Ah well. I thought I was doing great....
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Ireland
Posts: 17
Ah well. I thought I was doing great....
After about six weeks dry, enjoying it immensely, I fell off the wagon. I even went out during my sober weeks, socialised with friends and watched as they got hammered. Drove them home as 'designated driver' and thought 'Damn, I'm glad I'm not going to wake up tomorrow feeling like they do'. Enjoyed having more energy, was in overall better mood, more active.
So how the hell did wine inveigle its way back into my life? I'm asking myself am I just plain stupid. At some stage about two weeks ago, I managed to convince myself that all was well, I could have a glass or two of wine and toddle off to bed. So I did, and that was grand. Except as the nights wore on, the glasses became half a bottle, three-quarters of a bottle, a whole bottle. Which is my limit, I don't drink myself into total oblivion, but the demon is there and it's called Red Wine At Home In The Evening. And of course the sensible part of my head knew exactly what was going to happen. Over a few nights, two glasses would become a bottle. Not rocket-science.
I can make stupid excuses, like I had a tough Performance Appraisal at work or my OH was on a business trip to the U.S. this week and to be honest I was a bit lonely, and tired looking after the kids solo, all of which are true, but none of which form a valid excuse because although I'm stupid enough to fall for it, I'm not so stupid that I don't know exactly how the drug operates on my mind. There's always some excuse, either a difficulty in life, or something to celebrate.
I also feel I've let down the good people on this site who gave me encouragement.
So now I have to start all over again. ****.
So how the hell did wine inveigle its way back into my life? I'm asking myself am I just plain stupid. At some stage about two weeks ago, I managed to convince myself that all was well, I could have a glass or two of wine and toddle off to bed. So I did, and that was grand. Except as the nights wore on, the glasses became half a bottle, three-quarters of a bottle, a whole bottle. Which is my limit, I don't drink myself into total oblivion, but the demon is there and it's called Red Wine At Home In The Evening. And of course the sensible part of my head knew exactly what was going to happen. Over a few nights, two glasses would become a bottle. Not rocket-science.
I can make stupid excuses, like I had a tough Performance Appraisal at work or my OH was on a business trip to the U.S. this week and to be honest I was a bit lonely, and tired looking after the kids solo, all of which are true, but none of which form a valid excuse because although I'm stupid enough to fall for it, I'm not so stupid that I don't know exactly how the drug operates on my mind. There's always some excuse, either a difficulty in life, or something to celebrate.
I also feel I've let down the good people on this site who gave me encouragement.
So now I have to start all over again. ****.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,784
My last relapse, I broke six months of sobriety. 
I was so disgusted with myself.
I had finally come to the point where I wanted to be sober more than I wanted to drink. It's been over six years sober now and my life is better than ever.
Get back up and do it again. You can do this.
I was so disgusted with myself. I had finally come to the point where I wanted to be sober more than I wanted to drink. It's been over six years sober now and my life is better than ever.
Get back up and do it again. You can do this. 
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Ireland
Posts: 17
Sincerest thanks, people. The strange thing is that I can't identify any 'trigger' that made me go and buy that first bottle of wine. No anxiety, no elation, just a cold, clear decision. I should have felt guilt or shame or something walking into the store, that should have stopped me. But maybe the Wine Demon has a little 'override' button in my head.
I'd had a bit of anxiety difficulties the first few days of being sober. Nothing serious, just a nagging feeling. That disappeared on Day Five, and from then on things just got better. Why I decided to knowingly sabotage all that remains a mystery to me. This time I need a Plan.
I'd had a bit of anxiety difficulties the first few days of being sober. Nothing serious, just a nagging feeling. That disappeared on Day Five, and from then on things just got better. Why I decided to knowingly sabotage all that remains a mystery to me. This time I need a Plan.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,569
No, Sancho - we are not let down. Most of us have had this same experience. You learned something valuable and important. The last time I thought I could be a social drinker I was off for years - so you did better than me. Nothing caused me to pick up either - I just did it - for no good reason. Main thing is, you are back and you are wiser. You're doing this thing. 
Nothing caused me to pick up either - I just did it - for no good reason. Main thing is, you are back and you are wiser. You're doing this thing. Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: California
Posts: 13,044
Hi Sancho,
This has been me in several occasions, just substitute white wine for red. It always started with the idea of just one glass, and I could easily romanticize that damn glass of wine. Of course, like you, that one glass became two, then a bottle, and at times opening a second bottle.
I have not touched a drop since NYE, but having a glass of wine has crossed my mind occasionally. Thank you for posting, your experience has helped me, and I am sure several others.
You can get right back tomorrow and start again. You've got this.
❤️Delilah
This has been me in several occasions, just substitute white wine for red. It always started with the idea of just one glass, and I could easily romanticize that damn glass of wine. Of course, like you, that one glass became two, then a bottle, and at times opening a second bottle.
I have not touched a drop since NYE, but having a glass of wine has crossed my mind occasionally. Thank you for posting, your experience has helped me, and I am sure several others.
You can get right back tomorrow and start again. You've got this.
❤️Delilah
Guest
Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 444
Hi Sancho
We aren't disappointed in you! Bummed for you because you're going through this again but not disappointed. You made a really good start and now need to climb back on the horse as was mentioned above.
You sound level headed and ready for the final round.
Best wishes to you.
Jonathan
We aren't disappointed in you! Bummed for you because you're going through this again but not disappointed. You made a really good start and now need to climb back on the horse as was mentioned above.
You sound level headed and ready for the final round.
Best wishes to you.
Jonathan
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