Valentines Day Support thread
Member
Join Date: Mar 2015
Location: Florida
Posts: 874
I have always thought Valentines was most fun because of my children - it has been an excuse to give them a small gift or balloon or candy. And, its an opportunity to take a night off from chores and have a nice dinner.
Nice thread!
XO to all of you!
Nice thread!
XO to all of you!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Indiana
Posts: 1,472
I will be alone tomorrow for Valentine's day and it will be the 7th in a row like that. The big difference this time is I will be sober. So the way I see it, I'm giving myself a better Valentine's Day gift than anyone else could ever possibly give me.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,569
EndGameNYC - loved your posts. I agree - "For 'tis better to be alone than in bad company". 
I'm married, but I still think it's kind of a silly holiday - where everyone feels obligated to produce something amazing for their partner. I have little use for a 4 ft. tall teddy bear, thank you very much.
I'm married, but I still think it's kind of a silly holiday - where everyone feels obligated to produce something amazing for their partner. I have little use for a 4 ft. tall teddy bear, thank you very much.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: West Coast
Posts: 174
Another single lady here. I actually like being by myself, so I will just enjoy another day thankful that I'm not going to waste the day drinking like I did so many other Valentines Days..... and I'm celebrating 6 months of sobriety this week!!!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 3,010
It is that time of year again. The time of year when we might yearn to have a love life made up of fantasy and romance. Everyone else seems to be gearing up for passion-filled nights except you. And the chill wind of February doesn’t help. Why is it, you ask yourself, that you are the only one who does not have a wonderful partner who fulfils your every need and then some?
Another Valentine’s Day rolling around and the most love you are likely to experience is from your neighbour’s friendly dog. You keep wondering what is wrong with you.
Well, the answer is that there is nothing wrong with you. A psychiatrist once told me that half his patients come to him because they are not married. The other half come to him because they are.
Those who are not in ideal relationships too often lament the kind of relationships hyped up through films and novels and media outlets. Unconditional love and endless passion are mostly figments of the imaginations of scriptwriters, presenters and journalists.
Unfortunately, the outcome of the impressions created is to make the majority of the population feel inadequate when it comes to their relationships.
We tend to be very hard on ourselves, particularly as February 14th looms on the horizon. Everyone else seems to be in receipt of cards and flowers except you.
We very readily discharge harsh criticism towards ourselves. This is a state of affairs that we must challenge.
The reality is, we would never criticise others in the way that we criticise ourselves. We seem to have no problem tearing strips off ourselves, which does us no favours and usually makes us feel worse. This has to stop and there is no better time to start than now. We need to create a kinder and more compassionate universe around ourselves. That voice in our head has to make some positive adjustments.
So what can you do to learn to love yourself and end destructive self-criticism? Here are a few pointers:
Positivity: Start talking to yourself in a positive way. Compliment yourself on your achievements, no matter how small. Make the determination that from now on you are going to like, or even love, yourself.
Compliments: Graciously accept the compliments of others. Avoid the temptation to dismiss positive comments about you from others as lies or spoken because the person giving the compliment has ulterior motives.
Walk tall: “Fake it till you make it” means that if you act in a confident way, you will actually release chemicals in the brain that will reinforce your confident behaviour.
Look well, dress well: Make an effort every morning to leave the house looking and feeling like a million dollars. Throw out that “reliable” sweater that you have been wearing for years which makes you look 20 years older than you are. Generate the habit of and invest in looking well.
Pamper yourself: There are enough outlets attached to hotels and elsewhere to book into for a “me” day. If you can’t afford that, a candle-lit bath with some essential oils might do the trick. The important thing is to make the time to do it.
Develop a positive mantra: It can be as simple as “I am wonderful”. Because you are.
Live with gratitude: This is a message that is coming through from a number of gurus to whom I have been listening lately. If we take some time to reflect on what is good in our lives now, we are much less likely to become depressed by negative aspects. Write down three things that are good in your life each evening before bedtime. You’ll be amazed at the shift in your thinking.
Do something new: Join a yoga class. Enrol for an adult education course. Support a political party. Join a walking club. If you don’t have a pet, play with a neighbour’s pooch. You never know what will happen when you do something different.
Keep your energy: Gravitate towards the radiators and avoid the drains. Be around positive people and stay away from the ones who sap your energy. It’s that simple.
Help someone else: This will inevitably move you away from self-pity.
Regardless of your relationship status, don’t forget to love the most important person in your life. That is you.
Another Valentine’s Day rolling around and the most love you are likely to experience is from your neighbour’s friendly dog. You keep wondering what is wrong with you.
Well, the answer is that there is nothing wrong with you. A psychiatrist once told me that half his patients come to him because they are not married. The other half come to him because they are.
Those who are not in ideal relationships too often lament the kind of relationships hyped up through films and novels and media outlets. Unconditional love and endless passion are mostly figments of the imaginations of scriptwriters, presenters and journalists.
Unfortunately, the outcome of the impressions created is to make the majority of the population feel inadequate when it comes to their relationships.
We tend to be very hard on ourselves, particularly as February 14th looms on the horizon. Everyone else seems to be in receipt of cards and flowers except you.
We very readily discharge harsh criticism towards ourselves. This is a state of affairs that we must challenge.
The reality is, we would never criticise others in the way that we criticise ourselves. We seem to have no problem tearing strips off ourselves, which does us no favours and usually makes us feel worse. This has to stop and there is no better time to start than now. We need to create a kinder and more compassionate universe around ourselves. That voice in our head has to make some positive adjustments.
So what can you do to learn to love yourself and end destructive self-criticism? Here are a few pointers:
Positivity: Start talking to yourself in a positive way. Compliment yourself on your achievements, no matter how small. Make the determination that from now on you are going to like, or even love, yourself.
Compliments: Graciously accept the compliments of others. Avoid the temptation to dismiss positive comments about you from others as lies or spoken because the person giving the compliment has ulterior motives.
Walk tall: “Fake it till you make it” means that if you act in a confident way, you will actually release chemicals in the brain that will reinforce your confident behaviour.
Look well, dress well: Make an effort every morning to leave the house looking and feeling like a million dollars. Throw out that “reliable” sweater that you have been wearing for years which makes you look 20 years older than you are. Generate the habit of and invest in looking well.
Pamper yourself: There are enough outlets attached to hotels and elsewhere to book into for a “me” day. If you can’t afford that, a candle-lit bath with some essential oils might do the trick. The important thing is to make the time to do it.
Develop a positive mantra: It can be as simple as “I am wonderful”. Because you are.
Live with gratitude: This is a message that is coming through from a number of gurus to whom I have been listening lately. If we take some time to reflect on what is good in our lives now, we are much less likely to become depressed by negative aspects. Write down three things that are good in your life each evening before bedtime. You’ll be amazed at the shift in your thinking.
Do something new: Join a yoga class. Enrol for an adult education course. Support a political party. Join a walking club. If you don’t have a pet, play with a neighbour’s pooch. You never know what will happen when you do something different.
Keep your energy: Gravitate towards the radiators and avoid the drains. Be around positive people and stay away from the ones who sap your energy. It’s that simple.
Help someone else: This will inevitably move you away from self-pity.
Regardless of your relationship status, don’t forget to love the most important person in your life. That is you.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2016
Location: Washington State
Posts: 591
Thank you for making this thread Dee. I just realized I still have my ex's Valentines Day card from last year on my book shelf. I relapsed a few weeks after V Day last year and our relationship fell apart after that, so its maybe not the happiest reminder of early last year. Perhaps its time to take the card down.
Thanks also everyone for your messages. I've read through the whole thread and can relate to a lot of them (and love the jokes!).
I do have a V-Day date tonight though...with my 2 cats, to curl up with and maybe watch a movie. Thank God for cuddly pets.
Thanks also everyone for your messages. I've read through the whole thread and can relate to a lot of them (and love the jokes!).
I do have a V-Day date tonight though...with my 2 cats, to curl up with and maybe watch a movie. Thank God for cuddly pets.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 10,912
I personally don't like Valentine's Day much, see it just like Hevyn:
I do respect the feelings of those that appreciate this holiday and are into expressing themselves that way and/or expect something from their partner. I am able to meet these needs if I had to but it does not usually come naturally and as a consequence, I can feel that I deceive someone with a forced act. Luckily, my husband does not care about this kind of formality either so we are on the same page
The whole topic also reminds me how I view sharing a bed on a daily basis with a domestic partner, my feelings are that it often kills genuine intimacy and spontaneity because physical closeness becomes a habit and practical situation. With most of my longer term domestic partners we had our own rooms and shared them when we felt like it -- I've figured in my twenties that arrangement as the best for me (although it can also provide a means to avoidance when there are problems in the relationship). I really like the genuine, spontaneous moments of intimacy in a relationship and don't like expressing feelings in the moment when they are not truly there. Just a personal preference. So I don't celebrate Valentine's unless someone really wants me to.
Originally Posted by Hevyn 
I'm married, but I still think it's kind of a silly holiday - where everyone feels obligated to produce something amazing for their partner. I have little use for a 4 ft. tall teddy bear, thank you very much.
The whole topic also reminds me how I view sharing a bed on a daily basis with a domestic partner, my feelings are that it often kills genuine intimacy and spontaneity because physical closeness becomes a habit and practical situation. With most of my longer term domestic partners we had our own rooms and shared them when we felt like it -- I've figured in my twenties that arrangement as the best for me (although it can also provide a means to avoidance when there are problems in the relationship). I really like the genuine, spontaneous moments of intimacy in a relationship and don't like expressing feelings in the moment when they are not truly there. Just a personal preference. So I don't celebrate Valentine's unless someone really wants me to.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 10,912
I think that Valentine's Day is probably a trigger similar to grief and anniversaries of loss. Triggering for those of us who lost love and important relationships due to our drinking because the tradition is a reminder of something that was meaningful, less so because the holiday by itself is so meaningful for most people. So perhaps it's best to deal with it similarly to other personally triggering situations: amp up our recovery tools around the time. Like go to meetings or whatever works for each of us.
I've learned from my recovery experience that loss and grief for me is usually not very triggering, for me success and accomplishments (positive events) are much more, so I've become very mindful of these events and how I deal with them. It's like "oh this has worked great, now I can check out of reality and from having to deal with normal life for a bit". I also have issues acknowledging accomplishments, I guess I just respond to that kind of natural reward in a blunted way. I believe many of us tend to react to desires and stressful memories with a similar kind of avoidance feeling, wanting to bury it into ignorant bliss and oblivion or actually amplify feelings that don't really come, create it or substitute via the use of drugs and alcohol . Perhaps the phenomenon that is frequently mentioned here, that some in recovery find it very challenging to be intimate without alcohol or drugs is a little similar: the altered states are something that is not truly out there or/and something that we are unable to connect with naturally.
I've learned from my recovery experience that loss and grief for me is usually not very triggering, for me success and accomplishments (positive events) are much more, so I've become very mindful of these events and how I deal with them. It's like "oh this has worked great, now I can check out of reality and from having to deal with normal life for a bit". I also have issues acknowledging accomplishments, I guess I just respond to that kind of natural reward in a blunted way. I believe many of us tend to react to desires and stressful memories with a similar kind of avoidance feeling, wanting to bury it into ignorant bliss and oblivion or actually amplify feelings that don't really come, create it or substitute via the use of drugs and alcohol . Perhaps the phenomenon that is frequently mentioned here, that some in recovery find it very challenging to be intimate without alcohol or drugs is a little similar: the altered states are something that is not truly out there or/and something that we are unable to connect with naturally.
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