rahrah

So I got rid of all my stashed bottles today! Never, ever, ever have I poured my 'precious' down the drain...even though I've sworn off it a gajillion times!
Pouring the booze down the drain nearly gave me a panic attack as it simply scared me to death...literally frightened me, knowing it's power over me...not because I was tempted to drink, because miraculously today was a GIFT....I didn't have one desire to drink....I was so overwhelmed with gratitude to be sober today that I didn't have an inkling of desire for it...but weirdly I was simultaneously TERRIFIED about the coming days...how am I going to manage when the holidays are over and life is back in full swing and I'm going bonkers juggling work, house, kids, cooking, cleaning, carting kids to hockey/gymnastics/dance, etc... How the heck am I gonna stay sober through all that!?
So I didn't want a drink today and was overwhelmed with gratitude, but I was also overwhelmed with guilt..as I sat and played with my children I felt sick with guilt for all the other Christmases I didn't do what I did today.
SEE FOLKS! See what a dummy I am...here I had a beautiful gift of respite from the cravings and I spent it fretting over the past and worrying about the future. I am not an AA'r but I do believe I have a soul-sickness...I hope it gets better and I can just appreciate a gift like today without beating myself up!

Coldfusion

Congratulations for throwing it out!

I think soon you'll wonder how you did all that while drinking!

Even if you don't go to AA meetings, you might want to look into the Twelve Steps. It is a way of systematically getting your life together, dealing with the past, and facing each day sober.

rahrah

Thanks Cold...I did do AA for about a year...but I didn't work the steps..just went to meetings...my ego was WAY too out of control back then (10yrs ago) to really appreciate the steps...I've said NO! to AA this time around...but really, I'm just too desperate to completely shut it down...maybe I'll dig up my Big Book and have a look-see. I've read all the AVRT I can get my hands on and looked up books referred to me here. I just can't afford to say 'No' to anything that may help.

MythOfSisyphus

Well done, rahrah!

Coldfusion

I found the AA literature to be a bit old-fashioned. For guidance working the Steps, I use the NA book, It Works, How and Why: The Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions of Narcotics Anonymous (Narcotics Anonymous World Services, 1993; PO Box 9999, Van Nuys, CA 91409).

Soberwolf

Good Day Rah Rah

FormerWineGirl

Congratulations rahrah! I have felt guilty over the years for lots of stuff too - But I am learning to let go of it. Somewhere along the line I finally realized that all I can do going forward is to be the best person that I can be. That there is nothing I we do about past mistakes, except not to repeat them. Honestly, once I started letting that sink into my head, I became an overall happier person.

rahrah

Thanks FWG....I know that no matter how hard I try I cannot change the past....but it sure does hurt....I'm so early into sobriety that everything hurts...I hear that will change. Fingers crossed!

rahrah

Thanks Cold...I'm going to look up those books...like I said, I'll do anything.

PurpleKnight

Great job Rahrah!! Keep pushing through!!

Fly N Buy

Way to dump the stash!!! Ha. I still occasionally come across a reminder here and there...........


Can'tell ya how many friends I hear who said the exact same thing about AA as part of their stories. Me too.

No one wakes up and says, gee I think life is so grand I bop in to an AA meeting and check it out! Most of us were pretty desperate when we walked in the doors.

I've never been a joiner or one to be part of. Was agnostic at best and knew that going to the rooms would surround me with a bunch of people who couldn't simply solve their own problems = waste of time.

Something was different this time, however. I did what I was told and took action without knowing what the results would be. I discovered what many others have - a simple program that shows me how to clean up the past without regret and become fruitful going forward.

Thanks for your posts - they help others as well as yourself........

rahrah

FNB..I'm worried that I haven't gotten all my stash either.....a few months back I stumbled outta bed and into the kitchen and was totally confused....the kitchen counter was covered in half empty bottles....I never left bottles out as I always hid my drinking and only ever kept one bottle of wine on the go at a time....so as to trick everyone into how much I WASN'T drinking (ya right!) and then I'd sneak off to take hits off the stronger stuff stashed. So when I saw the bottles out I was literally stopped in my tracks....then the horror hit.....it was my stash! Turns out that my husband was looking for something in our room and found like 10 bottles and simply left them on the counter for me to find. It was horrifying!

UnfoldingWings

Congrats on such a brave thing to do! "Soul sickness" what a perfect description. I definitely have that and understand what you are talking about when you ask, how are you gonna do it all, if you're like me, it's been your life partner. How long have you been sober? Only 62 days for me and I am grieving big time

rahrah

UW...wow and way to go on 62 days! What an accomplishment! I am on day 14...and so scared! I've been down this road SO MANY TIMES...everyone keeps asking 'what r ya gonna do different?' and 'what's the plan'...ya know...all the stuff those serious recoverers ask
So I figured I'd better have an answer for MYSELF to those questions if I too were serious about recovery (not just 'not drinking')...so my answer is...
DIFFERENT: Admit to others what they already know...I've gotta problem and am quitting...pls respect this and don't get in my way of trying to get better (this has made me feel accountable). Sharing with my husband everything going on inside me, rather than just hiding my struggle. And I dumped my stash!
PLAN: Whatever it takes...reading recovery material, made appt's with a therapist and naturopath for next week...making time for ME and staying connected to SR for encouragement and when needed (which is often) immediate support!!!
That's my different/plan.
Fingers crossed!

Soberwolf

Building a plan links that will build a excellent plan

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ful-links.html

Fly N Buy

Old movie Lost Weekend is about an alcoholic hiding bottles. I thought man I'd never do that. Eventually I did and my spouse would put them on the kitchen counter.

Glad today I don't have that fear !!! Good thread, thanks !

least

I had a really good hiding place for four bottles of wine. My kids never found it but after I got sober I showed them where it was. It was pretty well hidden, but it showed me that I was doing something I had to hide as I knew it was wrong...