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Christmas...

Old 12-17-2015, 02:24 PM
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A simple guy making his way
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Christmas...

I was not a complex child. I yearned for many normally accessible things all kids wanted... Needed... Like love and attention. Yet I remained idealistic.

My vision of happiness at Christmas time was to sing holding hands around the tree. Perhaps I got that from Dr. Seuss. Either way I spoke up and nearly demanded that we sing as a family. My alcoholic step father would forbid the tree to be put up any earlier than sundown Christmas Eve. My demands would have to wait.

That could be the reason I now sit across from my glowing multicolored lights as I share this with you. But one year... And I suspect his drink gave in to my demands, we sang. Sadly. Out of tune. Half hearted. A loose moist hand held mine.

I learned a valuable lesson that year.

I can't ask for needs. They are or they aren't fulfilled. There is no in between. I felt immensely uncomfortable in the whole act that even at that age I understood what was right and wrong about it all.

But still... My heart grew three sizes that day.

Not in a way that alleviated the pain, but in that I somewhat understood it. We grow fast in alcoholic houses.

I did not lose innocence that day. Joyfully it remains in me. I accept my idealistic ways. Hope is tangible no matter who tries to steal it. No one can grasp it like I can. Like I choose too.

This holiday season let no one steal. Suggest. Thwart. The love in your heart. More so the self love in your heart.

Being a drunk addict... That can't take away the real me. No one can. I suspect the same goes for you.

K
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Old 12-17-2015, 02:43 PM
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Weasel, great post.

I was similar to you. I knew things weren't quite right in my alcoholic dysfunctional family, even at a very early age.

I played the piano (clumsily), learned Christmas songs, and wrote Christmas plays for us all to sing and perform. Sadly, no one was nearly as enthusiastic about it as I was.

It was rather a pathetic sight, I'm sure -- I was trying to "create" a normal family.

I am sad for that little girl, especially on holidays.

I kept a lot of my idealism and that urge to create, too.
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Old 12-17-2015, 03:18 PM
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A beautiful post K!

I'm really sorry that no one was there to help you meet your valid needs when you were younger. However, you still have that person, needs and idealism within you! Well done!!

B
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Old 12-17-2015, 08:18 PM
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I'm glad you haven't lost innocence. I'm finding that in sobriety and recovery I'm rediscovering the simple pleasures that I enjoyed as a child, without ever picking up a drink.

Thank you for this.
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Old 12-17-2015, 09:24 PM
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Hi Weasel.

One of the things that sobriety has given me is the first chance (as a finally sober adult - I was another that started looking to booze for peace early) is the courage to look outside my family and immediate close friends for support and joint experiences that I want or need. AA is a good example of this - but also my church community, and the general 'sober' friendships I've made.

Most of my 'christmassy' feelings nowadays are centred around the different things that I've volunteered to help with or arranged to do at church or AA (my partner is a Bah Humbug). At the carol service last weekend I was on the list to lay out (and light) the candles in jars with ribbons tied round them - either side, all along the dark path to the church door to guide people there (the main light wasn't working so we needed it, as well as it looking pretty). I was then a greeter at the end of the said path. Those candles looked so christmassy and pretty, and it was lovely to be there to hear all the nice comments about them, and see how excited the children were to follow them. It was cold out there, and coming back in to the packed church for carols afterwards was very welcome. Such a simple thing - but it made me feel the spirit of Christmas far more than sitting at my regular place at the bar, drunk as a skunk, ever did. The parties I'm most looking forward to this year are actually my regular AA groups 'Meet and Eats'.

How things can change in under two years!

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Old 12-18-2015, 12:56 AM
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Thanks, Ken! A very good post that gets to the heart of the matter.
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Old 12-18-2015, 06:48 AM
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I'm glad there's a ton of us celebrating Christmas here at SR
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