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Old 03-22-2016, 06:15 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Help a Father Please!


Help a father, please!

If you have kids on drugs or alcohol, please help! We need someone who has been through this.

I wanted to ask help here because I don't have anywhere else to turn. Yes, I've tried forums, counsellors, etc. and even have this same post in other communities, just trying to get as much help as we can on the situation.

My son is 22 years old and on drugs

My wife and I are pulling our hair out wondering what to do. The rehab people and specialist only seem to want money, or maybe we're just going to the wrong places? His current counselor told him that WE are crazy parents because we track his car and have cameras in our house. He pays her with his military insurance. Yes, my son is in the reserves.

Anyway, my son is doing the following
- Smoking pot
- Drinking liquor
- Huffing air duster
- Snorting Adderall
- Other stuff not confirmed yet

He smokes pot daily, usually all day. The drinking is only when he can't get the pot, and the air duster is down to a few times a month (we think).

The huffing of air duster is dangerous because it can kill you instantly, it's not like a whippet from whip cream as some people think. At one point he was doing four cans a day, look it up on YouTube to see how bad it is. The snorting of Adderall is for a super high that can also kill you, lots of bad side effects as well. He also was doing the K2 spice at one point. It seems like he just wants to remain high and messed up all the time.

He has also been diagnosed with depression, OCD, and ADHD. However, these all came when he was doing drugs, back when he went to boot camp he had to quit doing everything, and he was perfectly fine afterwards, he was happy, back to normal, no issues. So I think many of the issues he has is from the drug use.

He has passed out once doing air duster and flipped his car (totaling it) but told us someone ran him off the road, over a year ago. He passed out in the house after doing air duster; he hit the marble counter top and the floor. Blood was everywhere, and his teeth were a little loose. He also passed out and ran in the middle of the median on the beltline about six months ago from air duster.

He use to go to McDonalds and fill his cup up with vodka to hide it when he lived with his old girlfriend. He left the house once and drove away drunk. He walked down the highway once drunk and was brought home by the sheriff. So we found out he did huffing and driving, drinking and driving, smoking pot and driving. He has passed out twice from huffing which could have killed him or someone else.

We love our son, of course, we all make mistakes and need help. All his friends are gone and in college. He broke up with his girlfriend. He did move out once to live with his girlfriend, but he didn't have to pay rent, her mom let him live there for free. When he did live there, he got worse, drank more, smoked pot all day and huffed four cans a day of air duster. He was stealing it all from Walmart

Even with him doing all this he is still doing well in college and working a full-time job. He lives with us again now, goes to the gym, plays his video games and functions fine besides the other issues above. When not doing drugs he's a pleasure and great person to be with and my best friend. He hangs out with us, makes us laugh, etc. Our family is a strong, praying, Christian family who loves God and Jesus and prays daily for everyone.

So we are stuck between a rock and a hard place.

With him being over 22 we can't get him thrown into rehab. We have been to the hospital before five times, they never keep him, we went to the magistrate and had him sent in, and they don't keep him. We aren't doing that anymore because HE has to be the one to want to quit and get help! He has also said he would commit suicide, he has said this over 50 times, but he only says it to his mom or sister to pull on her heart strings. Last time he said he would kill himself, we called the cops, the cops pinged his cell phone and found him in the car huffing air duster. The police took him to Holly Hill (mental place), and the staff released him 30 minutes later because he seemed ok.

Air Duster gets out of your system in minutes, but doing it can kill you instantly. Many people say let him hit rock bottom, throw him out of the house, take his car, take everything. He has stressed my wife out to the point where she has severe anxiety and panic attacks, she always worries about him.

Anyway......

THE PLAN
1) We expect to find him a room to share in a house with two other people for $400 a month. We will move him out and pay the first months rent, after that he has to pay the rent etc. This will take up some of his money he has free now for drugs, etc. and won't let him be comfortable at home around mom and dad, he is almost 22.

2) We will keep the car tracker on the car; it shows us down to the inch where the car is located. He will only be able to use it to go to college, work and the gym. If he goes anywhere else, we will get rid of the car and he will have to figure out transportation on his own. The problem with where we live is everything is spread to far out and no bus transportation etc. You can't walk or ride a bike. His school is 30 miles away.

3) Then if he does graduate and gets accepted to college, we will pay for that and allow him to go to school.

He will need to figure out when to quit doing drugs and alcohol on his own, and we will point him in the right direction. But we do need to get him out of the home and let him start handling everything himself.

NOTE: Many people say kick him out, don't help him get a place, don't give him a car, leave him with nothing. In my opinion, that leaves someone with nothing, no hope, nothing. At least getting him started like outlined above will give him some form of hope, then whatever happens to him after that is by his choice.

Any thoughts and comments would be great!
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Old 03-22-2016, 06:24 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Sorry for what brings you here.

My dad kicked me out of the house the FIRST time he found drugs. I don't think he did it because he thought I'd quit, he just wouldn't tolerate it in the home when there were younger kids in the house (my sisters). He had a rule and he enforced it.

And I didn't quit. I used for ten more years.

You don't want to just kick him out, but your rule seems to be, screw up and we will cut you off. That's a good rule, for your sanity. Stand by it. But I doubt it will change your son's behavior.
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Old 03-22-2016, 06:34 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Welcome HAFP I too am sorry for what brings you here I hope you find the support here useful I really hope your son finds recovery
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Old 03-22-2016, 06:36 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Hi there,

I am not a parent BUT I will say that once my Dad stopped enabling me, I got better. He paid for me to go to 6 weeks of rehab and I came out and drank. He loaned me money, payed my credit card off, payed my rent etc. and I drank and drank and loaded up on Xanax. The last time I wound up in detox he said "I'm done enabling you. You need to go to rehab and you will be paying for it yourself." He distanced himself from me and did not visit me in rehab. In fact, the whole family went on a 2 week vacation to Hawaii without me. I've stayed sober since that day he let me fall flat on my face. It was the greatest gift anyone has ever given me - to let me fall on my face and pick up the pieces of my life myself. Since leaving rehab I've dealt with financial troubles and my father said "I know you've got a lot of debt, you might have to file for bankruptcy or work out a payment plan for your bills" but he did not offer to give me any money. In 10 months I got a full time job in my career field, a cute little apartment and I have a nice, sober life.

There's no right or wrong way to approach this and I certainly feel for you as your hands are tied it seems. You are absolutely right that rehabs want your money. I went to rehab 3 times (one of them I walked out of after 24 hours because I was such a brat). The sad and scary thing is that the desire for your son to be sober HAS to come from within. HE has to realize how out of control his life is and how miserable his situation is. He may be doing fine at school now but soon he won't be. Addiction is progressive. Over time it gets worse....never better. It make take him failing out of school to realize he has to stop.

What really helped me get sober and stay sober was Big Book Step Study meetings of alcoholics anonymous. These are very specific meetings that focus on the 12 steps of recovery and how to work the steps. I got a sponsor immediately out of rehab. I did and still do whatever she tells me to do no matter how insane it might seem. I am not sure where you live but Big Book Step Study meetings are big in certain areas of the country. BBSS really helped me see how much of a spoiled brat I was and have helped me turn my life around.

Also, I was diagnosed with ADD, Depression AND OCD as well. I was on loads of medications. Once I quit drinking I was able to come of all medications and I function perfectly fine.

Sending warm thoughts your way.
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Old 03-22-2016, 06:37 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Welcome to the family. The only thing you can do is set and enforce boundaries for what you will tolerate from him. If it means kicking him out, so be it. You've got to put the ball in his court.

I hope he decides to get clean.

We have a friends and family forum for those with a loved one addicted to substances or alcohol. Take a look for more insight.
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Old 03-22-2016, 06:47 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Hi Father. I'm sorry you're in this place and sorry for what your son has put you through. I've been through all of this, different substances, but basically the same. First off, get yourself to a NarAnon or AlAnon meeting and don't quit till you find a group that you can relate to.
I GPS'ed my kid for years. We prevented a lot of drunk driving. We also spent countless hours filled with anxiety trailing him, trapping him, pulling him out of the car. Ironically, he switched cars and before we could hardwire the GPS back in, he got a DUI. It didn't cure him from drinking but it was a HUGE wake up call. He needed to feel the consequences himself. He couldn't drive for 6 months and had to pay everything related to it himself, retain the lawyer and go to court by himself.

He us currently on Antabuse which helps tremendously. I would recommend Vivitrol but it is ridiculously expensive if your insurance doesn't pay for it,

Yes, there are probably tons of underlying conditions but ultimately all of it has to be your sons willingness to get better. Even after all we've been through I know my son wants to be like all the other young adults he sees who drink, but don't seem to get in any trouble, or who know when to stop. (My son is a binger).

We too have gone the route of gradual independence. My son moved an hour away to go to grad school. The rules are simple. Drinking and driving = car will be sold. Arrest = no contact. We had to draw the line.

I've also had to give up my surveillance. It may cost me in the long run but with AlAnon I've been able to find a measure of peace. Like your son, my son does very well in school. . I do not know what the future holds but I can't change it. He knows we love him and have his best interests at heart, but he is an adult and chooses his path. One day I think he'll make it, the next I don't. But I have lost myself so much over the past 5 years that I and everyone around me suffers.

Please keep in touch on SR. This place has been invaluable to me. No one on here can fix the problem but we can help save your sanity.
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Old 03-22-2016, 07:07 AM   #7 (permalink)
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I agree with INgal. You have to get stronger and practice tough love. To learn this you must go to AlAnon and/or NarAnon to get the "tools" to do this. You will be able to hear from others in your situation and there is strength in numbers. They will support you and encourage you to stop enabling him. Things will only change when you change what you have been doing. Please search the net for meetings near you.
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Old 03-22-2016, 04:18 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Hi and welcome HelpaFatherPlea

I'm not a parent either but I know you'll find support here. Good clear boundaries for you and your son sound like a good idea to me.

You may also be interested in our Family and Friends forums here as well: you'll find support down there too

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/#friends-family
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Old 03-22-2016, 04:48 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Welcome, and I'm glad that you're here and seeking support.
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