Dating Someone Addicted to Heroin who May have Cheated
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Join Date: Mar 2016
Location: Wilmington
Posts: 6
Dating Someone Addicted to Heroin who May have Cheated
I am writing looking for any help (and I apologize in
advance for the length). I have never dated an addict before or someone in recovery. My boyfriend of almost 2 years just checked into an in-patient facility this past Saturday for heroin. His family, two close friends & I held an intervention for him. He saw it coming though and started to run off. His brother & friend were able to get him to enter treatment (the most important part) but we haven’t had a chance to speak with him so there are a lot of unanswered questions.
We’ve live together & I have suspected for some time that he was on something, I assumed painkillers. He worked full-time but always
had excuses for why he didn’t have money for bills. I started hiding my credit cards, changed all of my pins, had savings he couldn’t access from an ATM but whenever he needed money it was for legitimate things - $ for his mom (which I found out now that she never received), toll money to get to work, gas. I know now I have been enabling even supplying a car for him to drive, roof over his head
& buying groceries when I suspected he was doing something again. He is a very good actor and was very good at having his lies have enough truth that I wanted to believe him. I am a very empathetic, loving, and forgiving person and I obviously feel used at this point.
He had been very open with me about his past of doing heroin
before (12 years ago) that he quit when his son was born. I had questioned why he didn’t still need meetings or how he was able to detox without any professional help & he said having his son changed him and he did try meetings but they either weren’t for him or were places that were more drug hook-ups. His close friends said he had seemed better for a long time but he still drank, smoked pot, and used pain pills (including a 3 month dependency that he admitted to me & I saw him go through withdrawal when we were together). I see now that he is someone who is not able to even have a beer or a pain pill for his bad back.
Even with everything, I wanted to see how he was in recovery
& try to see how we could come back from this. He is the love of my life and we have always talked about marriage, having kids, growing old together. I know this would involve me probably living a sober life (which drinking is not more important to me than a relationship and maybe down the road this could change but I have to be prepared that it may not), being firm that he needs an active recovery of meetings (which I would be willing to go to with him if he wanted), individual therapy for both of us, couples therapy, completely sober lifestyle
for him.
Here is my hardest part – I have been a trusting girlfriend
and not looked through texts, FB msgs, emails, etc. except for a few times that he took $, gave him a chance to show a receipt and he still lied. I have looked through all of these since then bc I do not want to be able to be manipulated again. I have found a sideline app (for calls and msging I think only used for drugs), a chance that he had a second burner phone, a suspect FB msg of fishing to talk to a girl, an email he sent to a girl on date hook-up from this summer looking to talk to her (I’m wondering if we were fighting and he was drinking then)…even these or other cheating I could try and get past. I saw long texts
at the end of this December to his ex girlfriend of 7 years that he has his son with (she has been married with 2 other children for years). They were reminiscing and the text did start off as an owed apology to her (I have always been supportive of him having a good relationship with her)…he told her at one point she “was the best girl he ever had”, apologized for how he treated her and “it’s taken him this long to realize it but he still loves her. He said he “regretted sending it immediately but it hangs over his head everyday”. Obviously this exchange left me dumbfounded and heartbroken considering he has told me his love for me is more than he’s ever felt for her, I am the love of his life and in the start of our relationship he was the most loving, considerate and selfless person. I can even understand feeling nostalgic but to write that & hit send, reading that was more painful than all of the lies about drugs and stealing money. I obviously have doubts now about his love and what he has
said to me throughout the relationship.
I guess I am just looking for any advice or help. I have
never been in this situation before. And even after all of this, I still love him with my whole heart. I still want recovery for him to be happy and healthy and love himself. I just don’t know if cheating (and msging girls/saying “I love you” to an ex is a form of cheating in my eyes) and doubting his love for me is something I can be strong enough to handle. I’m not sure if these are things that addicts can do or if this form of cheating is something completely different that I need to address with him. I have been heartbroken seeing my
whole future of kids, family, spending my life with him being ripped out from under me. I have always been someone to wear my heart on my sleeve and I don’t know if I could ever love someone the same way as him. I’m sorry if this rambles, just very overwhelmed at this point. Thank you for any help!
advance for the length). I have never dated an addict before or someone in recovery. My boyfriend of almost 2 years just checked into an in-patient facility this past Saturday for heroin. His family, two close friends & I held an intervention for him. He saw it coming though and started to run off. His brother & friend were able to get him to enter treatment (the most important part) but we haven’t had a chance to speak with him so there are a lot of unanswered questions.
We’ve live together & I have suspected for some time that he was on something, I assumed painkillers. He worked full-time but always
had excuses for why he didn’t have money for bills. I started hiding my credit cards, changed all of my pins, had savings he couldn’t access from an ATM but whenever he needed money it was for legitimate things - $ for his mom (which I found out now that she never received), toll money to get to work, gas. I know now I have been enabling even supplying a car for him to drive, roof over his head
& buying groceries when I suspected he was doing something again. He is a very good actor and was very good at having his lies have enough truth that I wanted to believe him. I am a very empathetic, loving, and forgiving person and I obviously feel used at this point.
He had been very open with me about his past of doing heroin
before (12 years ago) that he quit when his son was born. I had questioned why he didn’t still need meetings or how he was able to detox without any professional help & he said having his son changed him and he did try meetings but they either weren’t for him or were places that were more drug hook-ups. His close friends said he had seemed better for a long time but he still drank, smoked pot, and used pain pills (including a 3 month dependency that he admitted to me & I saw him go through withdrawal when we were together). I see now that he is someone who is not able to even have a beer or a pain pill for his bad back.
Even with everything, I wanted to see how he was in recovery
& try to see how we could come back from this. He is the love of my life and we have always talked about marriage, having kids, growing old together. I know this would involve me probably living a sober life (which drinking is not more important to me than a relationship and maybe down the road this could change but I have to be prepared that it may not), being firm that he needs an active recovery of meetings (which I would be willing to go to with him if he wanted), individual therapy for both of us, couples therapy, completely sober lifestyle
for him.
Here is my hardest part – I have been a trusting girlfriend
and not looked through texts, FB msgs, emails, etc. except for a few times that he took $, gave him a chance to show a receipt and he still lied. I have looked through all of these since then bc I do not want to be able to be manipulated again. I have found a sideline app (for calls and msging I think only used for drugs), a chance that he had a second burner phone, a suspect FB msg of fishing to talk to a girl, an email he sent to a girl on date hook-up from this summer looking to talk to her (I’m wondering if we were fighting and he was drinking then)…even these or other cheating I could try and get past. I saw long texts
at the end of this December to his ex girlfriend of 7 years that he has his son with (she has been married with 2 other children for years). They were reminiscing and the text did start off as an owed apology to her (I have always been supportive of him having a good relationship with her)…he told her at one point she “was the best girl he ever had”, apologized for how he treated her and “it’s taken him this long to realize it but he still loves her. He said he “regretted sending it immediately but it hangs over his head everyday”. Obviously this exchange left me dumbfounded and heartbroken considering he has told me his love for me is more than he’s ever felt for her, I am the love of his life and in the start of our relationship he was the most loving, considerate and selfless person. I can even understand feeling nostalgic but to write that & hit send, reading that was more painful than all of the lies about drugs and stealing money. I obviously have doubts now about his love and what he has
said to me throughout the relationship.
I guess I am just looking for any advice or help. I have
never been in this situation before. And even after all of this, I still love him with my whole heart. I still want recovery for him to be happy and healthy and love himself. I just don’t know if cheating (and msging girls/saying “I love you” to an ex is a form of cheating in my eyes) and doubting his love for me is something I can be strong enough to handle. I’m not sure if these are things that addicts can do or if this form of cheating is something completely different that I need to address with him. I have been heartbroken seeing my
whole future of kids, family, spending my life with him being ripped out from under me. I have always been someone to wear my heart on my sleeve and I don’t know if I could ever love someone the same way as him. I’m sorry if this rambles, just very overwhelmed at this point. Thank you for any help!
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Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
That is a lot of pain for you to process...I'm so sorry you're going through this.
Whether you're "strong enough" to handle doubting his love for you and his cheating may not really be the question? Being strong enough to take the worst isn't necessarily a good thing?
He is addicted to heroin, everything else is a distant second, and lying is what addiction does best.
Read some of the threads here from people who have spent years and years trying to fix the addicts they love. Maybe that's still how you will choose to live, but knowing what you are likely to experience is useful.
Know that none of this is your fault.
Whether you're "strong enough" to handle doubting his love for you and his cheating may not really be the question? Being strong enough to take the worst isn't necessarily a good thing?
He is addicted to heroin, everything else is a distant second, and lying is what addiction does best.
Read some of the threads here from people who have spent years and years trying to fix the addicts they love. Maybe that's still how you will choose to live, but knowing what you are likely to experience is useful.
Know that none of this is your fault.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,514
I'm sorry for your situation and the pain it is causing you.
Your boyfriend is addicted to heroin and has been using heroin until a forced intervention a few days ago. An intervention is the first step, but it is not recovery. I think you should allow him lots of time and space to show you how he plans to live.
If you don't trust him and believe he is cheating on you, that's a separate issue. Not all addicts are cheaters. But, trust is imperative in a relationship.
I hope you continue to read and post and seek support for yourself.
Your boyfriend is addicted to heroin and has been using heroin until a forced intervention a few days ago. An intervention is the first step, but it is not recovery. I think you should allow him lots of time and space to show you how he plans to live.
If you don't trust him and believe he is cheating on you, that's a separate issue. Not all addicts are cheaters. But, trust is imperative in a relationship.
I hope you continue to read and post and seek support for yourself.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2016
Location: Wilmington
Posts: 6
Thank you both! Ariesagain, I actually saw a therapist last night who said that while having a high level of empathy can be a very good thing, it also means there is a high level of what I will put up with. I tend to want to fix problems for someone and this is going to be a hard process for me of putting into practice that I can't do it for him. For his sobriety to stick, he needs to want to be happy and healthy for himself and I want this for him so much.
The messages to the ex just sent me over the edge. I had been holding onto hope that the lies centered around drugs and money and that I wouldn't have to doubt his love. I know that people can have moments of weakness but it's hard to see if it was a moment of weakness or does it really negate all of the good things? I am afraid that I fell madly in love with someone who maybe loved me too but clearly manipulated me and took advantage of my kindness and trust. I am afraid of being manipulated again.
The messages to the ex just sent me over the edge. I had been holding onto hope that the lies centered around drugs and money and that I wouldn't have to doubt his love. I know that people can have moments of weakness but it's hard to see if it was a moment of weakness or does it really negate all of the good things? I am afraid that I fell madly in love with someone who maybe loved me too but clearly manipulated me and took advantage of my kindness and trust. I am afraid of being manipulated again.
Canine Welfare Advocate
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 10,962
Originally Posted by Colleen1234 
I’m not sure if these are things that addicts can do or if this form of cheating is something completely different that I need to address with him.
Why is that acceptable?
Member
Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,837
Hi!
I hope you feel better.
Just try to understand that you didn't do anything wrong xoxo
And be warned that recovery takes a very looooong time, it just starts with treatment xo
I don't know if the cheating had to do with his addiction.
I was a cheater when drinking, I had one long term relationship in which I wasn't a cheater.
I have been almost every other time.
I think it has to do with my personality more than alcoholism honestly.
But I truly want to change that and I'm looking forward to not being that way in the future.
My point is that cheating is a very individual thing I think xx
I hope you feel better.
Just try to understand that you didn't do anything wrong xoxo
And be warned that recovery takes a very looooong time, it just starts with treatment xo
I don't know if the cheating had to do with his addiction.
I was a cheater when drinking, I had one long term relationship in which I wasn't a cheater.
I have been almost every other time.
I think it has to do with my personality more than alcoholism honestly.
But I truly want to change that and I'm looking forward to not being that way in the future.
My point is that cheating is a very individual thing I think xx
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Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
Originally Posted by Colleen1234
I am afraid of being manipulated again.
The best metaphor I have is that it's like the Invasion of the Body Snatchers...once addiction really moves in, it takes over. Love, kindness, fidelity, integrity, family...all of those get shoved out of the way and become nothing more than a way for the addiction to keep on rolling. He will spend his life on a rollercoaster and if you go along with him, you'll have nothing but the lows. All of your best qualities...kindness, compassion, empathy...will be used against you.
I don't want to scare you away and this is only one opinion, but if you were my daughter I would beg you not to waste another minute on this heartbreaking situation quick before you have other ties with him, such an innocent children.
Yes, there are miracle recoveries, but given your boyfriend's longstanding addiction problems, it's not impossible...but it's very unlikely.
Sending hugs and hopes for a happier time...
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 709
I'm so sorry you're going through this. You sound like a very sweet, nurturing woman. I don't have experience with heroin (my weakness is alcohol) but I met a lot of great people in rehab who were in recovery for the drug, usually accompanied by other addictions. The thing about going to rehab is that you have to really, really want it. For yourself. Not to appease family members and loved ones, but for you. While doing an intervention for someone comes from a place of love and well-meaning, sometimes the person will go just to get people of his/her back. When I was in rehab, it was obvious who was in it for themselves and who wasn't. I can't speak for your boyfriend because I don't know him, but you should have a sense which camp he is in. If you were my daughter, I'd probably tell you to run....but I know love isn't that easy. It's hard enough to be married and have the stepmom/blended family issues. But when you add in a history of cheating, lying and addictions, it's a real mess. If you want to pursue this relationship, I suggest you take it very slow and give it at LEAST a year once he is out before you make any decisions. Recognizing, of course, that many people relapse at some point. Good luck.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
hi Colleen - even if cheating was JUST something that addicts DO, how does that make it acceptable? doesn't it just add to the growing list of RED FLAGS and reasons why this guy can't be trusted and isn't very good material to build a future with????
you had to HIDE your purse/credit cards from the "Love of Your Life" - that doesn't really match up. he lied to you, hid his addiction, and probably never was a 100% clean and sober version of himself. so all you saw was THE SHOW.
if he can tell the EX how much he still LOVES her, and how SHE was the best gal he ever had, that seems to take all the weight out of anything he said to you. he also was actively seeking contact with other women online.
sort of a three strikes, you're out, maybe???
you had to HIDE your purse/credit cards from the "Love of Your Life" - that doesn't really match up. he lied to you, hid his addiction, and probably never was a 100% clean and sober version of himself. so all you saw was THE SHOW.
if he can tell the EX how much he still LOVES her, and how SHE was the best gal he ever had, that seems to take all the weight out of anything he said to you. he also was actively seeking contact with other women online.
sort of a three strikes, you're out, maybe???
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: New York
Posts: 775
Colleen, Ok First welcome, I'm Tom I'm an addict and I'm going to give you the best advice you will ever get in your life. LEAVE...DONT LOOK BACK...YOU WILL FIND LOVE AGAIN I PROMISE. Ok now I realize that you love him and you feel like you will never love like this again but listen. You have been with a guy for 2 years. He's probably been high the whole time. Which means you dont even know the real man. Addicts like us we take hostages. We say whatever you need to hear to string you along because we need you. I dont think he was scheming and plotting how he was going to take advantage of you it just comes natural to him. Its how he survives. And guess what when youre gone he will have another victim in the matter of a week. I'm not saying hes not a nice guy maybe he is but he is a very sick man and you will be wasting your youth if you stay with him. Trust me I am him.
I'm sorry for being so blunt but it is what it is its a horrible disease that is cunning baffling and powerful that cant be cured only arrested and put at bay only to rear its head again if you (the addict) are not diligent at going for recovery as hard as we went for our drug of choice
And look at it this way if one of you girlfriends told you about being in a situation like youre in what advice would you give them.
I hope you take this the way I meant it . My writing skills are poor so I have a hard time getting my intent across and my intent is pure. Good luck, read the stickies and stick around here and post. The suggestions are just that suggestions do what works for you but keep an open mind.......T
I'm sorry for being so blunt but it is what it is its a horrible disease that is cunning baffling and powerful that cant be cured only arrested and put at bay only to rear its head again if you (the addict) are not diligent at going for recovery as hard as we went for our drug of choice
And look at it this way if one of you girlfriends told you about being in a situation like youre in what advice would you give them.
I hope you take this the way I meant it . My writing skills are poor so I have a hard time getting my intent across and my intent is pure. Good luck, read the stickies and stick around here and post. The suggestions are just that suggestions do what works for you but keep an open mind.......T
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,784
He doesn't sound trustworthy to me. 
I'd suggest you run in the opposite direction and don't look back. I would not start any permanent relationship with an addict and a cheater.
I'd suggest you run in the opposite direction and don't look back. I would not start any permanent relationship with an addict and a cheater. Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2016
Location: Wilmington
Posts: 6
Thank you everyone! I typed a reply that I accidentally deleted. I have to stop rationalizing his behavior (I have been so used to doing it). I have enabled by letting his excuses pass and defending him when friends have noticed his shady behavior.
I want so badly for him to win against his demons and be happy with himself. I really appreciate the support and reading these responses further solidifies that I need to make sure I take care of myself too. I can't fix this for him.
I want so badly for him to win against his demons and be happy with himself. I really appreciate the support and reading these responses further solidifies that I need to make sure I take care of myself too. I can't fix this for him.
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