On the edge
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Join Date: Jan 2016
Posts: 66
On the edge
Yesterday I almost gave in and drank. I became so overwhelmed by emotion I was pinching the steering wheel and screaming. I can't see light at the end of the tunnel. I'm very disappointed at how my life has turned out and I don't know how to change. The thing is people generally like me and I don't act out, I'm not a bad guy but I severely lack self esteem and I can't talk to people sober. I stuck in a dead end job and I don't believe any woman would be interested in me. I know it wasn't real but drinking gave me confidence and peace of mind. I've been having more and more suicidal thoughts. I'm sure I will drink before I kill myself. Both thoughts of drinking and suicide disturb me but I'm so tired of the pain
Guest
Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: Michigan
Posts: 772
Hey there. I'm here for ya. We can be our own worst critics. So your absolute best to make it through the day without taking that drink. Have you considered going to an AA meeting? Sobriety has given me a wonderful life and it can do the same for you. We can't change the past, but that is what makes us who we are today. You can do it!
You can have reasons, or you can have results, but you can't have both.
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Syracuse, NY
Posts: 1,232
My Recipe For You (Hope This Is Relevant!)
One of life's truisms is that once you love yourself, only then can someone else love you. I'm sure there's a woman in your future after you develop self-esteem and a zest for your own life. And this is easier than one might think!
It's hard to assess from a distance and I don't know you...but is it possible that you're waiting for life to start now that you're sober? If that's the case, no wonder you're gripping the steering wheel and going bonkers! And not feeling that great about yourself!
I did the same on my first two attempts at sobriety and methinks that might be among the reasons for those failures. This time, I'm taking a much more proactive approach to creating the life I want.
I dunno if this resonates with you at all but if it does, try this approach. Start by envisioning who it is you want to be. What's that man like? What does his dwelling look like? How does he dress? How does he spend his time?
Start making tiny incremental changes to "act as if" you were already that guy! If your home is messy, purge and organize. If you've fallen out of shape from drinking, start a little exercise. Dig deep into your brain to identify any interests you have and if you're like me and have no interests, dig deeper to identify anything you might conceivable BECOME interested in. Then start to seek out others with those interests.
Once per week, go to an environment where you will be forced to meet new people (no, not speed dating to get a woman). Focus first on making platonic friends. At each outing, make a goal of initiating three conversations for no purpose other than practicing social skills...and getting information about other events. You'll have to do this sober -- YIKES!! Use a script. Yep, a script! I'll PM you one we use in sales, and it's great for guiding those early awkward sober small talk situations.
My friend, I relate so much to what you're saying. I hope you'll believe me when I say to you that the TINIEST little change can produce a whole shift in your outlook. My gut tells me that a lot of your discomfort will be alleviated when you become more outwardly focused and make just one or two small tweaks.
This is a cornerstone of my current plan and it's making SO much difference!
It's hard to assess from a distance and I don't know you...but is it possible that you're waiting for life to start now that you're sober? If that's the case, no wonder you're gripping the steering wheel and going bonkers! And not feeling that great about yourself!
I did the same on my first two attempts at sobriety and methinks that might be among the reasons for those failures. This time, I'm taking a much more proactive approach to creating the life I want.
I dunno if this resonates with you at all but if it does, try this approach. Start by envisioning who it is you want to be. What's that man like? What does his dwelling look like? How does he dress? How does he spend his time?
Start making tiny incremental changes to "act as if" you were already that guy! If your home is messy, purge and organize. If you've fallen out of shape from drinking, start a little exercise. Dig deep into your brain to identify any interests you have and if you're like me and have no interests, dig deeper to identify anything you might conceivable BECOME interested in. Then start to seek out others with those interests.
Once per week, go to an environment where you will be forced to meet new people (no, not speed dating to get a woman). Focus first on making platonic friends. At each outing, make a goal of initiating three conversations for no purpose other than practicing social skills...and getting information about other events. You'll have to do this sober -- YIKES!! Use a script. Yep, a script! I'll PM you one we use in sales, and it's great for guiding those early awkward sober small talk situations.
My friend, I relate so much to what you're saying. I hope you'll believe me when I say to you that the TINIEST little change can produce a whole shift in your outlook. My gut tells me that a lot of your discomfort will be alleviated when you become more outwardly focused and make just one or two small tweaks.
This is a cornerstone of my current plan and it's making SO much difference!
Do your best
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 67,047
You didn't give in and drink though there is a big reason why you never you know that
You sound depressed have you spoken to a Dr about that ?
Remember what your feeling now will pass & you always have SR's shoulder to lean on
You sound depressed have you spoken to a Dr about that ?
Remember what your feeling now will pass & you always have SR's shoulder to lean on
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Boston, MA
Posts: 1,601
Oh I feel your pain! I threw myself on my bedroom floor last week screaming and crying. Do you have a sponsor? My sponsor is my lifeline. She's always reminding me not to believe everything I think. I have a disease that wants me dead. My head, my mind, wants to kill me. I try to stay out of my head as much as possible...work, the gym, helping others, reading, mindless things. It does get better......it really does!
How many days/weeks/months sober are you? What you just described is what I experienced a LOT during the first few months. It gets better!
How many days/weeks/months sober are you? What you just described is what I experienced a LOT during the first few months. It gets better!
totfit
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Ft Collins, CO
Posts: 1,273
The very next clear night go out away from all lights and look up into the sky. Think about the limitlessness of space and time. Think about all the wonders of the world, our planet, and the things around us. Remember that any of the "stuff" in our life is just "stuff" and that there are limitless possibilities in life for us to experience and enjoy. Contribute more that you take from life in whatever small ways. For me drinking took away my ability to fully appreciate the wonder. Make life about wonder and possibilities and don't fret the stuff. Self-esteem will come after finding that we can make small contributions and no more is expected or really appreciated. Only time and appropriate actions will clear old wounds. Drinking may be a temporary escape, but drives the wound wider and deeper.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2016
Posts: 356
I've been there
I've been right where you are. I'm past 30 days sober. Put one day in front of the other. Your alcoholic voice will talk to you but don't listen. You can change. It is not too late. You will find great support here. You can do this!
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,512
I think you are in early recovery so it's a tough time and things can seem overwhelming. Try to remember you won't be able to fix everything right away. Sometimes it will take much longer than you would like, but things will improve as long as you keep focused on your recovery.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
Originally Posted by Rmz250 
Yesterday I almost gave in and drank. I became so overwhelmed by emotion I was pinching the steering wheel and screaming. I can't see light at the end of the tunnel. I'm very disappointed at how my life has turned out and I don't know how to change. The thing is people generally like me and I don't act out, I'm not a bad guy but I severely lack self esteem and I can't talk to people sober. I stuck in a dead end job and I don't believe any woman would be interested in me. I know it wasn't real but drinking gave me confidence and peace of mind. I've been having more and more suicidal thoughts. I'm sure I will drink before I kill myself. Both thoughts of drinking and suicide disturb me but I'm so tired of the pain
What's your approach to sobriety, beyond "not drinking"?
I ask because some of what you said makes me think of the emotions underlying my own addiction, and how until I started to work on those and make progress in loving myself and being OK with myself.... "not drinking" was always temporary....
I could see peace instead of this
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Canada, eh
Posts: 2,360
This is how I felt for several years before I relapsed. I had quit going to AA and my thinking and attitude reverted to negativity and pessimism. I hated my job and I hated my life and I hated myself. A lot of the time I felt like my head would explode. I had depression and anxiety and panic attacks and it got so bad I insanely thought drinking would be an improvement.
When I tried to stop drinking again on my own, I still felt like that. It wasn't until I went back to meetings and started working the 12 Steps in my life again that I began to feel better.
Whatever route you take to, I agree that just "not drinking" without making other changes seldom leads to a contented sobriety.
When I tried to stop drinking again on my own, I still felt like that. It wasn't until I went back to meetings and started working the 12 Steps in my life again that I began to feel better.
Whatever route you take to, I agree that just "not drinking" without making other changes seldom leads to a contented sobriety.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2016
Posts: 66
Originally Posted by SoberLife90
Hey there. I'm here for ya. We can be our own worst critics. So your absolute best to make it through the day without taking that drink. Have you considered going to an AA meeting? Sobriety has given me a wonderful life and it can do the same for you. We can't change the past, but that is what makes us who we are today. You can do it!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2016
Posts: 66
Originally Posted by SoberinSyracuse
One of life's truisms is that once you love yourself, only then can someone else love you. I'm sure there's a woman in your future after you develop self-esteem and a zest for your own life. And this is easier than one might think! It's hard to assess from a distance and I don't know you...but is it possible that you're waiting for life to start now that you're sober? If that's the case, no wonder you're gripping the steering wheel and going bonkers! And not feeling that great about yourself! I did the same on my first two attempts at sobriety and methinks that might be among the reasons for those failures. This time, I'm taking a much more proactive approach to creating the life I want. I dunno if this resonates with you at all but if it does, try this approach. Start by envisioning who it is you want to be. What's that man like? What does his dwelling look like? How does he dress? How does he spend his time? Start making tiny incremental changes to "act as if" you were already that guy! If your home is messy, purge and organize. If you've fallen out of shape from drinking, start a little exercise. Dig deep into your brain to identify any interests you have and if you're like me and have no interests, dig deeper to identify anything you might conceivable BECOME interested in. Then start to seek out others with those interests. Once per week, go to an environment where you will be forced to meet new people (no, not speed dating to get a woman). Focus first on making platonic friends. At each outing, make a goal of initiating three conversations for no purpose other than practicing social skills...and getting information about other events. You'll have to do this sober -- YIKES!! Use a script. Yep, a script! I'll PM you one we use in sales, and it's great for guiding those early awkward sober small talk situations. My friend, I relate so much to what you're saying. I hope you'll believe me when I say to you that the TINIEST little change can produce a whole shift in your outlook. My gut tells me that a lot of your discomfort will be alleviated when you become more outwardly focused and make just one or two small tweaks. This is a cornerstone of my current plan and it's making SO much difference!
I'm not even saying I want a relationship now, just want to believe it could be a possibility one day.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2016
Posts: 770
Originally Posted by Rmz250
Yesterday I almost gave in and drank. I became so overwhelmed by emotion I was pinching the steering wheel and screaming. I can't see light at the end of the tunnel. I'm very disappointed at how my life has turned out and I don't know how to change. The thing is people generally like me and I don't act out, I'm not a bad guy but I severely lack self esteem and I can't talk to people sober. I stuck in a dead end job and I don't believe any woman would be interested in me. I know it wasn't real but drinking gave me confidence and peace of mind. I've been having more and more suicidal thoughts. I'm sure I will drink before I kill myself. Both thoughts of drinking and suicide disturb me but I'm so tired of the pain
Let me guess. Even if you are successful at something, you filter it out because of how you feel?
The path in the past that got you in the place you're in, that you can't change. What you can change is what happens from here on out. And you need to work on some issues.
I highly suggest you go see your doctor about this. You do not need to suffer. There are options. There are treatments.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2016
Posts: 66
Originally Posted by MikeM
You almost gave in but didn't. That's a success! Let me guess. Even if you are successful at something, you filter it out because of how you feel? The path in the past that got you in the place you're in, that you can't change. What you can change is what happens from here on out. And you need to work on some issues. I highly suggest you go see your doctor about this. You do not need to suffer. There are options. There are treatments.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2016
Posts: 770
Originally Posted by Rmz250
Yes, I have a very low self image and struggle to see the good. When I do I discredit it. In treatment they tried to make me see my defects all the time. That's all I ever see. Going in to treatment I believed I was just inadequate but now I'm struggling with the belief that I'm actually I bad person
You're not a bad person. And we all have our strengths and weaknesses. If you only focus on the bad, you are going to feel inadequate though.
How about a realistic view on yourself? Take two pieces of paper. On one, write down all the good things. The good things about you. The good things you did. Your successes. Everything.
On the other, write down the negatives.
But, do this from a realistic perspective. No judgement. No thinking. Especially not thinking: "Yeah, this was good, but...". No, just writing.
Once you've done that, you will have a much clearer perspective on yourself. You will see the things that are good. Maybe some you can make even better! And you will see the negatives. And I know that you can change at least one of them. There is at least one you can do yourself. And with some help. Good help, that is, you can really make an improvement.
Heck, you can post them here if you need some help and to get ideas. I've seen better advice here than in some treatments.
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