SoberFreckles

Hello,
I am less than a week away from a year sober and all my emotions are in complete disarray. I am doing all I can to hold it together and not drink, although my bingeing has got so out of control that I actually just started to binge on KALE CHIPS because there is nothing left in the house and I cannot go to the shops in case I cannot resist the alcohol.
My mind is like a washing machine. Constantly churning and tumbling and undermining me. Too many feelings to just sit with. It seems like there will never be any peace.
I'm not totally convinced alcohol is going to give me any peace either. In fact, I know it won't, but I suck so much at filling myself up from the inside that I just don't know how else to deal with this.

I have tried mindfulness, am in therapy and am on meds, so I am trying stuff. Just clearly not the right stuff.

Soberwolf

Stick close to SR tonight & keep reading & keep posting

Nonsensical

Congrats on 51+weeks!

I am sure it's frustrating, but just keep trying. You'll eventually find the right combination of things that work for you.

You are doing this!

PurpleKnight

1 Year is fantastic!!

Coming onto SR is a great move, there's someone here 24/7, lean on us for support!!

alphaomega

A long walk in the direction OPPOSITE of the bottle shop might help.

A year is incredible ! Imagine, having to go through withdrawls again ? Kindling ? PAWS ? The fear and self loathing.

ccam1973

Awesome job on your upcoming year anniversary SF. That's a huge accomplishment.

You're doing great.

SoberFreckles

Thanks for the messages of support.

I think I need goals. Something else to work for. Something tangible that will bring benefits along the way. Not that being sober isn't a worthwhile goal, but the rest of my life seems to just drift along, going nowhere.
I guess at least it's going nowhere without hangovers.

Anna

Be very proud of what you've accomplished.

And, I agree that maybe you need to work on some other areas of your life to help you feel better about things. Balance in recovery is very important.

oldsoul1122

Milestones are important and can cause anxiety but in reality it's another sober day. Try not to think about it, stay busy in the present today and enjoy the moment so you won't be overwhelmed. You don't need to sabotage yourself anymore. And congratulations!

escapist

Happy Dance !!! You have gone a year! You are wonderful.

YoungAndClean

Good job and thanks for this post. I can so relate to the feelings you describe. It seems that the more time I get the more "staying sober" feels less and less of an accomplishment in and of itself.

Berrybean

This time last year (at 7 month sober) I was in pretty much the same place. Half the time I felt like I'd been hit by a tsunami.

For me, the way that this started to change this was when I got a sponsor and started working through the 12-steps in AA. Then I started to alter my skewed perspective and was able to sort through the emotional rubble, diffuse a few old emotional bombs that were still ticking away, and think about using that old battle-field to create some grass that's greener on THIS side of the fence.

The step work did what my counsellor couldn't. Taught me how to DEAL with all that old emotional stuff, and how to deal with new stuff in the future as well. Things are so much better.

maverickspoint

Do you have any creative hobbies? Creative writing, art, music? I introduced an emotionally struggling friend of mine to creative writing recently and it helped her, a lot! She just opened up on paper, got really deep and cleared some demons. It can be some temporary alleviation and clarification when your mind is in chaos.

SoberFreckles

I don't very often think of it as an accomplishment. Like, if I can do it, it can't actually be that hard. And also, what's the point if I am not now having a whizzy, amazing new life?
Of course, when I am reading other people's stories, I very much see what they have achieved and how hard it is.

SoberFreckles

I think this is a huge gap in my life. I feel my entire existence is a creativity free zone. Kind of dead, I suppose, if you look at it like that. Devoid of expression and creation. I need to kick myself up the backside and do these things. Thanks for the suggestion.

maverickspoint

No worries, the best thing about creativity is it can come in many forms, it isn't always about trying to produce something amazing, it can be as simple as getting a piece of paper and writing the first 20 words that pop into your head as fast as you can! Sometimes the process just taps into a deep subconscious and you inadvertently start to let things out. You may surprised at what comes out.

Hevyn

I'm glad you wanted to talk things over, SoberFreckles. Be proud of yourself for reaching a year sober.

Tooshabby

Congratulations, SoberFreckles!! Yes, maybe these feelings you are experiencing are not about drinking as much as signaling a desire to introduce something else into your life. A new, exciting phase :-)

SportsFan15

I was sober 1.5 years and felt similar "what's the point if I don't feel better now?" Many folks on SR have encouraged me to work the steps, like Beccybean says. I relapsed and found I felt SO MUCH WORSE. You are not going to do that, though.....you reached out and that is great. Treat it as just another day.

Then find yourself a creative outlet. Consider the steps. I'm still considering working them too. 😊