ItsJustMe89

I am a nightly drinker. My drink of choice started as box white wine, grew to prefer box red wine, started making more money so I started buying bottles of red instead of the box.. then I wanted a bit more bang for my buck so I started drinking port wine. Which is gross really. Way too sweet and sticky but it has slightly higher alcohol content. In time, my drink of choice became Captain Morgan and diet coke. Whats not to love... better buzz, tastes less sugary, and possibly less calories! It didn't stop there. Now, and for a long time now, my drink of choice is the Captain Morgan 100 proof Spiced Rum and diet coke. Because you know, 35% alcohol just isn't as good as 50%. And that is where I am now, and it is what I drink on a nightly basis.

I first tried to get sober about a year and a half ago. It took me a long time to get sober. I would go a few days, drink, start over, decide that if I drink I wont set myself back that far since I only have a few days, so I would drink and start over again and again. Finally, on Feb. 10 2015, I got sober... and I stayed sober for 87 days! Relapsed on day 87. I was worried about my job security, I wasn't going to as many meeting, I thought I could trust myself to just go home and not drink whereas in the beginning I knew I couldn't trust myself at night. My best sober friend was becoming much less available and we were spending a lot less time together then we used to and I didn't know why. I felt like my sponsor didn't spend enough time with me and that she favored her other sponsee who had recently relapsed right before her 2 year sober birthday. I talked to that person on the phone while she was drinking and I was jealous that she got to go out and drink and sounded like she was having so much fun and I didn't really want to get my 90 day chip. I wanted to go drink with her. So I did.

I've been drinking daily for about 9 months now. And just recently I started seriously thinking about getting back into a program and getting sober again. Thinking about what meetings I could fit into my schedule, where I would fit my "reaching out" AA phone calls into my work day, sober activities I would not mind filling my time with, reading on SR ect. I guess thinking about it has to be the first step to making a change. The next is taking the action.

I don't want to quit cold turkey. I didn't the first time around and I know I wont be able to this time around either. But while I am thinking and mentally preparing to quit, I need to be going to meeting and reaching out to others because I know that when I do start trying to stay sober, I will need people I can reach out to. I will have no chance without support from others.

I keep wondering what, if anything, will be different this time then it was last time. If I couldn't stay sober then, what makes me think I will stay sober the next time?

I know that a major hang up for me last time was not being able to believe and accept in my deep down heart of hearts that I was a "real" alcoholic. Like maybe I drink more then I should but I'm not an ALCOHOLIC! Or maybe, in trying to correct my drinking, I OVER CORRECTED and labeled myself alcoholic when I actually hadn't reached that point yet. This is the only disease that tricks you into thinking that you don't have it. My second biggest barrier last time around was not being willing to tell my family about my problem and what I was doing to try to fix it. I didn't want to go and tell my parents, grandparents, and brother that I am an alcoholic and I'm going to AA and I have been sober now for X amount of time... because if I decided to abandon ship and go back to drinking, I didn't want to feel like I had to explain myself, feel guilty, get lectures, or feel judged. I wanted them to treat me like they would treat any other guest on holidays. I wanted them to offer me a drink and I would decline and ask for a diet coke instead. But if I told them I'm an alcoholic, they would not even offer me a drink. I didn't want to feel like I WAS'NT ALLOWED. I wanted to feel like I was making the choice not to.

But getting sober and being in recovery means becoming honest with myself and others. Becoming transparent and not being a chameleon who is a slightly different person depending on which group of people I am socializing with at the moment.

I guess I know that if I am going to try again, I need to go back accepting that I am, without a doubt, an alcoholic. I need to be willing to be honest and open with the people who are important in my life and tell them about my struggle with alcoholism. And if I do stay sober long enough to start feeling like I don't need to go to a meeting to be able to trust myself to make it threw the night without a drink, that is a warning sign. A sign that what I really need is to step up the amount of meeting I am going to and to reach out even more.

Its great to know all of this. But it does no good if I don't take the action. An action step is required to move forward because if nothing changes, nothing changes.

Im sorry for my long winded post. I just wanted to share where I am right now, see if anyone can relate to my situation, and hear any advise you might have.

mecanix

am i an alcoholic ? hmm i guess that is up to ourselves to answer . i think i was as alcohol played the centre stage in my life it was an obsession .

I certainly had a drinking problem that would have / will have if i went back fatal and life threatening consequences .

I tried moderation and ended up drinking deadly amounts of alcohol again .

the only answer for me was to quit and stay quit , if i'm sober forever i need never ask myself if i'm an alcoholic , i'm a sober person who doesn't drink and needs to work out how to deal with the up's and down's of life soberly rather than semantics .

Do yourself a favour , quit , stay quit , don't go back as it's the pits and will kill you .

m

Dee74

I'm glad you made it back itsjustme - many don't.

Don't get too caught up in the label - if you can say to yourself honestly that your life will improve if you stop drinking, then it sounds like it's time to quit.

And don't put it off...if you deserve better, why wait?

If you're concerned about withdrawal make an appointment with your Dr tomorrow and get this ball rolling

D

Soberwolf

I concur with what D & Mecanix said

SoberinSyracuse

That label "alcoholic" trips a lot of people up. Why not put that aside? That way, your vacillating thoughts about the label can't affect your progress toward sobriety.

You see clearly that there's a problem, and that it's getting worse. When dirty dishes pile up in the sink higher and higher, how long do you spend coming up with the correct "label" for the problem? You don't. You just dive in and solve it.

You ask since you failed before, what will be different this time to make it likely you'll succeed? That's up to you. You're the expert on why the previous attempt didn't work. Analyze that failure, and build a new and more detailed plan that will prevent the same causes from messing you up again. It's going to be very personalized to exactly what tripped you. For instance, you were seduced by the sound of someone drinking and having fun. So that's something you'll want to avoid like the plague.

As for quitting cold turkey... I think it's not only okay but often VERY WISE not to do that. Especially since you're into some pretty hard stuff nowadays. It's dangerous. I had a seizure myself. The risk is real. Talk to your doctor or a detox facility for advice. Really. Please do that.

I took a few weeks of "prep time" before my quit date. Use your prep time to get your plan in place and resources lined up. Since AA isn't an infallible resource and an AA connection even triggered your relapse, get a few more backup support resources in place.

As for telling your family, I suggest only telling people who will be supportive in a healthy way which would never involve shaming or judgment. Only three people know I have a problem with alcohol, and no relatives.

Between now and your quit date, post here daily about the steps you're taking to stand up your plan and prepare. Expect to have to explain repeatedly that you're following a systematic approach to a defined quit date and not just avoiding it for a little while longer to enjoy a few more binges.

As part of your plan, include that you will post here the next time you are feeling the urge and give the thread a clear and urgent title: Strong Cravings Right Now Please Help or something like that. People will pile on to get you through it!

So...when is your quit date?

least

I hope you are successful this time.

Ariesagain

Labels don't matter, results do.

I let myself off the hook on that issue for years. I was never about quantity (one beer and the better part of a bottle of wine a night at my worst) but, oh, was I consistent. Around 2 p.m. I'd start getting antsy, looking at the clock. And then wine at 5:00 became 4:00, because, you know, time change...and then I'd wake up sweaty at 3:15 a.m. every night and my mental demons would discuss what a piece of crap I was until dawn.

It's an old saying, but if you are an alcoholic you shouldn't drink and if you aren't you shouldn't need to. But I needed to.

You?

Ruby2

The one thing I thought was "entitlement." You were upset that the other sponsee could drink and you couldn't. Oh, I've been there too often to count. "He can drink, why can't I?"

My husband is an alcoholic who currently is "out". There have been so many nights I've wanted to drink because he's drinking, why shouldn't I? Of course, I overlook the fact that his drinking isn't making him happy and he looks and feels like crap for several days after. That I spent my days and nights feeling awful when I was drinking and I was miserable.

Get that support in place! Come here early and often. You can do this.