Not in recovery....just in acceptance
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2015
Posts: 2
Not in recovery....just in acceptance
My husband is going to leave me. I see it in his eyes. Not for another woman, not for a better opportunity, simply because I’m not worth his efforts anymore. The pain I feel is indescribable. I love him so deeply, yet I cannot let go of the addiction.
Yes, alcohol has trumped all reason in my mind. I envision myself happy and healthy, living this 50’s dream of Mom and Dad with 2 1/2 respectful, happy, healthy children. What I wake up to is the disgusted look of my husband while I hand my head over the toilet hoping I can fake my way through another day at work.
He wakes early to get this kids off of to school. By mutual unsaid agreement, I’m too much of a **** up to handle this. It’s better this way anyhow. While he sends them off with unbrushed teeth and wrinkled clothing, I’d likely send them off in pajamas with destroyed self esteem. You see, I can do that in a matter of seconds…..take a bright, brilliant child with the world in their hands, and break them down to nothing in seconds.
This isn’t a talent…it’s what I’ve got in my tool box. It’s how my father and mother coped with us, and I don’t know any different. Take that back, I do “know” different, because I’ve seen my husband do it. I just can’t do different.
When he leaves, my world will crumble to nothing. He’s all I’ve got left that tethers me to a sense of normalcy. Sometimes I wonder if I should just go…sign over my rights and give my kids a chance to see what life could be like without a drunken parent. But I’m selfish. I want to see them grow, accomplish things I never did, and become something more than I’d ever be able to become. And deep down I know, that once I lose him, I’ll be gone. Either my my own hand intentionally in a drunken state of self pity, or by an unintentionally mix of drugs and alcohol to numb out the pain. When he leaves me, I will die……and I won’t be able to stop it.
I plead with science and gods I don’t believe in to spare my children the genetic **** job I got. I pray to beings I don’t believe in to spare them the pain I suffer with daily. The worry that today will be the day that the person you love the most says he’s done. That day is coming if I can’t change, and I’ve tried to change. I’ve tried to change a thousand times. I’ve made deals in my own mind, deals with friends, deals with family…..deals that just never, ever seem to come through.
I’ve disillusioned myself to believe if I say it aloud to another person, that I’ll carry it through. Guess what? It doesn’t work. I begin to resent the person helping me. I then sneak behind their back to get what I want, and I lie to them when I am caught.
I am a poison. I am destined to destroy, and I’m too damned selfish to step away myself. He’s going to leave me…..soon. And while I will cry and mourn my own loss, secretly I will applause him for getting himself and our kids away from me. And while I know that the absence of the love of my life and my children will be my ultimate destruction, I have to believe that my worthless existence is dispensable compared to the existence of the 3 people I love the most.
I am poison. I am destruction. And soon, I will be nothing…..gone from this world where I cause hurt, pain, disappointment, and sadness. My nonexistence will allow those I love to flourish. In the beginning they will be sad, not because I am gone, but because the potential of what they could have had is lost. My husband and children are not fools. They know that I hold no substantial future with them….and they see a ticking time bomb. When I am finally gone, buried/burned/incinerated from their lives, they can let go of that hope.
And again, I pray to those bitches in the sky, our “gods” or “GOD”, or whatever, that my husband will find a good woman. One who will give my kids what they never got from me. One that will never suffer with the inner demons I have. One that will let them forget me and all the wrongs I have done.
I know all of these things are coming…..my heart though, is breaking. On the day he says leave, I will. I’ll leave because I know it’s the best thing for them. On that day, what is left of my heart will be gone. That day will mark the beginning of the end for me, and a new beginning for them.
On that day, I will officially die inside…….
Yes, alcohol has trumped all reason in my mind. I envision myself happy and healthy, living this 50’s dream of Mom and Dad with 2 1/2 respectful, happy, healthy children. What I wake up to is the disgusted look of my husband while I hand my head over the toilet hoping I can fake my way through another day at work.
He wakes early to get this kids off of to school. By mutual unsaid agreement, I’m too much of a **** up to handle this. It’s better this way anyhow. While he sends them off with unbrushed teeth and wrinkled clothing, I’d likely send them off in pajamas with destroyed self esteem. You see, I can do that in a matter of seconds…..take a bright, brilliant child with the world in their hands, and break them down to nothing in seconds.
This isn’t a talent…it’s what I’ve got in my tool box. It’s how my father and mother coped with us, and I don’t know any different. Take that back, I do “know” different, because I’ve seen my husband do it. I just can’t do different.
When he leaves, my world will crumble to nothing. He’s all I’ve got left that tethers me to a sense of normalcy. Sometimes I wonder if I should just go…sign over my rights and give my kids a chance to see what life could be like without a drunken parent. But I’m selfish. I want to see them grow, accomplish things I never did, and become something more than I’d ever be able to become. And deep down I know, that once I lose him, I’ll be gone. Either my my own hand intentionally in a drunken state of self pity, or by an unintentionally mix of drugs and alcohol to numb out the pain. When he leaves me, I will die……and I won’t be able to stop it.
I plead with science and gods I don’t believe in to spare my children the genetic **** job I got. I pray to beings I don’t believe in to spare them the pain I suffer with daily. The worry that today will be the day that the person you love the most says he’s done. That day is coming if I can’t change, and I’ve tried to change. I’ve tried to change a thousand times. I’ve made deals in my own mind, deals with friends, deals with family…..deals that just never, ever seem to come through.
I’ve disillusioned myself to believe if I say it aloud to another person, that I’ll carry it through. Guess what? It doesn’t work. I begin to resent the person helping me. I then sneak behind their back to get what I want, and I lie to them when I am caught.
I am a poison. I am destined to destroy, and I’m too damned selfish to step away myself. He’s going to leave me…..soon. And while I will cry and mourn my own loss, secretly I will applause him for getting himself and our kids away from me. And while I know that the absence of the love of my life and my children will be my ultimate destruction, I have to believe that my worthless existence is dispensable compared to the existence of the 3 people I love the most.
I am poison. I am destruction. And soon, I will be nothing…..gone from this world where I cause hurt, pain, disappointment, and sadness. My nonexistence will allow those I love to flourish. In the beginning they will be sad, not because I am gone, but because the potential of what they could have had is lost. My husband and children are not fools. They know that I hold no substantial future with them….and they see a ticking time bomb. When I am finally gone, buried/burned/incinerated from their lives, they can let go of that hope.
And again, I pray to those bitches in the sky, our “gods” or “GOD”, or whatever, that my husband will find a good woman. One who will give my kids what they never got from me. One that will never suffer with the inner demons I have. One that will let them forget me and all the wrongs I have done.
I know all of these things are coming…..my heart though, is breaking. On the day he says leave, I will. I’ll leave because I know it’s the best thing for them. On that day, what is left of my heart will be gone. That day will mark the beginning of the end for me, and a new beginning for them.
On that day, I will officially die inside…….
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Ireland
Posts: 25,826
Welcome to the Forum Jaylee!! 
When it comes to addiction there are no inevitables in any of this, you can draw a final line under alcohol and move forward with your life, we all have it within us to turn away from our addiction once and for all.
Why let alcohol cause any more chaos in your life? take a stand, say no more, get a plan together and create the life you want, a happier place, somewhere far far away from the misery of what alcohol has to offer.
You can can do this, there's plenty of support here on SR to help out, welcome onboard!!
When it comes to addiction there are no inevitables in any of this, you can draw a final line under alcohol and move forward with your life, we all have it within us to turn away from our addiction once and for all.
Why let alcohol cause any more chaos in your life? take a stand, say no more, get a plan together and create the life you want, a happier place, somewhere far far away from the misery of what alcohol has to offer.
You can can do this, there's plenty of support here on SR to help out, welcome onboard!!
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,784
Welcome to the family. 
While it may seem impossible, you can get sober and live the life you dream of, but you have to stop drinking now.
There is help out there to get sober. Lots of programs to assist you. Coming here was a good first step.
Are you drinking now? If so, pour it out and have some water instead. Start your new life tomorrow.
While it may seem impossible, you can get sober and live the life you dream of, but you have to stop drinking now.There is help out there to get sober. Lots of programs to assist you. Coming here was a good first step.
Are you drinking now? If so, pour it out and have some water instead. Start your new life tomorrow.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2015
Location: Minnesota
Posts: 469
You can change. Your addiction is lying to you by saying you can't. I didn't think I could quit. But I've got 61 days sober today. Stick around and keep posting. You are a good writer. I can feel the pain and self loathing in your words. I have those feelings too. I believe You can do this. Quit today and your life changes today.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,514
You could stop drinking and change your life.
You are not a victim. You know what you need to do, so now is the time to stop up and do it.
Step up and be the person, the mother, the wife that you want to be.
You are not a victim. You know what you need to do, so now is the time to stop up and do it.
Step up and be the person, the mother, the wife that you want to be.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: California, USA
Posts: 625
I agree with everyone else. Yes, you can get sober. Yes, you can be a worthwhile woman, mate, mother, worker and friend. There IS hope!
Start reading here. Check with your doctor. Throw away any alcohol you have now. Hug your family. Vow to do your best for your boss. Consider inpatient care if needed. Make a plan.
It is not easy but can be done. One day at a time. YOU are strong enough to do this! The consequences you describe for yourself are simply unacceptable.
Come on. Join the rest of us. We get it.
Start reading here. Check with your doctor. Throw away any alcohol you have now. Hug your family. Vow to do your best for your boss. Consider inpatient care if needed. Make a plan.
It is not easy but can be done. One day at a time. YOU are strong enough to do this! The consequences you describe for yourself are simply unacceptable.
Come on. Join the rest of us. We get it.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,445
Hi Jaylee
what you have there is classic addict self hatred and doomed self destruction...the thing is...it's not true...none of it
I'd heard my addiction voice for so long I mistook it for mine - but you really are more than your addiction, and you really can turn this around.
It's not going to be easy, and it will take a little while & a lot of effort - but you can rediscover the old you, the real you and live again as opposed to merely existing.
It's all down to how much are you prepared to do to save yourself, jaylee.
You're not alone - you'll find a ton of support here
D
what you have there is classic addict self hatred and doomed self destruction...the thing is...it's not true...none of it
I'd heard my addiction voice for so long I mistook it for mine - but you really are more than your addiction, and you really can turn this around.
It's not going to be easy, and it will take a little while & a lot of effort - but you can rediscover the old you, the real you and live again as opposed to merely existing.
It's all down to how much are you prepared to do to save yourself, jaylee.
You're not alone - you'll find a ton of support here
D
Trudgin
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 6,348
Love is action not words I have learned. Flowery sentiments of wishing did nothing for me. Accepting the problem and a solution changed my life.
Addiction isn't inevitable - bad behavior doesn't mean we are bad people. Hope you will take the action to change and take steps towards recovery.
If I was left in a field as a child and am still sitting there many years later that's my decision. The past is gone - yesterday is but a shadow. What will I do today to change tomorrow?? That's the question
Glad you're posting - have you considered outside help!!
Addiction isn't inevitable - bad behavior doesn't mean we are bad people. Hope you will take the action to change and take steps towards recovery.
If I was left in a field as a child and am still sitting there many years later that's my decision. The past is gone - yesterday is but a shadow. What will I do today to change tomorrow?? That's the question
Glad you're posting - have you considered outside help!!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
Whatever pain is in your past can be overcome. I remember ruminating over how horribly unfair my life was and how no one would even care if I was gone...
Those self-pitying thoughts are gone for me. Alcohol did a number on my cognitive abilities and without it I am now able to feel joy, peace, contentment. Is that what you would like?
Put down the drink. Everything changes.
We're glad you're here. Keep reading and keep posting. Welcome.
Those self-pitying thoughts are gone for me. Alcohol did a number on my cognitive abilities and without it I am now able to feel joy, peace, contentment. Is that what you would like?
Put down the drink. Everything changes.
We're glad you're here. Keep reading and keep posting. Welcome.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
You seem stuck somewhere between being terribly hard on yourself and making excuses.....
The thing is, you dont have to remain the person you are today. You dont have to give up. You dont have to watch yiur life and everything that you ever cared about go down in a spiral of blackness.
Making these statements is a choice... you have other choices. Many have been right where you are - and have changed it all.
Choose sobriety and your world will brighten .
The thing is, you dont have to remain the person you are today. You dont have to give up. You dont have to watch yiur life and everything that you ever cared about go down in a spiral of blackness.
Making these statements is a choice... you have other choices. Many have been right where you are - and have changed it all.
Choose sobriety and your world will brighten .
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
quitting is a lot easier than we "think" it is when we are deep in the addiction.....actually continuing to feed the addiction is HARD WORK. you can change it all NOW......put down the drink and get some help. your addiction WANTS you to lose your husband and kids....cuz then it can have a field day of guilt remorse and regret to feed on.
many of us are genetically predisposed to alcoholism, but we can still be successful NON-drinkers - when we stop feeding the beast.
now if you really would rather NOT have your precious children in your life, or a man who loves you, and you'd truly RATHER be a drunk, if you'd rather believe the LIES of addiction and live a life of emptiness and dread, that is also a choice. but know that it IS a choice....
you came here for a reason.
many of us are genetically predisposed to alcoholism, but we can still be successful NON-drinkers - when we stop feeding the beast.
now if you really would rather NOT have your precious children in your life, or a man who loves you, and you'd truly RATHER be a drunk, if you'd rather believe the LIES of addiction and live a life of emptiness and dread, that is also a choice. but know that it IS a choice....
you came here for a reason.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 709
Dear Jaylee,
I was in your shoes 4 months ago. Not able to stop, or not able to care enough to stop. Inside, I've known for the last year that my husband was planning to leave and that he would try to take our son. And he did, September 24th.
While I never verbally or physically abused my kids, my drinking was harmful enough. When my world fell apart, I knew I had to go to rehab. It was way overdue. I was terrified and cried the whole way there.
I spent over 7 weeks at this wonderful, loving place and I've been sober since October 19. It's not a long time, but it's a long time for me. I feel great, I've lost 15 lbs and feeling like **** every morning is in the past. I used to hear "if I can do it, anyone can" and never believed it. Never thought I'd find joy or fun in a sober life. But it's the opposite.
My husband is still going through with the divorce but I have joint custody of our son again. It's my husband's loss -- I'm the best person I can be and he's missing out. And truth be told, I was miserable in my marriage for a very long time. I chose to deal with it by drinking.
Please don't give up on yourself!!! You are stronger than you think you are -- really! Please message me if you want to chat.
I was in your shoes 4 months ago. Not able to stop, or not able to care enough to stop. Inside, I've known for the last year that my husband was planning to leave and that he would try to take our son. And he did, September 24th.
While I never verbally or physically abused my kids, my drinking was harmful enough. When my world fell apart, I knew I had to go to rehab. It was way overdue. I was terrified and cried the whole way there.
I spent over 7 weeks at this wonderful, loving place and I've been sober since October 19. It's not a long time, but it's a long time for me. I feel great, I've lost 15 lbs and feeling like **** every morning is in the past. I used to hear "if I can do it, anyone can" and never believed it. Never thought I'd find joy or fun in a sober life. But it's the opposite.
My husband is still going through with the divorce but I have joint custody of our son again. It's my husband's loss -- I'm the best person I can be and he's missing out. And truth be told, I was miserable in my marriage for a very long time. I chose to deal with it by drinking.
Please don't give up on yourself!!! You are stronger than you think you are -- really! Please message me if you want to chat.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,574
Jaylee - I drank for over 30 yrs. I couldn't imagine my life without it - I 'knew' I'd never quit for good. Yet here I sit, almost 8 yrs. sober. I'm living proof it can be done, even when we are absolutely convinced it can't be. You don't have to settle for this misery. There is a way out. You're never alone.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2015
Posts: 2
Thank you for the replies. Yes, I know that I "could" quit if I were strong enough, if I really wanted to......etc, etc.
The thing is, I don't think I can. I've done AA (not for me), online forums in the past, and a nice little rehab vacation once. The only time I've ever been able to completely abstain was when I was pregnant. And that was only because I refused to harm another person directly with my drinking. Don't get me wrong, I see the harm I'm still doing. But I'm not pouring alcohol into anyone without consent...right?
I didn't come here to quit, honestly. My post was me pouring my heart out and not knowing what to do with said post afterwards. I still believe my husband will leave, and I see nothing but heartache in my future. I appreciate all of your kind words, but I may end up being one of those reminders for others.
If you can't quit, you may end up like this sad bitch..... it's quite fitting actually. I have dedicated my career to helping others. Perhaps my sole purpose in life is to remind those who have the willpower to quit what they will return to if they rebound back into the grips of alcohol. I don't know.
Perhaps my post has no meaning, other than me getting this off of my chest and out into the open. Either way, I don't feel salvageable. I'm lost....I'm so lost that I don't think I'll ever be found.
The thing is, I don't think I can. I've done AA (not for me), online forums in the past, and a nice little rehab vacation once. The only time I've ever been able to completely abstain was when I was pregnant. And that was only because I refused to harm another person directly with my drinking. Don't get me wrong, I see the harm I'm still doing. But I'm not pouring alcohol into anyone without consent...right?
I didn't come here to quit, honestly. My post was me pouring my heart out and not knowing what to do with said post afterwards. I still believe my husband will leave, and I see nothing but heartache in my future. I appreciate all of your kind words, but I may end up being one of those reminders for others.
If you can't quit, you may end up like this sad bitch..... it's quite fitting actually. I have dedicated my career to helping others. Perhaps my sole purpose in life is to remind those who have the willpower to quit what they will return to if they rebound back into the grips of alcohol. I don't know.
Perhaps my post has no meaning, other than me getting this off of my chest and out into the open. Either way, I don't feel salvageable. I'm lost....I'm so lost that I don't think I'll ever be found.
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Location: US East Coast
Posts: 1,972
Jaylee,
At least you have reached the acceptance phase. There are people who think they don't even have a problem with alcohol even though it is ruining their lives and the lives of those around them.
I would just ask that you consider having a little faith in the fact that if you stop drinking, you will turn your life around. I really had no idea just how much damage alcohol was doing to my ability to reason both mentally and emotionally. It has been almost a year since I quit and I am still growing emotionally and learning to deal with life's troubles in a more productive and mature way.
At least you have reached the acceptance phase. There are people who think they don't even have a problem with alcohol even though it is ruining their lives and the lives of those around them.
I would just ask that you consider having a little faith in the fact that if you stop drinking, you will turn your life around. I really had no idea just how much damage alcohol was doing to my ability to reason both mentally and emotionally. It has been almost a year since I quit and I am still growing emotionally and learning to deal with life's troubles in a more productive and mature way.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 709
Jaylee, imagine how your kids would feel if that happened. Please see a psychiatrist, go to the nearest ER or call a suicide prevention hotline (1-800-273-8255). There IS a way out that doesn't involve drinking yourself into the ground.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: canada
Posts: 7,242
so that's how it is.
when you say you're in acceptance, what you really mean is that you've decided you can't. won't. didn't even come here to quit. cause you can't.
future all written in stone.
BS, of course . not pre-destined.
AA is not for you. hm...who's it for if not for the one who cannot quit when she wants to? who's it for if not for the one who can't do it herself? the one with the unmanageable life?
"people like you" get sober every day.
some of them are here, right here on SR.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/5470167-post27.html
when you say you're in acceptance, what you really mean is that you've decided you can't. won't. didn't even come here to quit. cause you can't.
future all written in stone.
BS, of course . not pre-destined.
AA is not for you. hm...who's it for if not for the one who cannot quit when she wants to? who's it for if not for the one who can't do it herself? the one with the unmanageable life?
"people like you" get sober every day.
some of them are here, right here on SR.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/5470167-post27.html
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