Blu96

After 3 years, HE left ME? I've been there and stuck by his side and he leaves me out of nowhere. Even though we had issues, I can't help feel like this is my fault. I made it so he couldn't talk to me about what he's going through and somehow pushed him away. If he just opened up about the baggage and demons he says he has, I know I could have helped him. And now he's just so cold. My whole life changed and I can't deal. I still worry about him and wonder if he's taking care of himself. Why did he decide to internalize when we were talking babies and marriage. I can't understand what happened. He's like a stranger now. He barely have me an explanation and that was through text! This is my first relationship with an alcoholic.

KiKi0615

I'm so sorry. Maybe it will be better in the long run? Maybe it's a blessing in disguise??? It's very hard to be married to an alcoholic. Just ask my poor husband. :-( Again, I'm so sorry....

Wastinglife

This may be a good thing and save you much grief in the future. Do you really want to marry and have kids with an active alcoholic? Alcohol destroys marriages and really affects children who have to grow up with an alcoholic parent

Bekindalways

Blu96, I am so very sorry that you are going through this. The pain of this kind of experience is indeed unbelievable.

Please give alanon or codependent meetings a try. These can be helpful. In any case take specially good care of yourself right now; stay hydrated, get exercise and eat well. Also let us know how your are doing.

Blu96

But I helped him to reduce his drinking. And he said he was working on it. I believed him. I saw him improve so much. I thought if I showed him unconditional love and support that he was worthy of such a thing. Maybe I'm broken...

Blu96

He wasn't abusive or violent. And when he was sober he was amazing. We had talked about kids and I brought up his drinking. He said that he would stop when we had kids. I sound so dumb. What is wrong with me? Apparently I'm broken... But he did try. I feel like maybe I pushed him away but I can't see how. He just got more and more distant.

Blu96

We both had "daddy" issues but where it made me very loving and empathetic, it made him closed off. I'm probably a little codependent now that you mention it. I think he drinks to self medicate. But he was able to open up to me and all I can think of is the good stuff. Love must be blind. I will look into those meetings. I feel like my life revolved around him and his drinking. I would always drive and I would sleep lightly to make sure and check on him while he drank and passed out.

ubntubnt

hi Blu, really sorry to hear what you have been going through. Please do try to read through the site as much as you can because you will see your story repeated many hundreds of times with scary predictability, especially in the friends and family section. I myself am a recovering alcoholic and I can help give you some perspective .

The hard terrible truth is this: for an alcoholic or drug addict their addiction to the drug/alcohol is stronger than any other relationship in their life. An alcoholic will harm and burn anything or anyone in an increasingly progressive way until the either die or quit. Nothing you can do can make him quit unless he is willing to do. Your relationship with an alcoholic is not a normal relationship so don't treat it as such. Addiction is not logical so normal rules and logic don't apply...that means you can't fix it by making sense of it.

What you can do is seek support and educate yourself and learn about how to cope with it. Welcome to the site, you now have a great chase to understand this awful thing that is happening to you.

To answer some of your questions:

the baggage he refers to = alcohol addiction
his demons = alcohol addiction
him being amazingly kind and then leaving you = alcoholic behavior
him blowing hot and then ice cold = typical alcoholic behavior
the relationship between the amount of love any woman shows any alcoholic and their ability to kick his addiction = zero
him not being abusive or violent = very common in alcoholics, me included
an alcoholic saying they will stop in the future = worthless
the chances of you being broken in some way = extremely low. You sound great

He sounds like an almost textbook alcoholic. My strong advice to you is to read up on this addiction and understand it before you give yourself any more guilt. Maybe attend an alanon support group to help you along also. Good luck Blu, sorry this happened to you.

Soberwolf

Welcome Blu youl find a lot of support here

Blu96

Thank you so much for your response. I keep going over things in my head and feel like the biggest fool. It's sad because he is only 26 years old and I wanted to show him he was a good person and worthy of love. If anything, I hope he evaluates his life and makes the proper changes he needs. In the meantime, I need to stop glorifying our relationship. It's so irrational the thoughts and feelings I have.

Thanks again.

Blu96

Thank you. A lot of insight already.

ubntubnt

You know, he might well be a good person. Being an addict does;t make you a bad person but it does make you behave badly. You did all the right things in trying to make the relationship work but nobody really teaches us how to cope with alcoholism when we are growing up. Not how to handle it if we are addicted or how to cope if the person we love is addicted.

All too often, because of this the problem goes misdiagnosed or tolerated until it is too late. In my case, I had a drinking problem for many years without even realizing it. I know that sounds crazy but the thing is that all my friends were heavy drinkers and it ever so slowly crept up on me into all aspects of my life. Likewise, if you can believe this, when I told my wife I was an alcoholic she refused to believe me. Its a really hard truth to face.

You didn't do anything wrong and there is no need to feel foolish but if you go soul searching for answers beyond the obvious fact that he is an alcoholic it will likely be a fools errand. He would be an alcoholic irrespective of how much or how little you loved him. You should let him go and sort his problem out and you start the process of taking care of yourself. Maybe your paths cross again, maybe they don't. I will leave it at that now, there are many here who can help you who been through what you are grappling with.
Take care.

Blu96

He used to do Coke and meth before I knew him. After he joined the Marine Corps, he couldn't do the drugs so he quit those cold turkey and took up drinking. A way to self medicate my therapist says. But I clearly need to take care of myself if even though I know all this, I still somehow want him back home and in my arms. If I was giving advice to my friend, I'd tell her she's ludicrous. But I keep finding excuses for him.

He still says he can stop drinking whenever he wants but he just doesn't want to. One of our mutual friends told me if he had to choose between buying me a ring and using a bottle, he'd buy the bottle and drink away. It's such a feeling of rejection for me. Like I did all these things.

In any case, this is what I've been doing the past 3 weeks is analyzing the crap out of everything and trying to find other reasons why we didn't work out besides the alcoholism. Thanks for listening to my nonsensical babble.

Ally89

Hi blu.

I'm so sorry this has happened to you. I came here 3 months ago in the same place and asking all the same questions. Please feel free to read over my old threads, especially the first. It certainly helped me to know I wasn't alone and the exact thing had happened to others.

As others have already said please do not blame yourself. He is doing what alcoholics do. Post over in friends and family when you have questions or want to vent. There is so much knowledge there that helped me xx

Blu96

Thank you Ally89. I will definitely look for your threads. I feel like I go in circles in my head. It's exhausting but it I can't stop. Even when I have moments of clarity, I someone find a way to go around it and make other excuses. I think also I feel like the biggest fool to have glossed over his issue. I always thought we'd overcome anything.

JD

Welcome Blu. I'd suggest you read lots of the threads in the Friends and Families of alcoholics forum. There's a lot of good insight there. As I've seen it said there, "if you could love them sober none of us would be here". Unfortunately all the love and caring in the world is not going to make an alcoholic sober up until he's ready to.

Nowsthetime

Hello:

I think that in a twisted way you should be thankful because he ended it. Sounds like you would not have and it may be the best thing because getting involved and having children with an alcoholic can be really tough. You are not broken. Think about the kind of life you want to have and remember you only get one. I agree with everything that others pointed out. Maybe he will see that you are gone and realize he has to change for himself. Be strong, it's a tough situation but it's happening for a reason.