bluedog97

I've just identified a big pitfall I face every time I've tried to get sober, and it occurred to me again today. Once I start feeling better, I almost become overly optimistic and start thinking about how much more productive and accomplished I'll be now that I've eliminated alcohol from my life. Then, this immediately reminds me of all the devastation alcohol has caused and all the woulda, coulda, shouldas. I have this overarching belief that I haven't lived up to my potential. Behind this maybe feels like some arrogance or confidence bordering on cockiness. Like, "If it weren't for alcohol, I'd have done so much with my life!" This is completely self-defeating as it leads to stinking thinking with thoughts of being a failure and lost opportunities. Then I think, it's just too much to overcome, why not just drink.

I'm sure this is some variation of alcoholic thinking. Can anyone relate to this?

nomis

Oh boy yeah. But this is one of the best benefits of sobriety and recovery. Sometimes I win now in life, and sometimes I have setbacks. But the piece of mind I get from knowing I'm doing the best I can, well it makes all the difference.

Vinificent

I feel the same way, Blue - sobriety can shine a bad light on many things we may have let go. I am trying to catch up but also try to let it go and believe that everyone has successes and the failures, even those who don't have alcohol to blame.
Our best chance at success is sober. Alcohol sure can't help.

SobrieTee

I felt EXACTLY the same way for a very long time. Even after I got sober, I didn't do much with my life for a while because I just figured I had already messed up too badly - why try to fix it? Then one day it hit me - I can't fix everything about the past, and my life will forever be changed because of alcohol. But what I CAN do is work on building a better life for myself now. After all, I didn't get sober so I could sit around my mom's house all day, unemployed, feeling sorry for myself. If that were true, then yea, why not go back to drinking? So I started working on my health, applying for jobs, etc. I recently found a new job and I'm taking steps to take the attorney bar exam in the state I moved to. I'm saving money. I'm training for a marathon. I may be a long way off from where I could be right now if not for alcohol, but it's not about that anymore. Thinking that way will only keep me down, and frankly it's pointless because unless someone builds a time machine, I have to accept my reality. It's about improving my life one day at a time until I get where I want to go.

least

But it's NOT too much to overcome. I am proof that sober is better. My life was a mess while I was drinking.

I like my life a lot more now that I'm sober.

Anna

It's not too much to overcome and you can move ahead and be as productive as you can. Try to be accepting of yourself. You are exactly where you should be at this moment.

Dallow

I am struggling with the same thing, bluedog. I think it's probably the hardest part of getting sober. Just stopping drinking is the easy part.

Then comes all the "what did I do with my life!?!". It is hard, but I am trying to stay positive. Althought there are many failures, many missed oppertunities, many times I made a fool of myself and worse.

But if I keep drinking, it will get worse. There is no telling how bad it could get. I am telling myself that during the circumstances, there will never be a point where this will be easier to deal with this than NOW. Should have been done ages ago, but it's time to face the facts.

Notimetoloose

If you are sober today, then today is now your tomorrow...no more new alcoholic regrets!
.....and we don't have to overcome the past in one big bite.
Just by being sober and engaged in our life a lot of stuff will resolve itself as the days and months pass.
I found the longer I stayed sober the less I engaged in the 'stinking thinking.'
It is still there occasionally but it is different, for the most part, I tend to try to work through problems ( if I can!) instead of catastrophizing or denying them....

Dee74

I've said this many times but I've done more with the last eight years than I did in the previous twenty.

we can't change the past - and we have to be careful we don't miss any of our todays because we're facing the wrong way.

look forward

It's never too late to start a new chapter and write a new end to your story

D

Delilah1

Absolutely! I have fallen into complacency because I felt I was fine and could handle a few drinks. I am reading a good memoir right now called "Mrs. D is Going Without," and it addresses some of these thoughts.

mns1

I love what Anna said

Soberpotamus

I can relate.

But I've found the reality is that I can't go back and do things differently, and if I drink again, I'll certainly stall progress and will ignite kindling.

The reality is that today is all I have. I'm left with a specific number of days (and I don't want to know the number!), and by staying sober, I give myself the chance to do and be whatever it is I can.

bluedog97

I guess it's about the journey and not the destination. My whole life I've done everything as a means to an end. It's a big part of my problem - I see everything as success or failure. If I'm not where I want to be, I've failed. It's a big hurdle.

Thanks for the responses everyone, always good to get others' perspective.

SoberLife90

The past is gone! At least you have today!

Steely

How can you fail if you are sober? It's a contradiction in terms if you have a serious problem with alcohol. You win on Day 1.

Thumpalumpacus

I often get bummed out by the opportunities I blew or missed because of my drinking. I've found that when I'm mulling over the past and entertaining regrets, being more mindful -- observing the thought process in action, and changing those that are deleterious -- is a very useful tool.

bigsombrero

You can analyze your thinking until the cows come home - but what will you ever figure out? What conclusion will come your way?

I found that the more I tried to analyze my drinking habits and trends...the more I lost sight of the new life in front of me. I'm certainly not the type to say "don't think", as I do believe that it's important to know one's self.

But try to stop identifying with your "Drinking Self". You'll get stuck on spin cycle all over again. It's especially crucial to focus on the NEW you, waiting to be unwrapped. Why not take your "Sober Self" out of the box, and see what makes that person tick? It's scary because it's unknown - but it's time to move on. Stop holding vigil for your alcoholism, and start exploring the new frontiers that await. Start now.

fantail

I think this is a common trait amongst alcoholics... the all-or-nothing thinking. I still struggle with it in other ways, but yes it definitely defeated my sobriety multiple times in the way you're describing.

I had to very deliberately force myself not to think too far into the future or at ALL into the past for the first bit (looking back now I couldn't say how long, maybe the first 3 months). Stop myself short the way I used to stop short of thinking of consequences. Meditation helped me with this a lot, but in general it was noticing when I was thinking that way and pulling myself back into the present. A lot of times the feeling wouldn't go away that easily, but I'd refuse to attach it to any thoughts of the future or past. I'm not describing it very well but that helped me break the cycle.

Eventually as I started actually accomplishing things here and now I started to lose my regrets. You sound like an ambitious person, so I think the same will happen to you if you can hold on through the early stages.

Rcvringaddict30

I TOTALLY relate! I'm new to sobriety, on day twelve and I run the whole gamut of emotions daily, with regret and bitterness being two major emotions. Just today, as I sat poolside at my parents community pool on vacation in Fl, instead of being grateful to be by a pool in the sun, I was busy envying a couple around my age with 2 beautiful small children, happily interacting. All I could think was, "why the $&@% isn't that me?? Why do they get that life and I don't?! It's so unfair!!" I realized that had it not been for my disease, maybe I'd still be married, maybe I'd find a loving partner and have beautiful babies. And the list goes on. It all overwhelmed me and made me feel like everything is too late now so why bother? But I realize this is 'stinking thinking' (too funny, I just used that yesterday!!)and it doesn't have to be the end for me or you. Maybe we can't have all the things we once hoped to have, but from what ppl are saying, it looks like there's a whole new life out there we can obtain if we keep the faith and keep moving forward. You are sooo not alone my friend. Stay strong and I'll try to do the same!

Soberwolf

I trust D's advice 5000%