Letter to my husband
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2015
Posts: 9
Letter to my husband
*
I wrote the following today....I need help.
Dear (husband's name)
Our last talk seems to have had no effect on you.* You promised me no more secret drinking, you promised me transparency to build trust. You have lied again.
You were drunk Wednesday, November 4th (obviously).* I gave you a few opportunities to tell me the truth….you didn’t.* Our son asked me why you were acting all weird.* He said you seemed happy, then angry, and then really really sad.* I told him not to worry about it, but yes, Dad is acting weird.
“Alcoholism is a cunning and baffling disease. Alcoholics transact in lies and drama and will use any means necessary to keep drinking until they are ready & willing to stop.”
I need to make some decisions. Am I ok living this way? I am NOT okay with the deceit, the sneakiness, and the cash withdrawals for you to drink secretly in the basement.* I am not okay with you asking for money for gas, when you have cash tucked away. I am not okay with you lying to me……EVER.*
What are your decisions about how you want to live your life?
You are going to continue to drink until YOU decide you don’t want to anymore. That may be never, therefore, I need to focus on myself and our son.
I am not going to pose the question to choose me or alcohol.* I know better; and I know your answer will be me (of course)…but,* “Alcoholism is a cunning and baffling disease. Alcoholics transact in lies and drama and will use any means necessary to keep drinking until they are ready & willing to stop.”
I have asked you what you need from me to support you?* I have asked multiple times what is wrong?* I have asked if you are unhappy?* I have tried to figure your behaviours out.*
With that being said, I can only take responsibility for myself.* Will I be resentful if you continue to drink secretly and continue to be deceitful?* Yes, and that will have a very negative impact on our relationship.* Marriage, is based on transparency, honesty and trust, and these values are in jeopardy when you withhold the truth from me.*
I’m not ready to give you an ultimatum (yet), because when I do, I will need to be prepared to follow through on the consequence…and that consequence will be final.
I have supported you through some really rough times.* I have been there for you every time, but seeing you sink like the titanic is killing me, and I can not go down with the ship.* I’ve lost too much already.
I love you, and I want us to grow stronger together.* I want us to both be happy with ourselves and each other.* I want us to strive to be better people.
Me.
BTW. ..I'm new to this group. I have not given him this letter. I don't really know if I'm ready to implode our relationship.
I wrote the following today....I need help.
Dear (husband's name)
Our last talk seems to have had no effect on you.* You promised me no more secret drinking, you promised me transparency to build trust. You have lied again.
You were drunk Wednesday, November 4th (obviously).* I gave you a few opportunities to tell me the truth….you didn’t.* Our son asked me why you were acting all weird.* He said you seemed happy, then angry, and then really really sad.* I told him not to worry about it, but yes, Dad is acting weird.
“Alcoholism is a cunning and baffling disease. Alcoholics transact in lies and drama and will use any means necessary to keep drinking until they are ready & willing to stop.”
I need to make some decisions. Am I ok living this way? I am NOT okay with the deceit, the sneakiness, and the cash withdrawals for you to drink secretly in the basement.* I am not okay with you asking for money for gas, when you have cash tucked away. I am not okay with you lying to me……EVER.*
What are your decisions about how you want to live your life?
You are going to continue to drink until YOU decide you don’t want to anymore. That may be never, therefore, I need to focus on myself and our son.
I am not going to pose the question to choose me or alcohol.* I know better; and I know your answer will be me (of course)…but,* “Alcoholism is a cunning and baffling disease. Alcoholics transact in lies and drama and will use any means necessary to keep drinking until they are ready & willing to stop.”
I have asked you what you need from me to support you?* I have asked multiple times what is wrong?* I have asked if you are unhappy?* I have tried to figure your behaviours out.*
With that being said, I can only take responsibility for myself.* Will I be resentful if you continue to drink secretly and continue to be deceitful?* Yes, and that will have a very negative impact on our relationship.* Marriage, is based on transparency, honesty and trust, and these values are in jeopardy when you withhold the truth from me.*
I’m not ready to give you an ultimatum (yet), because when I do, I will need to be prepared to follow through on the consequence…and that consequence will be final.
I have supported you through some really rough times.* I have been there for you every time, but seeing you sink like the titanic is killing me, and I can not go down with the ship.* I’ve lost too much already.
I love you, and I want us to grow stronger together.* I want us to both be happy with ourselves and each other.* I want us to strive to be better people.
Me.
BTW. ..I'm new to this group. I have not given him this letter. I don't really know if I'm ready to implode our relationship.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,445
Hi and welcome bellagoo 
If you do decide to give this letter to you husband, I think you should be prepared for the fact it may not change anything.
I had a lot of deep discussion, a few ultimatums and and a couple of letters.
Nothing worked until I was ready to let go and make changes.
Maybe this could be your husbands turning point, maybe not.
I realise it's hard to think about a future where you walk away, but I think you need to think about yourself and what you need and want.
You'll find a lot of support and ideas here
I'm really glad you found us, and I see you've found the Family and Friends forum too - that will help as well
D
If you do decide to give this letter to you husband, I think you should be prepared for the fact it may not change anything.
I had a lot of deep discussion, a few ultimatums and and a couple of letters.
Nothing worked until I was ready to let go and make changes.
Maybe this could be your husbands turning point, maybe not.
I realise it's hard to think about a future where you walk away, but I think you need to think about yourself and what you need and want.
You'll find a lot of support and ideas here
I'm really glad you found us, and I see you've found the Family and Friends forum too - that will help as well
D
Member
Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: Earth
Posts: 607
've been told something to this effect a few times. Unfortunately it took a to follow through for it to hit home. He can get through it he really wants to. Make it easy on him and he probably won't see a reason to stop. I wouldn't have until they buried me.
An addicts drug of choice gives him comfort (at least short term). In order to stop it has to become less comfortable to continue than to get clean. There's nothing wrong with offering support but you don't have to accept bad behavior.
Good Luck
An addicts drug of choice gives him comfort (at least short term). In order to stop it has to become less comfortable to continue than to get clean. There's nothing wrong with offering support but you don't have to accept bad behavior.
Good Luck
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