back and still learning
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: against the grain
Posts: 746
back and still learning
Hi everyone,
I need to talk this out a bit. After about a year and three months sober, things in my life really started turning around. I got a new job (which I start next week), making quite a bit more money, but with more responsibility. I had a huge creative burst, writing 4 new short stories, 18 new poems, 20,000 words of a novel and wrote and recorded (all on my own) 14 new songs. My wife got a new job. The kids are doing well. We are close to paying off some significant debt. I was not coming here mainly because I felt fine and secure in my sobriety. Too fine, I guess--I drank some wine a few weeks ago. I knew I shouldn't. I know that no period of sobriety, no matter how long, leads to any degree of control. But I still drank. What got me was thinking, "things are going so great, there's no way I'll screw this up. I was sober for over a year. I will get back on when work starts." I know, total BS. AV found a crack. I have not been getting smashed, but last night, I had a big dinner and a bit of wine. But that feeling of "not enough" started picking at my brain as I lie in bed. I waited for everyone to fall asleep and then went out for more. This can go downhill fast, and I'm going to put a stop to it now.
To be honest, I think I know what happened. It started when I was about 3 months into my sobriety. I developed a horrible headache after work. Super bad. I went to get some Advil and decided to get Advil PM to help me sleet. I was a big sleep aid taker for a long time. This started me back on the sleep aids and began taking them nightly. But I wasn't drinking, so I felt ok. Looking back, I began taking them in the evening for the effects they have, the numbness. I think this mental crack created by taking the sleep aids is what eventually allowed me to pick up that first drink. I have to be off everything if I am to do this.
So, I'm jumping back in, free of sleep aids. I know I can do this. But I also know that I may need to lean on you guys a bit again. I am strong, but this addiction-that's what is is, I really need to face it--will not go away.
Thanks for listening Onward.
-Malcolm
I need to talk this out a bit. After about a year and three months sober, things in my life really started turning around. I got a new job (which I start next week), making quite a bit more money, but with more responsibility. I had a huge creative burst, writing 4 new short stories, 18 new poems, 20,000 words of a novel and wrote and recorded (all on my own) 14 new songs. My wife got a new job. The kids are doing well. We are close to paying off some significant debt. I was not coming here mainly because I felt fine and secure in my sobriety. Too fine, I guess--I drank some wine a few weeks ago. I knew I shouldn't. I know that no period of sobriety, no matter how long, leads to any degree of control. But I still drank. What got me was thinking, "things are going so great, there's no way I'll screw this up. I was sober for over a year. I will get back on when work starts." I know, total BS. AV found a crack. I have not been getting smashed, but last night, I had a big dinner and a bit of wine. But that feeling of "not enough" started picking at my brain as I lie in bed. I waited for everyone to fall asleep and then went out for more. This can go downhill fast, and I'm going to put a stop to it now.
To be honest, I think I know what happened. It started when I was about 3 months into my sobriety. I developed a horrible headache after work. Super bad. I went to get some Advil and decided to get Advil PM to help me sleet. I was a big sleep aid taker for a long time. This started me back on the sleep aids and began taking them nightly. But I wasn't drinking, so I felt ok. Looking back, I began taking them in the evening for the effects they have, the numbness. I think this mental crack created by taking the sleep aids is what eventually allowed me to pick up that first drink. I have to be off everything if I am to do this.
So, I'm jumping back in, free of sleep aids. I know I can do this. But I also know that I may need to lean on you guys a bit again. I am strong, but this addiction-that's what is is, I really need to face it--will not go away.
Thanks for listening Onward.
-Malcolm
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 4,860
It's nice to hear from you, Malcolm.
I developed sleep struggles and was using Benadryl to sleep before weaning myself from them a couple months back.
Yes, heighten your vigilance. Your AV has been waiting for that crack in the door.
Stay close.
I developed sleep struggles and was using Benadryl to sleep before weaning myself from them a couple months back.
Yes, heighten your vigilance. Your AV has been waiting for that crack in the door.
Stay close.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,576
I'm so glad to see you - good that you wanted to talk about what's going on. I failed to remain vigilant & did the same thing a few times. I finally convinced myself that there would never be any control once it got in my system. Things really fell apart before I finally 'got it', though. I'm happy you're taking action, Malcolm.
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