ItsJustMe89

It looks like I am going to make it to see day 3. But only because by the time I gave in to what I really wanted, the liquor stores were already closed. I laid down at 10pm, not intending to actually go to sleep for the night because that is way too early and I hadn't really had dinner (I did eat one cannoli when I got home tho) and I hadn't brushed my teeth yet. I ended up falling asleep for an hour and a half. I woke up at 11:30 and saw that my mom had sent me a message on facebook so I got on my laptop and scrolled through FB and SR for a long time and thought about how nice a strong drink or two would be so I could put myself back to sleep for the night comfortably. And I thought about how I don't know how I am going to make it through this week sober with the amount of cleaning I need to do before my mom gets here Wednesday night, and having all 4 wisdom teeth removed, and valentines day on Sunday. My friend from work invited me to go out for a valentines girls night with her and her sister and I could not possibly participate in that without drinking. Because I know they will be and I am not about to explain to a co worker, even if she is my friend, that I am trying to stay sober because I have a drinking problem. So it is either, not go, and spend valentines day alone and possibly sober, possibly not. Or go out with them and have a nice girls night out and not feel like a lonely loser on v day. And then make next Monday day 1 since this crazy stressful week will be behind me.

These were the thoughts going through my head even tho I had not even drank yet. Finally, I looked in my purse and I had enough money for some Captain so at 1:20am I got in my car and drove to the liquor store that I know is over priced but they stay open later then the others. It was closed. Dah! It closes at 12am on weekdays, it only stays open till 2am on Friday and Saturday. I knew that the others were most likely closed also but I took the longer way home so I could drive past 2 other liquor stores just to make sure they were closed too. They were. It was 15mins till 2 and I knew the only choice left was get beer or wine at a gas station or just go home and not drink. I parked outside a gas station and sat in my car deciding if beer was even worth it. It would have been nice but no, what I wanted was the liquor and since I didn't get that, I mind as well just go home and put myself to bed.

So I am home now, still sober. It is just crazy how I go in circles with my thoughts for so long before I give in and once I do, it is too late anyway. Not much else could motivate me to get dressed at 1:30am and go out into the cold night and drive around looking for it. Powerful stuff. And what kind of person wants to drink by themselves on a work night that bad anyway?

Soberwolf

I'm glad the shop was shut take that as a sign why not reach out when you were having that craving rather than posting because the shop is shut

prioritise your sobriety reach out put as much effort into staying sober as you are thinking about drinking

The key is reaching out when you feel like this

ItsJustMe89

I know you are right. I guess that when I could have reached out to tell SR the thoughts I was having, I wasn't really in danger of acting on them yet. By the time I decided to do it, I didn't want to be stopped anymore. When I was in the car driving to the store, I thought about what a friend in AA had told me one time.. he said that God will help me if I ask him to. In those moments where nothing can stand in the way of me and a drink, he said I need to ask God to help me. But I was already in the car and I did not ask God to help me because at that point, I just wanted to do what I wanted to do. I know this is horrible and disappointing. Sorry.

MythOfSisyphus

I know the feeling, but you can get past it.

Soberwolf

Not disappointing I wish everyone would stop saying that you cant dissapoint me im your friend stop beating yourself up but ultimately learn from this I know you really don't want to be drinking its alcoholism that wants the drink not the real you

least

I'm glad you're still sober and hope you stay that way.

Dropsie

Sober gods were watching out for you.

Hope today is better.

SoberLife90

Yes Sober god. How does guilt and remorse sound to go along with a few drinks? Idk about you, but I've never enjoyed 1 or 2 drinks. I would always have about 10 until I passed out. That was a close one. Don't set yourself up for a relapse with all of those excuses. Our drinking has consequences. You can totally clean your house sober lol. You could also tell your friends your not drinking. The alcoholic life is a messed up road and it will only get worse. Congrats in day 3. One day at a time just try to stay sober the rest of the day.

Anna

I'm glad you got through that. And, try to remember that those thoughts/cravings are just thoughts. If you try to take a step back from them, you will be able to let them go. They don't control you. It's great that you stayed sober last night.

Ariesagain

If you really really really wanted alcohol, you would have bought the beer...or wine...or mouthwash for that matter.

Maybe there's a little sober voice inside you that's stronger than you believe?

You can do this.

silentrun

I call that "the red zone"; when the F-it's take over and there is no stopping it. It happened to me once. You identified some of the thoughts you were having before it got to that point so you do know how to stop it from going that far. Next time reach out while you are in no danger of yet going to get alcohol. If your mind starts to associate reaching out for help instead of getting to drink with those thought patterns it will give up on them as a way to get alcohol.

Congratulations on Day 3.

SoberHoopsFan

This kind of person. During my drinking days, when I lived in a city that would sell me beer at 1 am, 2 am, whatever, I made those runs to the store, even on work nights. Looking back, it is amazing the lengths we would go to purchase alcohol, even completely against our own interests.

Look at this as a sign that this is the time you are meant to stop. The store was closed, and you didn't drink. Next time, have a plan for when those cravings hit. You can dig yourself out of this hole, as powerful as alcohol may seem. I have. Others have. You can too.

chrcarlson

I think you are under the mistaken impression that not drinking with a group of drunks makes you a loser. Who is going to drive? Who is going to be "sober" enough to steer clear of trouble? Who is going to be the loudest or silliest in the group?
Maybe it's because I'm a little older but I never minded the sober one in the group for the above reasons.

You shouldn't be around drinking so early in recovery. If you do go be the mature one and stay sober so you can take care of your girls. Loser indeed!

Dee74

How are you doing now ItsJustMe?

D

Obladi

I think that you did good. Somewhere in the back of your mind, you knew what time was and what time the liquor store closes on weekdays. At least I know those facts would be in my consciousness if I had any desire to drink.

If it were me in my drinking days, I would've bought the beer. And might have gotten myself into a world of trouble having it accessible at such a late hour.

Heck, I drank vanilla.
That was the last time I bought the bargain size at the wholesale club.

I hope tonight is better.
Each day it gets a bit easier; honest.

thomas11

I agree with you about it being powerful stuff. I put a lot of effort into making sure I had alcohol. Too much in fact. I believe it is one reason that people find it liberating when you can do without it.

MissPerfumado

Hi Itsjustme.

There is no reason to make Monday your Day 1. You could be more than a week sober come Monday and feeling good. All the reasons you've given for drinking don't really stack up as you probably know. Cleaning can be done sober, if you're having your wisdoms out your body will heal better without alcohol poisoning it, and spending Valentine's Day on your own sober if you choose to do that is absolutely emphatically not a loser's thing to do - it's a strong, admirable thing to do.

You did well not drinking. Whatever the reasons were, you managed to stay sober which is what's important. God helps those who help themselves, right? Stay on the sober road. You can do it.

Thumpalumpacus

Hiya IJM, I'm glad you got through the night sober. Close call, too close no doubt, and pointing out the lack of contingency plans. What I've been doing since I slipped for a day at the end of January is repeating to myself my morning mantra: "I am a sober person. Nothing is more import an than my sobriety. I will not drink today." I apply it when my AV pipes up, and if it's persistent, I keep repeating it.

If I'm still tempted at that point, I call my buddy Radar -- I had to do that on my new Day One -- and we talk. It sure helped me.

As for going out on Valentine's Day, please think again about not doing it. Grab a movie, some juice or mineral water, watch something funny, or come online here. Me, I'll be working, and then going back to an empty home. If you're up after midnight-thirty CST, look in the chat or shoot a PM, I'll be happy to stay sober with you.

You've got three days. Don't lose 'em!