Delizadee

So much leaking going on today. There are not a whole lot of happy alive places in my head right now. Everywhere I look it just feels like utter devastation. I realized at one point tonight that I was sober but dry knuckling it- my head would randomly scream "I WANT A DRINK!!" and I'd just pat it on the head and say, nooooo... use my sober tool app and do some reading while I smoke. Breathe and read it out.

Until the evening it. They are the worst. Me and my little one are living in the basement of my friends house. The situation is ok, it's just all around very depressing. I was sitting at my computer and the whisper came... "let's have a drink.... no one needs to know" and I walked myself through the motions of pouring a drink in my head and felt that mild euphoria mixed with relief as you replay those old, comfortable going through the motions routine. And taking that first sip.
Damn!! I'm slipped into that feeling of ahhhh, relief, everything else just melts away for a moment... just one before bed.

Didn't know what to do and needed to stop it NOW by having a drink. So I took out an empty vodka bottle, filled it halfway with water, poured myself a nice cool shot of water and then poured that into my nummy juice. Then I went and smoked and sipped on my "drink".

It feels silly saying it now. But I gave in without giving in and it snapped me back. Took out my binder to keep working on my plan and my big book to start working on step 4. Gratitude listed...

This place is helping so much. I have moments where I just absolutely cannot take the fear and anxiety and sadness that over take me. I came very close to giving in tonight for real.

Tomorrow I plan on reconnecting with some AA pals so I have that avenue for other immediate support. This is TOUGH doing it all alone.

Good night on my first 48! Thanks for the support everyone. Sometimes giving up just feels easier. Right now I'm riding on the coat tails of everyone else's positivity so I'm grateful for all you!

Steely

That was great. You went through the motions but didn't drink alcohol. So many rituals attached to alcohol/smoking/habits etc, seems to me you just went through another step in the UNlearning and letting go completely goal. Hard to toss in the towel. Well done.

Notimetoloose

I am a big believer in whatever works ...sometimes satisfying the actual physical habit is all that is needed to quieten the AV...
....When I gave up smoking, occasionally I would act like I was smoking, using the barrel of a pen... big deep breaths in through the barrel and releasing them like the smoke from a cigarette.
The placebo effect can be very powerful.
When I gave up drinking; occasionally I would pour juice or water into a big wine glass when I was making dinner...it helped me and didn't trigger me.
Delizadee, Have you read about AVRT of RR?. There is some info in the secular section of this site...

Delilah1

I am just finishing up 47 days, and on Valentine's Day I set the table with pretty wine glasses for all of us. I poured water with lemon into mine, kids had apple juice and water, my husband opted for a beer. My oldest asked "Aren't these for wine?" I told her they can be for anything we want.

There is something about using nice glass wear that I enjoy. So I am keeping my glasses, just substituting what goes in them!

kinzoku

Well done.

I do this with sparkling water. No shame. Whatever it takes!

Dropsie

Glad you found something that helped.

Its wonderful that your friend is helping you out, but I find that basements can be depressing -- take walks -- make sure you get enough light.

You can do this.

Upward2Enlightenment

I'm glad you didn't drink but, be careful with satisfying your urge that way.
My old counselor used to say that relapses happen in the mind before they happen in real life.

Stay strong and sober.

Soberwolf

Congrats things will steadily improve as times goes along

chrcarlson

68 days sober. I spent last week in jail, wreckage from a DUI. A basement sounds pretty nice. I can convince you if you like. I always want to drink the day I get out, Mondays. It soon passes and I feel better Tuesdays. I'll be done with jail for the rest of my life soon if I don't drink again. Things are slowly improving for me. I'm sure they will improve for you as well if you don't drink and do a small thing everyday to make your life better.

I know it's tough for you but you are not alone. I'm with you if only in spirit. If you start feeling bad about that basement you can read about my "basement" in other posts but be aware I haven't posted all of it. If I can be positive I'm sure you can too.

Best Wishes
Chris

least

I'm glad you didn't give in and drink.

Bird615

I still think about that feeling of "aahh" too, but then I take it all the way to the end with the dry heaves, the pounding headache, racing heart, shaking and sweating, anxiety, shame, regret, wishing I could die...

I agree that it's tough doing it all alone, so it's good you're getting support.

Delizadee

Thanks everyone! I woke up this morning feeling great! Even though I had a head ache and that thought popped into my head... "mmm eye opener" I mentally laughed that away and made myself a cup of coffee and took the dogs outside. I feel like the weight is slowly lifting. I cried quite a bit yesterday. Today things don't feel quite as bleak. I slept well enough, the nightmares seem to be lessening and I'm just left with the good ol night sweats now.

One thing I haven't done yet is get rid of the rest of my vodka. I am trying to take baby steps and right now I am taking any rationalization for things that DOESN'T include taking a drink. The other times when I would get back to my first sober day, and I didn't have alcohol left, my mind would panic and I would switch into auto-pilot; get dressed, get in the van, go buy smokes and booze and drinking before I even had a conscious thought of what I was doing.

Right now I'm keeping it because it's keeping the anxiety of not having at bay which is keeping me from going on auto-pilot and doing something without even realizing I've made the decision to do it. Like last night I thought through all my cravings, came here, read my sober tool app, exercised, etc. I never once touched that bottle. Except for the empty one for of water :P

I'm going to plan on dumping it out and soon... so feel free to keep bugging me.

Day 3 is coming in strong.