Natom

So I got home today and found out that my housemate has thrown away a very expensive package that contained some semi-legal prescribed opiate painkillers. I then found out she had messaged both of my parents on facebook and told them I was using and in debt again.

I didn't even get angry. Whilst I am a tad pissed off that my housemate told my parents I'm not all that bothered. I had a chat with my dad and told him I'm ok. What I really wanted to say is that I am NOT OK. I'm done with this.

I had 18 months clean time before January 2014 and have been using off and on since then. I got into debt again (although I am paying this back monthly with the help of a charity) and I am miserable. I have been for the last year.

I've been blaming circumstances and people but really it's just me. It's me and my own head. It's the drug, my addiction to them and just the way I live my life. I keep dreaming of when things will be ok but I can't even see myself sliding further down a rocky slope. I've thought about killing myself to end everything but I couldn't do it. I don't think I ever would. Purely because I don't want too.

So today I am handing in the towel. I'm done with this. So so done with it. I'm gonna stay clean this time and I'm gonna sort my life out. #Endrant.

SillyHuman

Natom, welcome back. We are all pulling for you.

JohnQPublic

Best of luck with your work on sobriety. We are all pulling for you. Lean on this site for support. I find that the reading I do here, even some things I do not necessarily agree with totally, really help me remain sober. John

Jeni26

Good to have you back with us Tom x

Natom

Guess who's back. Back again. Tom is back, dun dun dun.

Carlotta

Glad you are back and that you are not upset at your roommate. She might have overstepped some boundaries but she is showing herself to be a real friend and for all we know, she might have saved your life.

You ve done it before so you can do it again

Natom

She has overstepped some MAJOR BOUNDARIES. Thing is if you spoke to me I would have lied to her. So what she did was put some more stress on my parents already stress filled plate about a week before my dads birthday and when they are going on holiday. I'm sure I will forgive her in time, either that or cop a massive resentment that I never let go off.

least

Glad you're back and giving recovery another go.

Dee74

so..you know whats coming Tom...whats the plan?

D

Hawkeye13

What she did worked in that you didn't get a chance to lie and
now you have some accountability w/ your parents knowing.

You want to reduce their stress? Stay clean for good from now on.
Wishing you every success Tom

Hevyn

Glad you came here to talk things over, Tom. You know we care about you and want to help.

Anna

Tom, it sounds like you are ready to make the changes in your life that you need. I hope you continue to post and let us know how you're doing.

Coldfusion

I'm glad you're back, Tom!

soberclover

It's very nice to see you again

PurpleKnight

You can do this Tom!!

Sunflowerlife

Glad you are here Tom!

MIRecovery

Welcome back. You have done what addicts do.

When we admit to our inner most selves that mind altering substances never have and never will work for us. When we are totally defeated the healing can start.

Berrybean

Well, I suppose that's up to you. It will ultimately depend on how much you really want to take accountability and recover, or apportion blame and stay sick.

What were the boundaries that she crossed? Were there really boundaries that said that as a friend, she would sit back and watch you slowly kill yourself? If so, they were pretty rubbish boundaries to honour. Sounds like she thought your life and happiness is worth more than an easy life.

Besides - weren't you breaking boundaries by having semi-legal drugs and using in HER home?

Whatever - anger and self-pity doesn't get and of us well any time soon. We can nurse and cherish it if we like, but as I've found out to my detriment, the old adage about resentments being like trying to kill someone by drinking poison myself was very accurate.

Good luck with your recovery. What's your plan?

MythOfSisyphus

I'm glad you're back Tom, and ready to get clean for good.

Natom

I came home a couple of days later. I was going through withdrawals. I was in agony. My housemate, the one who threw my pills, was having a full on panic attack. This isn't unusual for her. She phoned me in the car, saying I probably didn't want to speak to her. I didn't.

I got home and sorted her out. Made sure she was OK. Calmed her down. She hadn't thrown my drugs. She gave me most of them bar some she claimed for herself. I'm using them. I'm off to meeting or two tomorrow in between seeing my parents. I know I need help.

I'm under so much stress and pressure that I'm using to escape. I never used to escape before. At least not consciously. This time I'm doing it for an out.