Some thank yous, a hello, and my brief story. Day 9 sober. Month 10 clean.
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Join Date: Dec 2015
Posts: 8
Some thank yous, a hello, and my brief story. Day 9 sober. Month 10 clean.
Hello! I was planning on lurking forever, but in the few days since I found this site I have already felt the sense of community I was lacking in this stage of my recovery. I know from the past and my own values and beliefs that AA is not the program for me, though I respect it fully and am grateful for the support it has granted to others, and for the support that I know will always be waiting there for me if I do need it.
I would also like to thank you all, because the infancy of any type of sobriety is one of the hardest stages, and in this last week, coming to this forum during intense moments of cravings has helped me distract myself with inspiration until the moments have passed. THANK YOU. I do not yet have as much support in this new place in my life as I would like so I sought out an alternate form and found this beautiful community and all of you beautiful people. Again, you can't imagine how grateful I am for all of you sharing your stories and selves.
I began using heroin and other drugs at the ripe ol' age of 14. I didn't have a particularly bad childhood, I just had addictive genes, a father who was not a good influence, and an amazingly intense sense of adventure and rebellion. At such a young age this, in my mind, meant drugs and alcohol too. I'll spare you the typical details but I did have a great time for many years, I kept my morals, I have stayed completely out of legal trouble (a lot of this had to do with luck), and I was also lucky enough to have avoided medical and other problems.
In the last few years my addictions finally spiraled me into that world of hopelessness, despair, suicidal depression, inability to care for myself in the most basic of ways.. because I didn't care. I wanted to, but caring was so hard. Everything seemed so hard and scary that I continued to do the only thing I really knew how to do.. get high and get drunk. I attempted suicide many times, I pushed my limits so often in an attempt at self destruction I'm surprised I didn't succeed.
I finally, at 25, got this bright idea of no longer wasting my time trying something that wasn't working. 1. I obviously sucked at self destruction if I was still failing, so I probably needed to try something else instead. 2. I was sick of the repetition. To put it frankly, being a mess became.. boring? 3. I knew there was something else.. I realized I was just scared of what that 'something else' would be, what it would take to find, to thrive in. I also knew enough was enough and it was time to face my fears. I also knew that I didn't even want to die, it was my fears and addictions trying to blur views of any other options.
It was valentine's day of 2014. I was with a friend at a neat vegan valentine's day party. I would have had a blast if I'd not been preoccupied with the bags of heroin in my pocket and the liquor in my van. As I sat in my car, having left this great get together and a good friend early to go shoot some more drugs and drink some more liquor, I pulled the bags of heroin from my pocket and stared down at them while an epiphany began to brew. From the back of my mind the thought trickled and formed and marched forward. Front and center, it said "Hey, if you didn't have this in your life, you would have EVERYTHING else in your life instead. Why wouldn't you trade one terrible thing for all the wonders of the world? It is valentine's day and you are loveless, almost friendless, aimless, a completely lost mess of what could be a beautiful person.. and those things in your hand? That bottle over there? This is what is holding you back. It's time to move on."
I have been ten months clean since the day after Valentine's day. I got clean my own way. I did taper my addictions. I do not think I could have quit heroin and drugs if not for alcohol.
Nine days ago, it was time to finally quit the alcohol.
After I have my feet firmly on the ground with my sobriety I will be quitting the nicotine and cutting down on unhealthy foods and caffeine. One step at a time though. If I overwhelm myself and try to take on too much at once, I will fail.
I did not realize until recently, that although my major problem was drugs, I have not been 9 days sober in... years? I feel alcohol was a side product of my major drug addictions, but I will NOT allow that to let me lie to myself or not take my recovery from alcohol seriously. I am an addict all around, and especially because it is so available, I have to take my alcohol recovery as serious as my drug recovery.
Thank you for letting me share my story. That felt good. The more I speak of my recovery, the more I vocalise that I DO NOT (not cannot, but do not) do drugs and DO NOT drink, the stronger these personal truths become; the faster they evolve from truths to cold hard facts.
I apologize if this was scattered. I am on a very terrible tablet and if I attempt to scroll back I will likely lose this whole post or mess it up. This thing is the worst to type on.
I would also like to add that after about month four of being clean, life got absolutely MAGICAL. I can't even wait to see how much more magical it will be after getting over the initial hump of sobriety anxiety.
<3
I would also like to thank you all, because the infancy of any type of sobriety is one of the hardest stages, and in this last week, coming to this forum during intense moments of cravings has helped me distract myself with inspiration until the moments have passed. THANK YOU. I do not yet have as much support in this new place in my life as I would like so I sought out an alternate form and found this beautiful community and all of you beautiful people. Again, you can't imagine how grateful I am for all of you sharing your stories and selves.
I began using heroin and other drugs at the ripe ol' age of 14. I didn't have a particularly bad childhood, I just had addictive genes, a father who was not a good influence, and an amazingly intense sense of adventure and rebellion. At such a young age this, in my mind, meant drugs and alcohol too. I'll spare you the typical details but I did have a great time for many years, I kept my morals, I have stayed completely out of legal trouble (a lot of this had to do with luck), and I was also lucky enough to have avoided medical and other problems.
In the last few years my addictions finally spiraled me into that world of hopelessness, despair, suicidal depression, inability to care for myself in the most basic of ways.. because I didn't care. I wanted to, but caring was so hard. Everything seemed so hard and scary that I continued to do the only thing I really knew how to do.. get high and get drunk. I attempted suicide many times, I pushed my limits so often in an attempt at self destruction I'm surprised I didn't succeed.
I finally, at 25, got this bright idea of no longer wasting my time trying something that wasn't working. 1. I obviously sucked at self destruction if I was still failing, so I probably needed to try something else instead. 2. I was sick of the repetition. To put it frankly, being a mess became.. boring? 3. I knew there was something else.. I realized I was just scared of what that 'something else' would be, what it would take to find, to thrive in. I also knew enough was enough and it was time to face my fears. I also knew that I didn't even want to die, it was my fears and addictions trying to blur views of any other options.
It was valentine's day of 2014. I was with a friend at a neat vegan valentine's day party. I would have had a blast if I'd not been preoccupied with the bags of heroin in my pocket and the liquor in my van. As I sat in my car, having left this great get together and a good friend early to go shoot some more drugs and drink some more liquor, I pulled the bags of heroin from my pocket and stared down at them while an epiphany began to brew. From the back of my mind the thought trickled and formed and marched forward. Front and center, it said "Hey, if you didn't have this in your life, you would have EVERYTHING else in your life instead. Why wouldn't you trade one terrible thing for all the wonders of the world? It is valentine's day and you are loveless, almost friendless, aimless, a completely lost mess of what could be a beautiful person.. and those things in your hand? That bottle over there? This is what is holding you back. It's time to move on."
I have been ten months clean since the day after Valentine's day. I got clean my own way. I did taper my addictions. I do not think I could have quit heroin and drugs if not for alcohol.
Nine days ago, it was time to finally quit the alcohol.
After I have my feet firmly on the ground with my sobriety I will be quitting the nicotine and cutting down on unhealthy foods and caffeine. One step at a time though. If I overwhelm myself and try to take on too much at once, I will fail.
I did not realize until recently, that although my major problem was drugs, I have not been 9 days sober in... years? I feel alcohol was a side product of my major drug addictions, but I will NOT allow that to let me lie to myself or not take my recovery from alcohol seriously. I am an addict all around, and especially because it is so available, I have to take my alcohol recovery as serious as my drug recovery.
Thank you for letting me share my story. That felt good. The more I speak of my recovery, the more I vocalise that I DO NOT (not cannot, but do not) do drugs and DO NOT drink, the stronger these personal truths become; the faster they evolve from truths to cold hard facts.
I apologize if this was scattered. I am on a very terrible tablet and if I attempt to scroll back I will likely lose this whole post or mess it up. This thing is the worst to type on.
I would also like to add that after about month four of being clean, life got absolutely MAGICAL. I can't even wait to see how much more magical it will be after getting over the initial hump of sobriety anxiety.
<3
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 4,251
What a great post level up, I am so glad you decided to register and join in. Your 10 months clean is so inspiring and something to be massively proud of.
It sounds like you have a really solid head on your shoulders and have thought this through carefully and have a good plan. It is great to hear that you realize what a demon you are up against with the alcohol. Good plan too on eventually quitting the nicotine and unhealthy foods.
So great to have you here!
It sounds like you have a really solid head on your shoulders and have thought this through carefully and have a good plan. It is great to hear that you realize what a demon you are up against with the alcohol. Good plan too on eventually quitting the nicotine and unhealthy foods.
So great to have you here!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 1,222
Welcome to the board Levelup, and likewise I thought that was terrific post. Kicking the drugs was a great achievement and expect kicking the alcohol to be just as tough but you have already shown that you can do it. Do continue to read around the site as much as you can and post as often as you can.
!Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Georgia
Posts: 3,062
Wow....just wow! Thank you for sharing these thoughts; I"m so glad you decided to post and share your recovery journey.....such inspiration in your words. THIS is what makes SR such a fantastic place....the people are so real with their words....perhaps it is because we can be because we are anonymous. It also let's us practice and play out our thoughts with other people so that we can take ourselves and be brave and strong in the real face to face world. Thank you and so glad you are here!
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Join Date: Dec 2015
Posts: 8
Thank you for the welcomes and kind words! I don't venture onto the internet often, but have made it a habit to get on this site daily, especially when the AV (I just learned that term and am glad to have a name for it) kicks in. I tried half assed to quit drinking for a few months now. I wasn't quite ready until ten days ago so of course it didn't work. I am actually finding it much harder to quit than heroin because of the availibility of it. If heroin was something I could just walk into the store and buy I'd be screwed. I used to get so annoyed when I was a drug addict, that I could not go buy even codeine or something of the sort over the counter, but now I hope those laws NEVER change because it has helped me immensely. Not that I do not want alcohol sold.. this is my responsibility, not that of the government. But.. damn.. that availibility.
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Join Date: Dec 2015
Posts: 8
I have been overwhelmed about my near future- finding a job at 26 with nothing to put on a resume, finding a place to live besides mom's couch, committing to some hobbies.. basically making something of myself and feeling as if I have to make up for lost time as fast as possible, an unrealistic feeling I can not shake. I am especially overwhelmed by all of this today. Before I could even process any feelings today though, from the moment of waking up I was very sad. It has developed into depression. For the last couple of months, even while drinking, I had been completely depression free so I am slightly panicked at feeling this again. I'm hoping it's my brain chemistry throwing a fit and the AV desperately pulling out every trick it can..
Anyway, I was going to go outside today with my dog and do something. It is gloomy and FREEZING (I bet this has a bit to do with my mood).
I feel as if I am slowly caving today and am worried I will give in. The store, all the stores.. they're mere blocks away.
I feel as if I should get out of the house. I'm afraid just driving past a store will turn into driving to the store.
So I feel as if I should stay in. I'm worried that this is helping me sink further though. Since this is my mom's small house and not my own space, I get cabin fever often.
I'm not quite sure what to do.
There is an AA meeting at 5:30 a couple miles away. I'm thinking of going but am worried I will not make it past all of the stores.
I feel like I'm going crazy from the cravings today. I know they will pass, I've been through this with the drugs, I just am worried, because of the nature of my depression today, that I will say "**** it" and get a bottle. My AV is working overtime today. This is the worst craving I've had, it has lasted SINCE I WOKE UP five hours ago, and all of my tools and tactics aren't working well at all today.
Damn you AV, give it a rest today will ya?
Anyway, I was going to go outside today with my dog and do something. It is gloomy and FREEZING (I bet this has a bit to do with my mood).
I feel as if I am slowly caving today and am worried I will give in. The store, all the stores.. they're mere blocks away.
I feel as if I should get out of the house. I'm afraid just driving past a store will turn into driving to the store.
So I feel as if I should stay in. I'm worried that this is helping me sink further though. Since this is my mom's small house and not my own space, I get cabin fever often.
I'm not quite sure what to do.
There is an AA meeting at 5:30 a couple miles away. I'm thinking of going but am worried I will not make it past all of the stores.
I feel like I'm going crazy from the cravings today. I know they will pass, I've been through this with the drugs, I just am worried, because of the nature of my depression today, that I will say "**** it" and get a bottle. My AV is working overtime today. This is the worst craving I've had, it has lasted SINCE I WOKE UP five hours ago, and all of my tools and tactics aren't working well at all today.
Damn you AV, give it a rest today will ya?
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Join Date: Dec 2015
Posts: 8
I've realized that I'm allowing myself to sit here and do nothing distracting because I'm wallowing in this pity of "I need to do something for my future.. work on finding a job or housing." I'm much too overwhelmed to do anything of the sort right now, but after browsing the forum for a while more it hit me that staying sober today, no matter how IS doing something for my future. I'm not ready for the bigger things today, so I think it's okay to set them aside and work on the now. Now that I have given myself permission to do this I've decided to go get some (non alcoholic) yummy beverage (I will probably go through a drive thru to avoid the store) and get myself to that AA meeting. Maybe by the time it is over this craving will pass. Maybe I can find some more supportive people to lean on. And maybe when I wake up sober tomorrow I will thank myself for giving myself permission to work on today instead of the future.. because the future is what is stressing me out right now.
I'm very glad I found this place. I'm one of those people whose thoughts are sometimes all there but very scattered, and it takes some vocalizing to sort them out on occasion.
I'm very glad I found this place. I'm one of those people whose thoughts are sometimes all there but very scattered, and it takes some vocalizing to sort them out on occasion.
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