vendetta

Hungover AGAIN! But I'm up before the crack of dawn. I won't be late. Guess if you're gonna be dumb you gotta be tough. I honestly don't wanna even post anything. But I'm gonna. No doubt this forum is tired of hearing it. But also no doubt alot have been in this place before. That sponsor called me back last night. I called him when I got off work but he didn't answer. Wouldn't have mattered I wasn't ready. Our talk was short cause I didn't wanna talk while drinking. I can tell he really cares and understands. He's trying his ass off to get me to meet with him.

Anyway it would be easy to not take the time to post on here just get through another work day to get to drink some more. But I refuse to give up. I'm still holding a job and still dating some cause of my own will to survive. Nobody could pour this much alcohol into their body over the years and continue to function if they didn't have a strong spirit and wasn't stubborn and tough. I reckon it's a matter of refocusing that strength to where it does some good.

I'm not giving up. The devil can pull me down. The alcohol can make me pull myself down. But the real me is in here somewhere. Hell the real me is the only reason I'm still trying. I will succeed. I don't care how many Day 1 posts I have to make eventually one will be my last. Maybe this one. Losing hope and will is like losing the war. But I have many more battles left in me. This is a war of attrition.

Per Google:
Attrition warfare is a military strategy in which a belligerent attempts to win a war by wearing down the enemy to the point of collapse through continuous losses in personnel and materiel. The war will usually be won by the side with greater such resources.

Alcohol is by itself. I have more personnel (including this forum) and I have more resources. So I guess let today's battle begin.

Dee74

Use all those resources you have Vendetta - I'd even push myself a little right now - try things you're not really keen on like AA etc and consider things in your day to day life you can change to best reflect your desire to be sober.

Recovery needs to be paramount, and the more firepower you can bring to your recovery the better really.

D

JD

D said out all. But I want to say kudos to you for not giving up. That's not ready to do.

SoberinSyracuse

It's better to try again than to not try again, that's for sure. But, obviously, you need to switch up your approach because it doesn't seem to be getting the job done.

Have you analyzed when and where the drinking starts each day? Most people seem to have a "drinking schedule" or pattern. I recommend taking your start time and drinking hours, and filling them up with something else. And I do mean ANYTHING else, even if it doesn't seem appealing. Do that for a week, and odds are very good alcohol will have less of a grip on you.

If you drink at home, don't be at home. If you drink with a lover, don't see them, at least not during drinking hours. Drink so much water and eat so much food that you run out of room in your stomach. Go to an AA meeting during drinking hours (just to fill the time) and then do your laundry in a laundromat. Go sit in the library and read books or watch YouTube videos about the benefits of not drinking. Once home, go directly to bed.

You get the idea. That's what I suggest trying.

Jsbodhi

I was a serial relapser too.
You can totally do it, I suggest you read here all night, read everything, then go on google and read more stuff.
Get as educated as you can about alcoholism- that massively helped me.
And join the weekender thread! Its a really cool spot to hang out- I hope I see you there.
Just jump in and talk about whatever- theres no rule or topic. Xo

Soberwolf

Hi V how are you feeling now

2muchpain

I think it's great that you keep posting. I think for many people, it takes many day 1's to finally get there, but I have a few questions/comments regarding your post.
First, you said alcohol is by itself, and you have the resources to win the battle. I think that is a half truth. Yes you have the resources, but maybe you are underestimating the power of alcohol, but I could be wrong. IMHO, alcohol has many resources. It's called life. It finds all kinds of ways to get someone to keep on drinking.
Also, when you speak of winning the war on attrition, are your referring to wearing alcohol down where it has nothing left to fight with? Not sure if that's ever true IMO.
I hope you continue to gather as many resources you can because the beast is always finding new ways (resources) to wear you out.
Hope this is your last day one. I don't think anybody knows how many battles they have left in them. Make this your last one. Good luck. John

PurpleKnight

Go at things again Vendetta and change up your plan, you can do this!!

Delilah1

Glad you aren't giving up, it is not easy, but you can do it. I know I have had to be really on top of my plan, when I have gotten lax in the past I have fallen back into the "I can have one drink..." And I am sure you know where that went.

Try logging on here if you are having any thoughts of drinking, lots of people will jump in for support. Also, there may be some outside supports.

vendetta

Back to Day 0. I got drunk and didn't even realize when I opened the fridge this evening there would be about 8 beers looking back at me. I just figured I drank them all.

But I am changing things up. I did call a sponsor when I got out of work and he talked to me from work to home. I didn't stop and buy more even though I thought I was out of beer. Tomorrow right after work I'm meeting a guy from AA and his sponsor for coffee and a short introduction. I really had a hard time saying yes. But I did.

It sucks I was looking forward to watching Vikings on amazon and painting tonight sober. But I I'm doing it with a buzz now.

Marcher13

Vendetta when I was drinking I knew down to the last drop how much was in the bottles in the fridge and how much was in the cupboard. Maybe you don't remember things like the eight beers still in the fridge but your AV does.

I'm pretty sure I urged you once before to get over the embarrassment and tell your local liquor store staff not to serve you. Sure you could go somewhere else but it would at least be a reminder that you have decided not to drink.

I'd also urge you not to expect that there will be more day ones, that's almost like giving yourself permission to drink and try again, you need to take "take alcohol off the table" once and for all with the firm conviction that there will be no other Day One other than today.

Your plan needs to encompass not buying alcohol, not bringing alcohol home and not going out to it. There is no reason that today can't be the very last day alcohol is in your life.

Twelve hours between a decision to not drink and drinking again is a pretty short time, I think you need more support now, be that AA or anything else.

Anna

I hope you continue to keep changing things up until this works for you.

vendetta

I will never give up. I'm going tomorrow to meet with these guys. I also called back my customer who got me in touch with them. Yes my customer . BIG ONE FROM WORK. He is such a Great person. I don't care how many times I've asked for advice and you all have told me to keep it out of work. He respects me and has got me in contact with so much help. This is our war and just as I'm sure you all know it's about me being honest and getting better. I will no longer be timid. I will no longer lay down. Im collecting my resources. I'm not inferior because I have a alcohol problem. Ive been more honest with my parents about what I need right now. I will not lose. I've never felt the support I have right now. It so freaking ironic that everybody has told me I have to do this for myself.. no maybe one day I will but for right now I won't and if anybody doesn't like they can kiss my ass. Its time for me to stand up for myself and what I believe in. I believe in me 0%. But I have honor. And I've probably misrepresented myself because of the alcohol but on here. But I am me and that's all I can be and I've gained friends because yes I'm an alcoholic but I'm a pretty freaking good guy. I said this was a war of attrition. My resources are greater than I could imagine. I will do it for my friends. Not for me and that's just how I work for now.

SoberinSyracuse

I used to get defensive when I drank and charge at windmills. It took a lot of energy. Get some good rest tonight.

vendetta

I'm not defensive.

Shantilove

You can do it V, I'm glad to hear your not giving up. You can do this! X

SoberInCLE

You can do this if you really want to. Try Dee's advice. Good luck!

2muchpain

Well, you sound pretty angry about something. Not sure what anybody that has posted that could cause you to feel that way, but everybody sees things differently.
Just try to remember everybody here is on your side and is only trying to help. I have a feeling that after you've had some sober time, you'll see things differently. John