I want to spend my older years with and she feels the same about me. However, she is an alcoholic but not your normal "every day drinker". She is more of a binge drinker. She goes 2-3 weeks without drinking and then will go 2-4 days drinking non stop. Other than her immediate family and myself, no one knows of her problem as she does not drink other than her binge days. As we both want to get married, I am entering into this fully aware of her problem and have been on various web sites dealing with alcoholic relationships. During her binge time, we do not quarrel and I do not get upset at her. I just take care of her during this time and am there for her when she needs me.

Am I crazy to want to marry her knowing of her problem? I do not see her changing and I am willing to accept her as she is. Thanks for any advice

Saskia

Welcome!

That sounds to me like it could be challenging over the longer run. What happens if she ends up with liver failure, liver cancer or any one of a number of other issues? What happens if she escalates to drinking every day (not uncommon over the long run)?

I'd suggest you might want to mosey over to the "Friends & Family" threads in this forum and get some input from the good people posting there.

Best of luck!

AdelineRose

Addiction is progressive, it ALWAYS gets worse and not better if the person does not completely give up the substance for good.

Someone knows that their spouse is overtaking their prescription pain medicine but says, hey it isn't that bad she is only sick for a couple days a month. That person starts to run out sooner and sooner, the doctor cuts her off, she buys off the streets, pills get to expensive so she moves to heroin, etc. etc. I think you get the picture.

No one intends to get worse, but that is just how addiction goes. Although society pushes drinking as normal even when it isn't, don't mistake yourself into thinking she isn't as bad as other, an addict is an addict is an addict.

least

I agree that you should post this in the friends and family of alcoholics forum for more insight. Also agree that alcoholism always gets worse. What happens if/when she starts to drink more often? There are so many variables and they're all bad.

If it were me, I'd put the marriage on hold until or unless she can stop drinking.

EndGameNYC

You're straddling a fine line here between being understanding and taking care of her on the one hand, and enabling her on the other. I think it's tilting in the wrong direction.

If a woman were willing to tolerate my drinking and take care of me while I was still drinking, and asked me to marry her, I might just have taken her up on it. If I lived through it, I'd probably still be drinking.

thomas11

As has been mentioned, my 2 primary concerns would be her long term health, and the potential for drinking to increase after the nuptials. Unfortunately there is no way to know in advance. And no, I don't think you're crazy.

Vinificent

I don't think you are crazy either - if you were in college and in love you probably would marry her without questioning her periodic binges. So just because you are not married yet doesn't mean you shouldn't care as if you already are, and just show you are a kind and thoughtful person.

I don't have much advice except to say that if she does decide to quit drinking, it is great that you are there to support her on her journey. It is very hard to stop drinking when your spouse doesn't understand why you need to completely stop (as opposed to have one or two drinks occasionally, like a "normal" drinker).

uncorked

How long has she been binge drinking? Has she drank like this pretty much her whole life? I'm not sure I buy the theory that drinking ALWAYS gets progressively worse -- I drank the same amount every night for years, no more, no less -- but at the same time, I'd be concerned about her health. Does she think she has a drinking problem? You're posing a question to a bunch of alcohol abusers, and most of us here are sober or trying to get/stay that way. So your advice will be skewed to that end. Only you can decide if this is a situation you can accept. If you do, realize you can't complain about it down the road. :-)

Soberwolf

Welcome August

SweatyHands

I don't think what I have to say is all that different from anyone else here, but here goes... To a certain extent, my wife did enable me. But, it was largely because I put so much effort into creating the illusion that I could keep control of myself that she was acting about half out of naivety, and half because it was easier to go along with my illusion. I say this to propose that there is a distinct possibility that she may have a bigger problem than you think, or than you are prepared or equipped to handle.

And here's the other side of the coin: if my wife would have simply taken care of me after she realized how bad my drinking had gotten, I would be dead. If she went along with what I was doing, I would have probably escalated even harder, and I didn't really have any more room to sink. You aren't doing her any favors by taking care of her.

I certainly won't be so presumptious as to tell you what to do, but think seriously about the worst case scenario here. Speaking as someone who can not ever even entertain the idea of having a drink ever again, I can tell you that the worst case scenario is always about half as bad as it really gets.

juppe

No drunken arguments or fights!? That's amazing. Are you a drinker too?

Gottalife

The comment about enabling has merit. My enablers almost killed me with their kindnesss and tolerance.

tomsteve

imo, theres a line where loving and caring for someone turns to enabling.
imo, taking care of someone while theyre drinking is enabling- helping in their destruction.