Advice, Please
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Lotusland
Posts: 6
Advice, Please
My 26 year-old son is addicted to heroin, and though I have been visiting these boards for weeks, and taken comfort from all I have read here, this is my first posting. Thank you all for your honesty, openness, and humour.
I have a pretty good understanding of under/overfunctioning, enabling, and co-dependence, and yet I don't trust my own judgment anymore. I just finished talking with my son who called me from jail. This is the second time he has been incarcerated this year (he steals merchandise from stores to support his addiction). He was locked up for six weeks in February, and it looks like he'll be there for a couple of months this time. I would appreciate some advice from recovering addicts. My son has asked me to deposit some money in an account for him at the jail, as he says the meal portions are not enough (they can buy additional food), he would like to buy a decent toothbrush, and he would like money to make phone calls (otherwise, the calls are collect) to me, his two year old son, and his cousin.
I know that if I give him money for these things it would make his incarceration less painful....is this enabling him? As I said, I just don't trust my own judgment anymore - I love him so dearly - I pray he gets the lesson(s) this time around - I don't want to contribute to prolonging this insanity. ANy advice or suggestion is greatly appreciated
I have a pretty good understanding of under/overfunctioning, enabling, and co-dependence, and yet I don't trust my own judgment anymore. I just finished talking with my son who called me from jail. This is the second time he has been incarcerated this year (he steals merchandise from stores to support his addiction). He was locked up for six weeks in February, and it looks like he'll be there for a couple of months this time. I would appreciate some advice from recovering addicts. My son has asked me to deposit some money in an account for him at the jail, as he says the meal portions are not enough (they can buy additional food), he would like to buy a decent toothbrush, and he would like money to make phone calls (otherwise, the calls are collect) to me, his two year old son, and his cousin.
I know that if I give him money for these things it would make his incarceration less painful....is this enabling him? As I said, I just don't trust my own judgment anymore - I love him so dearly - I pray he gets the lesson(s) this time around - I don't want to contribute to prolonging this insanity. ANy advice or suggestion is greatly appreciated
Member
Join Date: Jan 2004
Location: Venice, Florida
Posts: 414
This is a tough one. The answer I have is "yes" and '"No". OK, I guess I should clarify.
If you deposit the money, yes, you may be enabling him, however I do understand the need to nurture him. He is your son. Is he acknowleding his addiction and willing to get help on his release? That may be the key to the answer of what you are going to do. Trust your instinct. You know him best.
It may be time for tough love. Tough love hurts.
In the mean time, have you tried NARANON? It is a supportive group of people who are where you are at. They can help you daily if needed.
Keep posting here. We also care and will help if at all possible.
If you deposit the money, yes, you may be enabling him, however I do understand the need to nurture him. He is your son. Is he acknowleding his addiction and willing to get help on his release? That may be the key to the answer of what you are going to do. Trust your instinct. You know him best.
It may be time for tough love. Tough love hurts.
In the mean time, have you tried NARANON? It is a supportive group of people who are where you are at. They can help you daily if needed.
Keep posting here. We also care and will help if at all possible.
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: east coast
Posts: 2,440
I agree with Dawn. It's a tough call. He does need to learn a lesson. The more my parents helped me while actively using, the longer I stay out there. My brother did some time in prison and my parents sent him packages and gave him money. He appreciated while there, but later told my parents that he may have learned his lesson earlier had they not helped. Pray about it. In the meantime, here's a hug for you 
Sherry
Sherry
Supply Manager
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Cleaverville
Posts: 2,898
My son is in jail and I just made that choice. To send money this time...I will decide on the next time next time.
I did check into the facility so I knew for myself what they provided and what I could send. I didn't trust my son's version. Oh and my son GAINED weight in jail! I don't think food is a problem. They WANT treats but they don't need them.
In my son's facility they don't provide anything at all...they even have to buy laundry soap, shampoo, bath soap etc. And I can't send any of that stuff, they will send it back. Check on what they will alow you to send. If I could send stuff vs money that is what I would do.
So my advice? You don't have to do anything today. Check out the facts yourself and know that he will very likely buy smokes or some other nonsense. If you can afford it without putting yourself in financial stress I say go for it. You are in no way enabling anything if he is jail.
Also...you can change your mind...you are not signing a contract. You can snap that purse closed at any time.
Hugs,
JT
I did check into the facility so I knew for myself what they provided and what I could send. I didn't trust my son's version. Oh and my son GAINED weight in jail! I don't think food is a problem. They WANT treats but they don't need them.
In my son's facility they don't provide anything at all...they even have to buy laundry soap, shampoo, bath soap etc. And I can't send any of that stuff, they will send it back. Check on what they will alow you to send. If I could send stuff vs money that is what I would do.
So my advice? You don't have to do anything today. Check out the facts yourself and know that he will very likely buy smokes or some other nonsense. If you can afford it without putting yourself in financial stress I say go for it. You are in no way enabling anything if he is jail.
Also...you can change your mind...you are not signing a contract. You can snap that purse closed at any time.
Hugs,
JT
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Lotusland
Posts: 6
Thank-you so much for responding, Dawn10, sherbear5104, and JT. I made a number of phone calls and after much consideration, have decided to go ahead and deposit some cash in his "account". Once that is done, and he can call me, I will do my best to encourage him to take advantage of the drug/alcohol counsellor available there (although, due to privacy laws, there is no way I can confirm whether he has followed-up and actually seen the counsellor). I will also start visiting the NARANON board, and will investigate a support group near home. Thanks as well for your hugs - they are most comforting. My prayers are with us all 
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