Can't do this alone
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2015
Location: Northern CA
Posts: 11
Can't do this alone
though not for a want of trying. In tears again this morning, I’ve been drinking for more than a month and feel unsteady, full of dread and sorrow.
A little history: Three years ago I was in a bad place, addicted to medications prescribed for a chronic condition and drinking. I was in my early-50s and had spent decades “managing” my alcohol consumption. I had never been physically dependent on a drug before the pill addiction and was frightened. I put a plan together for 2013: quit drinking, started an antidepressant, tapered off the meds and was very proud of my success but didn’t share the process with anyone: I was embarrassed it was necessary and wanted to move on as quickly as possible. I started drinking again that summer (2013). Since then, I have stopped often, usually for 6-12 week stretches, but always convince myself to start again. I don’t even have the illusion that I will be able to moderate, (I actually dislike the feeling of one or two glasses of wine and would prefer not to drink at all then to limit), but will convince myself that the binge-abstinence cycle is ok. I “know” it’s not. I’ve spent enough days not drinking to know what damage overdrinking does to my body and psyche. I have teenaged kids and it kills me to know they’ve seen me intoxicated. I’m ACOA and swore I’d never subject my kids to a drunk parent. My sweet husband deserves a better partner: we’re facing some transitions and challenges in our life and I need to be present and strong.
I started working with a therapist in June, she keeps encouraging me to find day-to-day support and I don’t really understand why I resist, perhaps it’s some kind of shame/denial thing? So I’m here, asking for your help, because I have to keep trying. Thank you all for sharing your stories, they are a lifeline.
A little history: Three years ago I was in a bad place, addicted to medications prescribed for a chronic condition and drinking. I was in my early-50s and had spent decades “managing” my alcohol consumption. I had never been physically dependent on a drug before the pill addiction and was frightened. I put a plan together for 2013: quit drinking, started an antidepressant, tapered off the meds and was very proud of my success but didn’t share the process with anyone: I was embarrassed it was necessary and wanted to move on as quickly as possible. I started drinking again that summer (2013). Since then, I have stopped often, usually for 6-12 week stretches, but always convince myself to start again. I don’t even have the illusion that I will be able to moderate, (I actually dislike the feeling of one or two glasses of wine and would prefer not to drink at all then to limit), but will convince myself that the binge-abstinence cycle is ok. I “know” it’s not. I’ve spent enough days not drinking to know what damage overdrinking does to my body and psyche. I have teenaged kids and it kills me to know they’ve seen me intoxicated. I’m ACOA and swore I’d never subject my kids to a drunk parent. My sweet husband deserves a better partner: we’re facing some transitions and challenges in our life and I need to be present and strong.
I started working with a therapist in June, she keeps encouraging me to find day-to-day support and I don’t really understand why I resist, perhaps it’s some kind of shame/denial thing? So I’m here, asking for your help, because I have to keep trying. Thank you all for sharing your stories, they are a lifeline.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,513
You've definitely come to a great place for support and information. I'm glad you found us. I also agree with you that stopping drinking is far easier than attempting (and failing) at moderation. I wasted a year doing that.
I hope the support here can help you get sober for good. 
Member
Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 2,580
Hello & welcome. I can relate to your hesitancy about group support.
Around the time I quit, I had a lot of shame and denial, and didn't want other people to know I had developed a problem. But I went ahead and told people, first saying it out loud in an AA meeting, then my closest friends/family.
What I see looking back, is that the part of me that wanted to keep it a secret is the part of me that wanted to keep drinking & using painkillers -- which I now think of as my "addicted self". The part that was willing to say it out loud was the part of me that wanted to be sober.
It's a very powerful weapon against addiction to speak my problem out loud, especially to other people who understand it. Letting the cat out of the bag makes it harder to go back and drink/use, at least it did for me. Connecting with other people who are committing to not drinking also strengthens that part of me that wants to stop.
If what you've been doing isn't working, maybe consider trying something different? Depending where you are in northern CA there is not only AA, but also Lifering and SMART meetings.
And please keep posting here! We want to hear how you're doing.
Around the time I quit, I had a lot of shame and denial, and didn't want other people to know I had developed a problem. But I went ahead and told people, first saying it out loud in an AA meeting, then my closest friends/family.
What I see looking back, is that the part of me that wanted to keep it a secret is the part of me that wanted to keep drinking & using painkillers -- which I now think of as my "addicted self". The part that was willing to say it out loud was the part of me that wanted to be sober.
It's a very powerful weapon against addiction to speak my problem out loud, especially to other people who understand it. Letting the cat out of the bag makes it harder to go back and drink/use, at least it did for me. Connecting with other people who are committing to not drinking also strengthens that part of me that wants to stop.
If what you've been doing isn't working, maybe consider trying something different? Depending where you are in northern CA there is not only AA, but also Lifering and SMART meetings.
And please keep posting here! We want to hear how you're doing.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2015
Location: Northern CA
Posts: 11
Tursiops, I think there is a lot of truth in what you say about leaving the door open to drink again and I really like your description of the sober-telling vs addicted- quiet self. This helps me understand why I've resisted posting on SR or attending meetings even when I think I'm committed to not drinking, thank you!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Ma
Posts: 3,553
I was in the same rut like your experiencing now 2 1/2 years ago.
Finally had to admit that I can never drink again, and learn to live with that fact. Nothing worth while is never easy.
But you can do it.
This site helps a lot. There's always somebody here to talk with when those ole cravings come.
Welcome to SR.
Finally had to admit that I can never drink again, and learn to live with that fact. Nothing worth while is never easy.
But you can do it.
This site helps a lot. There's always somebody here to talk with when those ole cravings come.
Welcome to SR.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
