Para

Hi everyone,

After two months sober, I picked a bottle of wine and drank it all. I don't know what I was thinking.
Actually, I do.... I thought that I could control my drinking. That I could just have one glass. Every time I binge...that's the thought.
How do I stop it!?
I try playing the tape forward, I do...but that thought always gets me down. I don't know what to do. I'm starting to feel defeated.
When will I be free from that thought.
Many times, I know I am powerless over this alcohol addiction, i'm powerless over booze....I have that first drink, and i'm powerless.
But that stupid thought..that I can just have one glass kills me everytime.
When will i learn.

Para

I'm so full of self-pity! And I feel like a loser.
But I will fight this!! I must!!

FreeOwl

been there. a bunch of times.

when will you learn?

well, you've learned. It's not that you don't already know where it leads. It's not that there's some secret bit of knowledge you need before you change all this.

It's not about learning.

it's about CHOOSING.

And, you will choose when the pain of remaining the same finally outweighs the fear of changing.

Are you there yet?

Dropsie

Para,

Ok so it wasn't one glass, but its still one event.

Stop now, take the learning and keep moving forward.

As we all know, its all downhill from here if you don't stop the train before it runs way.

You GOT this.

Grendhar

I only have 5 days but that's a miracle for me.

I have found I have to do something recovery related each day to prepare my mind for the next day. Example of that is I read SR before I go to sleep ... I have been waking up with recovery type thoughts.

Two months is awesome but don't be discouraged .. you obviously know what to do if you made it that long.. really do some reflection and figure out how to prevent a drink again.

Martin1883

Just keep moving forward.

Why look back. It's done.

You know you can do it.

SixStringZen

The only thing you ever have to do , is the next right thing...that's all... Don't get overwhelmed...

Anna

Para, two months of sobriety is great, and be proud of yourself for that. One thing that might help the thought of drinking diminish is to work on yourself. What changes have you made besides stopping drinking? I believe we have to work on the issues behind the drinking in order to recover. And, maybe there are things you could add to your life to help. Volunteer work is a good idea, joining a gym or sports team, taking a course, whatever interests you.

Ariesagain

It's not the bottle, it's that "just one."

There is no such thing, not for long.

Next time your AV tells you "just one," remind yourself it's a big fat lie.

Bunny211

I can relate. I did the same thing over and over again for 2 years. Until I started working the 12 steps of recovery...specifically realizing that I could not save myself, but that God can, I couldn't stay sober.

Plure

Don't feel like a loser because you're not. This crappy thing we have is tough to conquer. I have fallen down several times too...one thing my sponsor said that clicked was, "fall down twice, pick yourself up...fall down 10 times, pick yourself up." That helps focus thinking on moving forward.

Hang in there!

Soberwolf

Hi Para have you got a plan ? 2 months is proof you can do this

rootin for you friend

Findingtheway

I too have been there...Done that...

And felt exactly as you are describing. What changes? Well...Whatever you want to. For myself going to an AA meeting and talking to some guys there (Which was NOT what i wanted to do...) has been a god send.

I didn't stay sober right away after going to AA...I had a few months, slipped (Woke up in hospital)...Got scared/motivated got 87 days...THOUGHT a drink over new years wouldn't hurt...Went on a 6 days BLACK out drinking binge that was BEYOND anything i'd ever experienced.

After that...I was...Like yeah i'm POWERLESS over this.

13 and a half months sober now...But i didn't get here alone. It wouldn't have been possible.

What should you do? What have you been doing? How did you get those sober months...What weren't you doing? Recovery plans are different for each individual.

I sense the *WILLINGNESS* to stop drinking in your post. The fact you did drink, doesn't mean the end.

As long as the *desire to stop drinking* is there...you can stop and stay stopped.

We are glad you're here on SR. Please stay close and talk to us.

Dee74

Hi Para

the way I stopped those thoughts - that I might control it now - was to post here every day whether it was for myself or for others. It was that much harder to buy into the lie when I saw the reality time and again here.

Abstinence is not control.

As long as I stay off the train tracks I have zero chance of being hit by a train.

Start playing on the line again and we're back to square one.

Noone can hold back an express train....

D

Para

Thanks for the positive thoughts and words. I've started working on a sober (relapse prevention) plan. So far, it's just words on a paper. But I plan to turn it into action.
More so, when that alcoholic voice pipes in...and says things like..'you can just have one drink like normal people', 'you're not good enough.', 'you're already so messed up, just drink'...for me, it's important to recognize that it's just AV, I don't have to act on it....

Calicofish

Para - we NEVER want just one glass. That is a lie we tell ourselves. We want the entire bottle and then some. Always.

The only way I ever stopped was to recognize that I never, ever just wanted one drink - ever.

Write that down somewhere. Put it as a memo in your phone and refer to that anytime you think you have one drink. Some might even tattoo a reminder on their wrist (I prefer to use my phone).

CF

Zebra1275

I know I am powerless over this alcohol addiction, i'm powerless over booze....I have that first drink, and i'm powerless.

Sounds like you are ready to complete Step 1 of AA, - We admitted we were powerless over alcohol - that our lives had become unmanageable.

Why don't you go to an AA meeting and try the other steps?

I'm not hard core AA, but it helped me to get out of my downward spiral.

uncorked

Hi Para, two months is fabulous! You've had 60 great days and 1 slip. Those are very good odds. I know I couldn't have just one glass of wine, either. I'd like to think I could, but I'd be wanting the rest of the bottle and then some. Don't tempt yourself. Leave the wine at the grocery store. Stock up on tea or whatever other beverages you enjoy. Buy some good books (if you enjoy reading). Take a walk. Watch Netflix. Clean out a drawer. Pluck your eyebrows. Call your sister. Post here. Volunteer. Just do anything except pop that cork! You know you can do it!