11 months in
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 10,912
Originally Posted by Justincredible 
Thanks for the support! I know maturity didn't coincide with drinking/using and I always opted for the easy way out of things, not being a very reliable person to friends and family. But, before my drinking days I always had a sense of maturity that seemed a little ahead of my age, for example, hanging out with people a bit older than me a lot, taking interest in science and spirituality that no friends my age were interested in etc.... I kind of feel that returning and balancing out, it feels good to mature I guess. I used to fear getting older, now at 36 its not so scary!
I'll share something very recent with you. Something interesting in this context that I've been experiencing in the last ~2 weeks: I'm spending time in my home city where I grew up. Met many people that were important in my adolescent and young adult years (all pre-25) and they fall within the age range of ~38-80 themselves. I hung out with them individually, in groups, with most of them multiple times so far in many different contexts. I still can't deny my strong preference for being with people that are at least 15-20 years my senior -- I've had this pattern in my whole life in all sorts of relationships. As for the origin of it... of course there are the "daddy issues" (I think it's become a bit stronger now that he died recently), but I am convinced there is also a massive general maturity component reflected in knowledge, life experience, interests, world view, everyone's internal landscape and orientation to life and the impending death. Two people with whom I feel by far the closest and most attached are 63 and 76. Originally I met both via my father in my teens, they were his friends first and often visited our home, then we developed an attraction independently of my dad and became best friends. The younger man was a math/physics professor, later a private tutor and he gave me a few classes when I was prepping for university entrance exams in my late teens. The older guy was a scientist, journalist, book author. Both of them are retired now. So interesting for me to talk with them again now to see how they view their life looking back.
Are they at peace? Satisfied? Mostly not at all, but in some things, yes. And in some ways, they are bored and jaded. It's a great opportunity for me to re-think my long-term goals as well, keeping things in mind that they have come to regret and miss, wishing they had made different choices earlier in life. The encounter also has a strong element of sadness and anticipatory grief in it: it's quite likely that this is our last encounter in person, at least with the older man. I just sold my property here and now there won't be any tie for me here or a reason to visit as both of my parents are dead and the relationships with other relatives I still have are not strong. So a time of goodbye for me in many ways here and now. Again.
What's also interesting is that I've already "created" a still relatively new (<1 year) relationship where I'm settled now in the US, with my therapist. He's (of course) also like 25 years older than me and certainly a kind of father figure. Quite different in terms of personality and behavior from my dad and these old friends though, and I think the main area where the difference is strongest definitely reflects my own personal development, especially post-drinking. The therapist is much more openly affectionate... but his style of affection is very far from affectation, anything dull, ordinary, inauthentic or distasteful. He is not afraid to show vulnerability and needs. An emotionally outstandingly mature person I think, something I'd never really found in my father, good friends, lovers, etc earlier in my life (they tended to put the most emphasis on intellect and often denied their emotional needs, just like myself). Well, now my husband is a bit like my therapist as well even though quite a bit younger in age. Interesting to reflect on these more recent choices of mine for interpersonal relationships. I'm happy with them because I feel I already passed some of the barriers my dad or my old friends had not. And you know what, I strongly feel that my recovery from alcoholism played an essential role in this process by forcing me to continuously review and revise both my internal and external life, what's truly important for me at this stage of life. All this provides a much higher sense of mental balance than what I ever experienced earlier, drinking or pre-drinking. Of course lots of new challenges also come with trying to be able to stand up to my new-found values.
Okay, story end for now
I just decided to share all this here on your thread, Justin, because I thought you might find some interesting and potentially relevant bits in it for yourself and because of your interest in the workings of the psyche. And it's good for me to make a summary and reflect on it while sharing.Again, congrats on your progress
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Canada
Posts: 750
Originally Posted by Aellyce
I had the same experience. Yet again, no surprise that we find familiarity in each-other's posts, be it actual experiences or style, attitude, interests.
Thanks for the response very interesting.I can remember as a teen visiting my cousins for a weekend and ending up drinking coffee with my uncle discussing authors and philosophy. He has since become one of my favourite uncles, although I rarely see him anymore. I enjoyed reading about your experience with older friends; most interesting is how you have gotten to speak with them now after such a period of time, and find out how things have sort of "turned out" for them in the longer term. It gives you the opportunity to look at your own life and think about the path you are on regarding some of the goals and values you may have adopted along the way (hope I'm close to the mark with this last sentence). It really gets me thinking about some of my relationships a little deeper.
Great stuff to think about! Glad you are doing well.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
