Sunflowerlife

Hi everyone,
Day 57 over here and I've got a question. I used to attend AA back in 2005 and I remember them emphasizing not to make any major life changes in the first year of sobriety.

I am not in AA now so I am not sure if this is just an AA thing or something that is recommended in other forms of recovery as well. Regardless I wanted to know what you thought about this and if you think it depends on the life change and of course on the person.

Here is what has come up for me: I have been a stay at home Mom for over 4 years now and wasn't planning on returning to work for another 1.5 years at least. Well, I have been thinking of returning part time, which I think would be do-able. I would pick something low stress just to get out of the house 2 days a week (when DH is off) and bring in some extra income. However, the other day a friend of DH's texted him with a pretty great, full time opportunity for me. I got excited about it but also nervous. It involves traveling 4 days a week and working from home on Fridays and is in the field I left when I became a SAHM. I would have to put my very attached 18 month old into daycare at least 3 days a week. That is the part I am most worried about although I also have anxiety and depression (being treated for both) and am wondering if I could even handle a full time job right now.

Sorry to ramble- I probably didn't need to get into all that detail. My question is, WWYD? Do you think it's important to take it easy the first year if that is possible (in my case I could continue to stay at home or find part time work rather than full time.) Do you believe we are more fragile the first year and that is why it is often suggested that we avoid major life changes? Has anyone successful made a huge change and how did that affect you?

Thank you for any input.

Bunny211

Hi there. I don't think it is AA specific. If it is, it shouldn't be. I think the "major changes" issue is to remind us that in the first year we are fragile creatures. The first year should be spent focusing on self care: rest, healthy food, water, exercise, meditation etc. However, there is that "real world" angle that is often overlooked. I had to get a job because I had no money and without money I couldn't feed myself. I started off temping. Then, around 7 months in, I got a full time job. I made a promise to myself and to my sponsor that if working full time put me in any danger of losing my recovery, I would quit and go back to temping. IT has not hurt my sobriety in any way. Sometimes I get stressed out but I remind myself that my job as a secretary, while important, is not life and death in nature. If I screw up an email..well no one died on the operating table now, did they?

I don't see a problem with you getting a PT job. If it doesn't work out you can always quit, right? Test it out.

Ruby2

I don't think that advice is specific to AA. What Bunny said. We are fragile in our first year of sobriety. Trying to navigate life and all its ups and downs without resorting to our former #1 problem solver and soother, alcohol.

I think that if you are a stay at home mom looking to get out of the house and get your feet wet, part time work is a good way to go. It's a practice run to moving back to full time work. As tempting as the full time position might be, how would you handle the stress of four days of travel? Did you drink at home? Would working from the house on Fridays be too much? Working full time with little kids and juggling daycare is very stressful. Trust me on this one.

Other opportunities will come along. Your new sobriety should take precedence at this point. Well done on Day 57! Keep it going.

least

I would follow my heart. Whatever is close to your heart. I had to go back to work when my kids were little and it hurt. I got to stay home with the last one and really enjoyed watching her grow.

Follow your heart.

Sunflowerlife

I am not sure how I would handle the stress honestly. I can tell you that I don't handle it very well these days as it is, especially mornings trying to get the 4 year old to school with the little one running around and getting into everything. I worry about having to get both of them to school and how that would affect me as well. My husband seems to think it would all be just fine but he isn't the type to analyze everything like I do and he also isn't in recovery not does he understand how serious it is.

Yes, I used to drink at home. We moved to a new state in October and that's when I hit rock bottom, drinking every day at home while watching my youngest one. I really don't see myself going back to that. The only cravings o get now are when we go out to a restaurant since it is a new concept for me to order soda instead of 2 or 3 glasses of wine!

Thank you for your input.

Sunflowerlife

Thank you. I do think I could handle part time and you are right, I could just "test it out" and see how it goes. Thank you so mUch.

Dee74

Some good advice here Sunflower. The one year thing may not be a rule, but I still think it's sensible advice not to bite off more than you can chew the first year.

Part time seems a good compromise?

D

sg1970

When you have a decision ask yourself "is this taking me closer to sobriety or further away from it".

strategery

Almost 2 months is still very early in sobriety. If you are still struggling with anxiety and depression, I don't see adding a job into the mix being helpful and potentially disastrous.

You had mentioned you weren't planning to return back to work for over another year. Why not re-evaluate going back to work when you have another 6 months under your belt?

I ended up going back to a job that used to be a massive trigger for me when I was at 8 months of sobriety since it is high pressure and stress. I have done fine with it, but I wouldn't have put myself in that situation any earlier. I was nervous enough about it at 8 months and really kept an eye out, but had pretty good coping skills with dealing with triggers by then.

Thumpalumpacus

Go slow, Sunny. The full-time job, with children, is difficult enough without even considering the emotional swings that come in early recovery.

You'll get more opportunities as time goes by.

fini

the 'no-big-decisions-in -the-first-year-thing' is not part of the AA program, or in that primary literature, as far as i know. it seems that idea comes mostly from the rehab/treatment industry.
which doesn't mean it's not valid and possibly good advice.

seems to me you have two separate issues to consider:

-changing your plan from not going back to work for another 1.5 years to looking for work now and

-this opportunity which came up but is much more than you wanted timewise originally and involves a very major change or twenty for your entire family.

maybe splitting them up and settling the first whether-to-go-to-work-an-entire-year-and-a-half-earlier-than-planned issue first before you even consider the second part, no matter how exciting it might be.

Outonthetiles

Well, I sure violated that rule. I proposed on Feb. 14, when I'd been sober for a grand total of 12 days.

ru12

Well it seems to me that you have a full time job taking care of the little ones. And who could possibly do that better than you? If it were me I'd just relax a bit and breathe. Get settled in sobriety. Work will always be there.

FormerWineGirl

Going from being a stay-at-home-mom to a full-time job traveling 4 days a week isn't just a big change, it's HUGE.

For me, it was a challenge just to transition from being a stay-at-home-mom to going back to part-time work when my kids were small. This was 24 years ago, pre-alcoholism - so recovery wasn't even in the equation at that time.

I don't know what kind of work you do, but after I went back to full-time and had to travel with my job, my drinking escalated. For whatever reason, the finance industry is notorious for drinking, so I fit right in (unfortunately).

Just my experience a two cents worth, but everyone and every situation is different. Good luck with your decision!

Berrybean

I hope as part of that proposal you made her aware of the extent of your problem - You said earlier in Feb that she was unaware of it.

Soberwolf

Congrats on day 57

Dropsie

lets face it, being home with small children 24/7 is hard too.

I agree that the full time job light be a stretch, but getting out a couple days a week might be a relief. It would be for me.

Sunflowerlife

Thank you everyone. I decided to stick to my original plan and look for two days a week when DH is home, so that I can ease back into work and our lo doesn't have to go into childcare (I have never left him with anyone before).

I think my husband was a bit disappointed but he obviously just doesn't get how many changes a full time job would create (like he would have to start helping me with the laundry and cleaning and the mornings with the kids).

I kept asking myself why this job popped up like that out of the blue and I guess part of me thought it happened for a reason meaning I was supposed to take the job. But that's not true- if anything it showed me that I will definitely be ready to go back to work in a couple of years (because I was very excited about the idea of the job) and it also helps me to appreciate my role as a SAHM because the other part of me doesn't want that to end right now. Plus, it was a position I hadn't even thought of before but now I can add that to my list of jobs to look into when the time comes.

Thanks so much for all the input. I appreciate each and every one of you!

freestylebob

Hi SunFlower

There is only one rule to follow, it works 100% of the time.

DDNMW (don't drink/drug no matter what), staying stopped is a must for you and your family. It's a journey for sure but drawing lines in sand as to what to do or not to do doesn't really work for most. You hear about the 90 meetings in 90 days, means nothing imo because 90% fail in doing that, but failures are part of the journey to staying stopped.

I was told I had to change everything, I changed two things, 1.) I stopped drinking 2.) Kept an eye on the sober bouncing ball, that's it, so much easier than drinking.

Take Care