secretchord

I still struggle with denial. When I hear people tell their stories all I can hear is how much of a problem I DONT have. I only hear what I want to. This would be much easier for me if something bad happened. If I got that one DWI,I'd know for sure I was an alcoholic. Me, an alcoholic? I never even blacked out. I had rules. I never drank before 1:00. I drank dry wine so I didn't guzzle. I planned out my drinking ritual a week ahead of time so I wouldn't go overboard.

Money never became a problem because my hubby worked in liquor sales. Wine at cost. Lucky me. I had it made. I had neighbors with wineries and vineyards galore, the best of everything. Free wine everywhere. I pick the grapes, they pour me wine. I was the official wine taster, the guru of the vines. Hell, she even named one of her best wines after me. I haven't heard from her in three months.

My job is stressful. But I love it. And I'm good at it. Working for lawyers is what I do. I love the work. I love the fast pace. I've always excelled at my work. Never came to work drunk. Never called in sick after a night out. No one knew I had a hidden obsession. My coworkers, bosses and I would frequent happy hours once or twice a week. It became a normal weekly routine to slam three drinks in 45 minutes at happy hour, even with the city attorney himself. We all drove home buzzed and come Monday continued on with prosecution of those pesky repeat DWI offenders. But It was okay. This was normal. right?

This was my life three months ago. And here I am today still doing the dance of denial. When will I stop trying to convince myself I don't have a problem? How can I look back at all that I haven't done and accept that I have a problem that could have been a much bigger problem? I was lucky I never got caught. Or was I?

mav

I know you're speaking rhetorically but you don't need to wish for something bad or a DWI or anything to accept you're an alcoholic. The fact you're here is a pretty sign in itself.

If it makes you feel any better, I'm pretty much the same. "High-functioning"*... good job, wife, kids, family, house, loving upbringing, nothing seriously bad has resulted from my drinking (except the usual drunken idiocy and whatever). I'm very "fortunate".

But I'm still an alcoholic.

I suppose look at it another way - would you rather be here in 6 months - sober still in a good position where nothing seriously bad has happened... or on day 1 after you've just had some awful event or health issues or anything? I think I know what I'd prefer.

Sounds to me like the AV is busting your balls... it's on you to tell it to do one.

* I no longer believe in high-functioning alcoholism. If I was high-functioning whilst drinking, I'm off the charts now I'm not drinking.

MIRecovery

Where so many of us error is we think alcoholism is a destination. Alcoholism is a chronic and progressive disease. The only difference between you and the guy under the bridge is where on the continuum you find yourself. A person can have diabetes and appear complete normal and eat a very unhealthy diet. Just because they have not lost their eye sight or had organ failure does not mean they are not diabetic it just means the disease has not progressed that far.

We can choose to get off the alcohol elevator on any floor we want or we can choose to ride it all the way down to our own personal hell or as happens most often death.

You drive drunk 1-2 times a week. I would say a prayer to yourself that should you be involved in an accident that the only person you injure is yourself

SoberinSyracuse

I called myself "high functioning" all the way to the bitter end of my drinking career. Basically "high functioning" just meant "not busted yet."

You're right in that it can easily feed denial. "Hey, I've never been arrested so...." The thing is, you can read these forums and see LOTS of people with multiple arrests who are STILL trying to figure out how to save their marriage to alcohol. Once that denying voice runs out of "high functioning" excuses, it'll just come up with new ones. "Thank God that taught me a lesson about mixing vodka and wine before driving so I'll never mix again before getting behind the wheel."

And besides, since you're obviously a smart and successful person, with a challenging calling in life that you love, why settle for "high functioning" when you can be kicking a** instead? :-)

That's one of the arguments I used with myself. "Self, you have a mission that you're great at and you love it. Why are you settling?"

secretchord

You are all absolutely right. Denial is such a mind trap. As soon as I feel like I'm past it, I'm back to square one, rationalizing, reasoning with AV. I get so stuck in my head.

Soberwolf

The first line I really commend you for you said 'I struggle with denial' that's not only great awareness but its also the answer to your problem

Do you really want to live in denial ? since you have posted, I know you don't, again I'm really commending you

I think you want sobriety but your a bit scared afraid of what happens so for now hang out here regularly I'm sure you have resonated with something someone has said here before plus you know this community will always have your bk

breath

Me High Functioning:




Me thinking back to then, nearly 5 years ago:




We can rationalize anything when in the disease "high functioning" was the label we assigned to our denial.

FreeOwl

Actually, no. It wouldn't.

It's an understandable thought, but its just not accurate. A DUI or something terrible doesn't make it easier. In fact, in my experience two and nearly three DUIs don't make it easier. And it STILL won't convince you you're an alcoholic - especially if you are.

least

Please don't tempt fate. The 'something bad' that you think you need to quit might be something so damaging you can't undo it. Quit now, while you're still ahead.

Dee74

You have a great opportunity to get out of the hole now and not lose too much secretchord.

I'm sure I'm not the only one here who wishes he'd taken that opportunity...y'know?

D

secretchord

When does it get better? When will I not feel so weird about not drinking? Will I ever be comfortable around people drinking? I miss my friends.

StayStrong33

I was high functioning as well. What helped me see how I was different was that my non-alcoholic friends didn't debate in their heads whether they were alcoholics or not. That difference alone can qualify you regardless of consequences.

It will take time for you to get used to a new way of living. Once you begin replacing bad drinking habits with new healthy ones, you'll feel so much more comfortable. Are you working a recovery program?

least

It took me between six months to a year before I felt truly comfortable with myself as a non drinker. By six months I felt good, but still needed to grow into my sober life.

What helped me the most was practicing gratitude every day. It was hard at first cause I was so depressed I didn't feel gratitude for anything. But I made myself find something to be grateful for every day. And it became a habit. And the more I expressed my gratitude, the more there was to be grateful for. It changed my whole perspective from negative to positive.

HollyWouldnt

Wow can I relate.
My job is to care for people and keep them alive. Very high stress job that I love so much.
Yet many times a week I would blow off steam (aka get drunk) after work and drive home blind drunk.
But I never hit rock bottom!!
Or had I? Was it not rock bottom taking my and every person's life on the the road into my own hands, diving with one eye closed? Was it not rock bottom knowing I would lose my professional licensure if I got pulled over?
Was it not rock bottom that my husband would be hurt professionally if it happened in our town?
How about the fact that I'm trying to impress upon two sons how substances are ruining their lives?
I've been to the bottom. I just couldn't focus on it.
Holly.🎋

Dee74

I had to let a lot of my friends go because they were alcoholics too.

Like least says it took much of the first year foir me to rebuilkd my life, find out who sober me was, make some new friends and reconnect with some old ones where the basis of the friendship was not drinking.

If the thought of a year horrifies you, it's probably the AV pressing the fear button.

I gave 20 years to drinking...one year to sort myself out was a pretty sweet deal for me

D

Dee74

and PS...that doesn;t mean you have to sit around your house scared to go out for a year...I did lots of things - volunteering, coffee dates, movies, hobbies - juts not anything were the focus was alcohol.

Now I can go anywhere with anyone...but I needed to build up those sober muscles first.

D

Thumpalumpacus

I fooled myself for a lng time pointing to my good job with a lot of responsibility, my clean record, my ability to "control" my drinking.

I understand why the word denial is used to describe this state of mind, but where I'm at in my new-found recovery, I prefer to simply think of it as dishonesty, because that's what it became for me, when I knew the ugly truth but still rationalized it.

breath

I'm not advocating AA, but felt this quote would maybe answer, or at least clarify your question "When does it get better? When will I not feel so weird about not drinking?"

Page 417 Acceptance
A.A. Big Book –

Until I could accept my alcoholism, I could not stay sober; unless I accept my life completely on life's terms, I cannot be happy. I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be changed in me and in my attitudes