FindingAmy

Hello all. I'm new to this site and pretty new to the whole "married to an alcoholic" life. But that is about to end since my husband wants to leave me. He wants absolutely nothing to do with me. I dealt with his drinking for 25 years (and didn't know about it until recently, very high functioning alcoholic), nursed him back to health after heart surgery, started a business with him, raised two kids with him, etc. You all know the story. We've been in therapy for about a month and he said he doesn't love me anymore and wants to leave. I see the role I've played. I see the codependence. I see I only wanted to be loved and tried to control everything. I've lived our entire marriage trying to get him to be different rather than focusing on myself. I got completely lost in "fixing" him. Now that he's sober (6 months), it's like he woke up out of a trance. He lost 50 pounds (which I've been begging him to do for years), worksout constantly, eats healthy, looks amazing and says he's happier than he's been. I can't help but feel like I caused this. I made this happen. He's tried to fix the marriage over the years but I've been so stubborn. I felt like this was his fault and now that he's leaving I can't help but feel like it's mine. My therapist feels that I think I am dependent on him for my happiness and it's ironic that I think I am since for 25 years I've blamed my misery on him. I'm so sad. I've never been a crier and I've cried more in the last two weeks than I have in 49 years. I said to him this morning that AA says you shouldn't make big life changes in the first year because you will have so many other changes going on. I have changed as well. But he doesn't care. We haven't been intimate for 5 years as he isn't able. But when I try to hug him he has a look of pain on his face. He says he just can't be intimate with me, not just sexually, but just put an arm around me. He says he just wants nothing to do with me. He is so happy and excited to start his new life. I feel like when I found out about him being an alcoholic I was hit by a tractor trailer. Now that he's leaving I feel like the truck backed up right over me again. I cannot believe how sad and down I feel. I am so afraid and sad. I really feel like I did this and he won't allow me the chance to change things.

D122y

Hi...welcome....

Never been in your situation, but I can empathize.

When I read your story, I got a little Pissed at your hubby.

So...from what I know...you get half. Let him have his cake...start to make a different life.

With so many internet dating sites you could have a nice dinner out every Friday until you meet a man that treats you right.

Eventually, he might change his mind...then the ball will be in your court.

Hope this helps.

Try to find the positive spin on the situation.

If you believe in God....pray.

Roxyblues

So sorry you are having to endure this. Married to alcoholic for any length of time is sure to drive a sane person crazy. Please find an Alanon meeting and focus in taking care if yourself right now. What you are going through is not completely uncommon. Read the Afterwards in the Big Book and see if you can identify with anything in there. Give him his space, take care of yourself, be strong and be independent or at least fake until you make it right now. Ask a higher power for strength and direction. Hang in there.

IOAA2

hi and welcome.

Alcoholism is a very complicated disease and is often baffling to the professional helpers thus the low recovery results.

The help for you is at Al Anon meetings and on this site “Friends and Families”, a separate forum with what I call a lot of practical help that works if we work it. That’s not saying we always like what we hear.

BE WELL

ast1

This is a big situation to deal with. But your tag name is finding Amy. Sometimes we have to back up to move forward. So start finding you again. You never know what that could change.

Dee74

Hi FindingAmy - welcome

I'm sorry - that's *really* rough.

You will find help and support here tho, both in the forum and also in our Family and Friends forum too.

you're not alone

D

JD

I was at the other end of this. After being sober for 9 months my wife of 22 years decided she didn't want to be married to me any more. It broke my heart and was devastating.

All I can say is it will get better. As bad as it seems and feels time will heal you. You do need to care of yourself and most importantly, don't fall into the trap of blaming yourself. It takes two in these situations and one of those two you can't control.

I'm 10 years away from that and just had my 6 anniversary with my second wife. Life couldn't be better!

FindingAmy

Thank you all so much. I do need the support. My friends don't understand. They are just "find a lawyer, screw him." which is not so helpful. I tried to go to an AlAnon meeting last week but it was cancelled! So I'll try again to find another. I know that this is an opportunity to find myself and work on myself. And I know that I focused so much on him for so many years so I didn't have to focus on myself. And now I do. At 49 years old I don't even know how to begin. I got married right out of college and had kids right away. This is literally starting over. And I look around my house and see shattered dreams of our future together and I have to stop doing that. We always talked about retirement and what we would do. And it was right around the corner and now the road has completely shifted. I cannot believe he's the alcoholic and I'm the one suffering. This is so unfair!

Nowsthetime

Hello:

I'm sorry about what brings you here...

My comment to you would be: do you want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you?

You deserve much better.

Lawyer up and roll with he punches. You too can be excited about this new beginning.

I also got ticked at him when I read this but you can't control him. Only yourself.

Visit the friends and family. You will find support there too.

FindingAmy

You are all so right. And reading the posts on this site is really helpful. Mainly in that what I'm feeling so many of you have also gone through. I also do feel that I need to move on. I need to focus on me and a better life for myself. Someone who wants to be with me, to stand by my side and do this life together. I always felt like I was running the show and dragging him along behind me. He said he used to make excuses not to go to anything so he could drink alone at home. I have to really focus on me. That is so much easier said then done. I don't even know how to begin. I guess being on this site is a first step. I just wish I didn't have so much fear. I look forward to being on the other side of this but I know it's a process and that the other side is very far away at this moment. I realize from your postings that even though he's not drinking the character traits are still there and that may never change. I feel so bad for my kids. My son thinks my husband is the sun and moon and I'm just the bitch. My daughter won't speak to my husband and she thinks I'm strong. We are such a house divided (figuratively, as my kids don't live at home anymore). I need strength. I need to know it's going to be ok. And nobody can assure me of that except me, and "me" is feeling a bit doubtful at the moment.

FreeOwl

I'm sorry for the painful spot you're in.

It's not your fault.

It's also not your husband's fault.

None of this is about fault.... this is your journey and this is what is unfolding for you. Fault really doesn't matter.

What you do now is what is important. How you care for yourself. How you take steps to nurture yourself. How you grow through this experience. How you open yourself to help and support. How you use this experience to deepen your understanding of Self, to find new openings to enrich your life.

25 years is a very long time... and there will be grief and pain and sorrow and loss. There will also be discovery and opportunity and revelation in at least equal measure - if you open yourself to it.

Who knows what tomorrow or the next day or the future may bring. Early recovery is a tumultuous time for everyone. Try not to focus too far out into that imagined future that doesn't exist. Try to focus right NOW on Today.... on how THIS day, you can care for yourself. How THIS day, you can grow. How THIS day, you can honor your feelings and share them and get some support.

One day at a time, this will get better.

FindingAmy

FreeOwl, your words made me cry. Thank you for the post. I will do this one day at a time. I am too focused on years ahead. It's how I have always handled things. And it causes a great deal of anxiety, which is unnecessary. You are so right. I will try and see how I can grow today and what I can do for myself today. I can see that I am still focusing on him and what he's doing which I guess is still the codependency thing. I need to learn how to make the shift to me. And yes, 25 years is a long time, and I am mourning the loss of the marriage, the family unit and all that I dreamed of having in our older years. Starting over at 49 was not part of the plan. Ok, one day at a time. I only have today. Thanks for your kind words and kind heart.

entropy1964

Hi FindingAmy
I'm so sorry for the pain you are experiencing. I'm both an alchie and a codie. Both addictions, one to a substance, the other to people, are because I have no sense of my authentic self. No sense of boundaries, my needs, my wants. Its all about other people. And when they let me down (which of course they always do because no one can give me a sense of me) I drink. Recovering from both addictions requires me to become me. Al anon might help you. The steps are really good ways of discovering self and discarding old ways of thinking and behaving that are not useful.

If I can suggest that you take time for you. Try not to fill the void you feel with something or someone. Hang in there.

FindingAmy

Thanks Frickaflip233. I see that I put my needs, wants, boundaries everything you mentioned over on the sidelines. Everything in my world has been about other people. I just found an Al-Anon meeting I will go to tonight. I can see I need alot of help in the area of focusing on me. I've never done it before and am not really sure how to even begin. Thank you for your kind words and support.

Anna

FindingAmy, I'm sorry that you are facing this situation.

You are right to recognize that you need to work on yourself and begin to move on with your life.

Bekindalways

Amy, this is just excruciatingly painful and will take quite a bit of grieving. You expressed it so eloquently when you wrote:

"I feel like when I found out about him being an alcoholic I was hit by a tractor trailer. Now that he's leaving I feel like the truck backed up right over me again."

This made me agonize for what you are going through.

One good thing about the situation is that time is on your side. Everyday that you grieve and hurt is one day closer to healing. Try to eat well, exercise if you can, and maybe start a list of activities/food/places/ anything that feels good for you. Big hug and keep coming here for support!

FindingAmy

Bekindalways, thank you for the support and encouragement. I will start making a list of things that feel good for me. I hope i can come up with something. i really am so drained and i look forward to being on the other side of this. for now i need to learn how to be me. and take care of me. such a basic concept that i can't wrap my head around. thank you for reaching out.

Mountainmanbob

Sometimes but, not always some time away from each other works out for the best.

It seems that being overly dependent on another person only pushes them away in time.

Best to concentrate on what your needs may be at this time.
Counseling ? Church ? Support groups ? Healthy (mind & soul) activities ?

Prayers just sent out for you,
M-Bob

FindingAmy

thanks mountainmanbob. i go to weekly therapy, do yoga, meditate, workout 3 times a week, eat healthy. i'm not sure what else i can do. I am going to add al-anon meetings to this list. perhaps that is my missing piece. this website certainly has helped. and i have always thought i was such an independent woman, when i see now that i was so dependent upon my AH for my happiness. which i guess explains why i was never really happy and now feel so empty. thanks for the suggestions. the support from everyone here has really warmed my heart.

PurpleKnight

Welcome to the Forum FindingAmy!!

Alcohol can be the bringer of soo much misery, there's no doubt about it, I've been on both the alcoholic side of things and the family member looking in side of the fence, and the misery caused can be awful.

But you're not alone, if there's one place that is full of understanding and like minded people, it's here on SR, people from all walks of life, all types of situations, all brought together because our lives have been touched by an addiction in some shape or form.

You'll find loads of support and advice to help!!