Feeling Invincible While Drinking.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 25
Feeling Invincible While Drinking.
Well..here goes. 
Hello, I am new here and I am a 23 year old alcoholic. I will start by telling you a bit of my back story, and how I came to be on this message board.
First off, I have always been quite an unhappy person. I won't give you my life story, but while my parents are good, they had their problems. I always felt like my mom liked my brother more, that she never noticed me. I don't remember her ever telling me that I am pretty, smart, capable. She just didn't seem like she really valued me, although she was always very overprotective. My mom has always been very neurotic and anxious. She yelled a lot and seemed deeply unhappy while I was growing up. My dad was a coke addict, although a functional one. He had a good job but would sometimes disappear for days. I didn't know why until I was 17. We never had much of a relationship. We still just don't really talk to each other, we're like strangers. We say hello, give each other hugs when we see each other, and I love him but we strictly don't communicate. It's been like that for as long as I can remember.
I was a shy, nervous, and nerdy kid in elementary school. I got teased a lot. When I got older and developed a bit more and got prettier, I did everything I could to be noticed. All I wanted to do was fit in. In high school, I befriended the troublemakers. I was introduced to alcohol at 15 and I fell in love. It erased all my anxiety and made me "wild" and carefree. I was a hit with all my friends. I finally felt like people paid attention to me and actually liked me. Before long, I was partying all the time. Every time I went out, I had to drink: it was my favorite thing to do. I started failing my classes, ditching them, and before long I was a mess. I went sort of crazy. I would drink with tons of guys and fool around with all of them, although I never had sex at that time. I would fool around with the lowest of the low, pretty much anyone that gave me attention, and guys that had girlfriends. I got physically attacked by three girls one night while walking to a friend's house because I made so many enemies, largely due to my drinking. I overdosed on some pills that I just carelessly took, not even knowing what they were. I got suspended by punching a girl in the face at school. My parents were concerned: they grounded me a lot and got really involved in my personal business, ex. finding out my social media passwords, reading notes from friends, but I felt like they should have done more. I don't know if they really knew how out of control I was. All of my friends by my senior year were drug addicts who would smoke meth around me all the time. They were all older than me. I was always too scared to try meth, though I wanted to fit in. Thankfully I never did: alcohol was always enough for me. I finished high school at a continuation school and met some guy straight out of prison who was also in a gang. I got drunk and lost my virginity to him, carelessly.
I married this guy when I was 18. Looking back, I must have completely lost my mind. I spent four and a half years with this psycho who emotionally abused and completely destroyed me. I lost every fiber of my being. I was terrified to leave, but I finally did at 21. This resulted in months of being stalked and harassed, and me having to get a restraining order. I didn't drink while we were together because he didn't like me to. When I left him, I was glad to be free, but I had no idea how to be on my own. And of course, I was lonely and I was depressed. I didn't know where to start re-building my life. I hadn't had one friend during our marriage, and I had never really dated, so I threw myself into other people. I was 21 and I started going to bars with new friends, and I started drinking more than ever before. Drinking made me forget everything, it made me feel invincible. As soon as I started to feel that buzz, everything was okay. And the main thing that bothers me now, is I started having a LOT of sex. Unprotected sex. I just didn't care. The number of men I've slept with in the last couple of years is overwhelming. I've slept with guys don't even find attractive. I've drank just to be able to go have sex with guys that I didn't want to have sex with (why?). I was blind to the destruction I was causing at first: I thought, "I deserve to have fun after what I've been put through." But for the last year, I've noticed that I'm still almost just as unhappy as I was when I was being abused. I have done absolutely nothing to better my life. I feel so empty, and I drink and have sex to fill the emptiness, and then I feel a thousand times more empty and depressed. I absolutely despise myself. I look at myself and I hate what I see. I hate everything I do, every move I make. I freak out and get paranoid after every sexual encounter because I never use protection. I'll even carry condoms with me and just don't give a **** when I drink. I get tested every couple months because I'm constantly doing this and going through this cycle. Last month, I blacked out and woke up naked in someone's bed. I have no idea if I was raped or if I consented. I freaked out, took myself to AA and vowed to get sober. I did for three weeks and then I decided to go and have a beer. Obviously, that turned into getting ****faced a week later and doing the same thing as always. I'm so lost, so empty, and so depressed. I was once a little girl who got straight A's and dreamed of being a singer. Now, I'll be lucky if I don't wind up with an STD, pregnant by some deadbeat, or dead because I drive drunk all the time. I need some guidance, please. BTW, my sponsor when I went to AA last month barely kept in touch with me and we never went over the Big Book at all. Is this normal? I need someone who is going to be extremely involved.
Hello, I am new here and I am a 23 year old alcoholic. I will start by telling you a bit of my back story, and how I came to be on this message board.
First off, I have always been quite an unhappy person. I won't give you my life story, but while my parents are good, they had their problems. I always felt like my mom liked my brother more, that she never noticed me. I don't remember her ever telling me that I am pretty, smart, capable. She just didn't seem like she really valued me, although she was always very overprotective. My mom has always been very neurotic and anxious. She yelled a lot and seemed deeply unhappy while I was growing up. My dad was a coke addict, although a functional one. He had a good job but would sometimes disappear for days. I didn't know why until I was 17. We never had much of a relationship. We still just don't really talk to each other, we're like strangers. We say hello, give each other hugs when we see each other, and I love him but we strictly don't communicate. It's been like that for as long as I can remember.
I was a shy, nervous, and nerdy kid in elementary school. I got teased a lot. When I got older and developed a bit more and got prettier, I did everything I could to be noticed. All I wanted to do was fit in. In high school, I befriended the troublemakers. I was introduced to alcohol at 15 and I fell in love. It erased all my anxiety and made me "wild" and carefree. I was a hit with all my friends. I finally felt like people paid attention to me and actually liked me. Before long, I was partying all the time. Every time I went out, I had to drink: it was my favorite thing to do. I started failing my classes, ditching them, and before long I was a mess. I went sort of crazy. I would drink with tons of guys and fool around with all of them, although I never had sex at that time. I would fool around with the lowest of the low, pretty much anyone that gave me attention, and guys that had girlfriends. I got physically attacked by three girls one night while walking to a friend's house because I made so many enemies, largely due to my drinking. I overdosed on some pills that I just carelessly took, not even knowing what they were. I got suspended by punching a girl in the face at school. My parents were concerned: they grounded me a lot and got really involved in my personal business, ex. finding out my social media passwords, reading notes from friends, but I felt like they should have done more. I don't know if they really knew how out of control I was. All of my friends by my senior year were drug addicts who would smoke meth around me all the time. They were all older than me. I was always too scared to try meth, though I wanted to fit in. Thankfully I never did: alcohol was always enough for me. I finished high school at a continuation school and met some guy straight out of prison who was also in a gang. I got drunk and lost my virginity to him, carelessly.
I married this guy when I was 18. Looking back, I must have completely lost my mind. I spent four and a half years with this psycho who emotionally abused and completely destroyed me. I lost every fiber of my being. I was terrified to leave, but I finally did at 21. This resulted in months of being stalked and harassed, and me having to get a restraining order. I didn't drink while we were together because he didn't like me to. When I left him, I was glad to be free, but I had no idea how to be on my own. And of course, I was lonely and I was depressed. I didn't know where to start re-building my life. I hadn't had one friend during our marriage, and I had never really dated, so I threw myself into other people. I was 21 and I started going to bars with new friends, and I started drinking more than ever before. Drinking made me forget everything, it made me feel invincible. As soon as I started to feel that buzz, everything was okay. And the main thing that bothers me now, is I started having a LOT of sex. Unprotected sex. I just didn't care. The number of men I've slept with in the last couple of years is overwhelming. I've slept with guys don't even find attractive. I've drank just to be able to go have sex with guys that I didn't want to have sex with (why?). I was blind to the destruction I was causing at first: I thought, "I deserve to have fun after what I've been put through." But for the last year, I've noticed that I'm still almost just as unhappy as I was when I was being abused. I have done absolutely nothing to better my life. I feel so empty, and I drink and have sex to fill the emptiness, and then I feel a thousand times more empty and depressed. I absolutely despise myself. I look at myself and I hate what I see. I hate everything I do, every move I make. I freak out and get paranoid after every sexual encounter because I never use protection. I'll even carry condoms with me and just don't give a **** when I drink. I get tested every couple months because I'm constantly doing this and going through this cycle. Last month, I blacked out and woke up naked in someone's bed. I have no idea if I was raped or if I consented. I freaked out, took myself to AA and vowed to get sober. I did for three weeks and then I decided to go and have a beer. Obviously, that turned into getting ****faced a week later and doing the same thing as always. I'm so lost, so empty, and so depressed. I was once a little girl who got straight A's and dreamed of being a singer. Now, I'll be lucky if I don't wind up with an STD, pregnant by some deadbeat, or dead because I drive drunk all the time. I need some guidance, please. BTW, my sponsor when I went to AA last month barely kept in touch with me and we never went over the Big Book at all. Is this normal? I need someone who is going to be extremely involved.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: Ohio
Posts: 581
Welcome. I think you have made a huge big step by coming here, and applaud you for it.
Honestly, I think you need to go see your doctor and get in some counseling ASAP. You need to be able to work with a professional who can guide you through processing the trauma and grief you feel. Without working on yourself and these feelings, I think alcohol always has the potential to pull you back in.
I am only 7 days sober myself, but I have recognized through several failed attempts to stop drinking, that it is essential to work on the reasons for drinking. Otherwise, sooner or later, you end up back on the bottle.
Posting here, and reading through the threads is invaluable to me, and hopefully you too
Honestly, I think you need to go see your doctor and get in some counseling ASAP. You need to be able to work with a professional who can guide you through processing the trauma and grief you feel. Without working on yourself and these feelings, I think alcohol always has the potential to pull you back in.
I am only 7 days sober myself, but I have recognized through several failed attempts to stop drinking, that it is essential to work on the reasons for drinking. Otherwise, sooner or later, you end up back on the bottle.
Posting here, and reading through the threads is invaluable to me, and hopefully you too
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 25
Originally Posted by learningagain 
Welcome. I think you have made a huge big step by coming here, and applaud you for it.
Honestly, I think you need to go see your doctor and get in some counseling ASAP. You need to be able to work with a professional who can guide you through processing the trauma and grief you feel. Without working on yourself and these feelings, I think alcohol always has the potential to pull you back in.
I am only 7 days sober myself, but I have recognized through several failed attempts to stop drinking, that it is essential to work on the reasons for drinking. Otherwise, sooner or later, you end up back on the bottle.
Posting here, and reading through the threads is invaluable to me, and hopefully you too
Honestly, I think you need to go see your doctor and get in some counseling ASAP. You need to be able to work with a professional who can guide you through processing the trauma and grief you feel. Without working on yourself and these feelings, I think alcohol always has the potential to pull you back in.
I am only 7 days sober myself, but I have recognized through several failed attempts to stop drinking, that it is essential to work on the reasons for drinking. Otherwise, sooner or later, you end up back on the bottle.
Posting here, and reading through the threads is invaluable to me, and hopefully you too
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 9,029
Welcome to SR. I'm glad you're here. I tried using alcohol and sex to fill the hole in my soul and it doesn't work. If you're open to AA talk to the woman who was sponsoring you and tell her what you need. Some sponsors are more intensive than others.
I'd also consider checking out meetings for family members of addicts or alcoholics, like ACOA. Your description of your mother could describe me. My husband is an addict and I carry a lot of anger around which unfortunately trickles down to our two children.
You can stop. Keep coming here and reading, reaching out. You've made a good start.
I'd also consider checking out meetings for family members of addicts or alcoholics, like ACOA. Your description of your mother could describe me. My husband is an addict and I carry a lot of anger around which unfortunately trickles down to our two children.
You can stop. Keep coming here and reading, reaching out. You've made a good start.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Dallas Texas
Posts: 579
I'm new to AA but all sponsors are different. Talk to you current sponsor and tell them your needs. Ask others at AA for some sponsors that are more hands on. Some will have the time you require others will not. My experience is they will gladly identify several for you. Speak with them and you should be able to fine one you relate well.
Don't give up. Sponsors are like people-they are all different.
Don't give up. Sponsors are like people-they are all different.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,454
Hi and welcome superstaroxox
I think without a doubt the worst mistake I ever made was to avoid my problems by drinking...cos thats exactly what I was doing.
The more problems arose the more I drank.
The more I drank the more the problems persisted and the more booze I needed.
By my 30s i felt anything but invincible.
You have a great chance to get off the crazy train now.
I'm sorry for your past and the pain you feel, but thats no reason to let the pain continue to rule you into your late twenties 30's and maybe beyond
Be brave and face your demons. You'll be glad you did - and there's no end of support and understanding here
D
I think without a doubt the worst mistake I ever made was to avoid my problems by drinking...cos thats exactly what I was doing.
The more problems arose the more I drank.
The more I drank the more the problems persisted and the more booze I needed.
By my 30s i felt anything but invincible.
You have a great chance to get off the crazy train now.
I'm sorry for your past and the pain you feel, but thats no reason to let the pain continue to rule you into your late twenties 30's and maybe beyond
Be brave and face your demons. You'll be glad you did - and there's no end of support and understanding here
D
Trudgin
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 6,348
Welcome
Many times outside help is warranted in addition to a recovery program such as AA. Have you considered the medical community to bolster you're efforts?
Alcohol can be viewed from a physiological point of view as well as others. Consider reading Under the Influence by Ketcham and Milam, perhaps.
Call your sponsor daily! Wear them out.......read your book and ask about doing step work. If they are too busy or seem preoccupied consider another friend as well.
Keep coming back!
Many times outside help is warranted in addition to a recovery program such as AA. Have you considered the medical community to bolster you're efforts?
Alcohol can be viewed from a physiological point of view as well as others. Consider reading Under the Influence by Ketcham and Milam, perhaps.
Call your sponsor daily! Wear them out.......read your book and ask about doing step work. If they are too busy or seem preoccupied consider another friend as well.
Keep coming back!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 295
Hi there, superstar. I agree that you should seek a good counselor or mentor, and also a doctor. Can you go back to the counselor you had before? A good one can make all the difference, and teach you things about life you should have learned early on from your parents. Like how to have respect for yourself, just for starters.
A longterm abusive relationship can really wreak havok on your life and leave deep scars. I was able to get a fantastic counselor while I was leaving an abusive marriage, at no cost. I didn't realize til a long time after I left her, how helpful she was, and I stopped sessions before I should have.
You can make friends and learn a lot on this board as well. Some here have said that this board alone has changed their life and keeps them sober.
You need a lot of guidance right now, a support system to be your strong anchor instead of turning to drugs and alcohol. As you have found, those solutions have only made things worse, not better. It's great that you're posting here and reaching out.
A longterm abusive relationship can really wreak havok on your life and leave deep scars. I was able to get a fantastic counselor while I was leaving an abusive marriage, at no cost. I didn't realize til a long time after I left her, how helpful she was, and I stopped sessions before I should have.
You can make friends and learn a lot on this board as well. Some here have said that this board alone has changed their life and keeps them sober.
You need a lot of guidance right now, a support system to be your strong anchor instead of turning to drugs and alcohol. As you have found, those solutions have only made things worse, not better. It's great that you're posting here and reaching out.
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