Scared1234

My AV won. I drank until I blacked out last night. I woke up to a huge mess in my living room. I had made food for myself at 2-3am somehow. I used a stove while blackout drunk. I didn't lock any of my doors and all the windows were open. I spilt all this food I made all over my couch and table. My clothes were filthy and on the ground. Last night was one of those nights where I drank so much so quick that I literally blacked out. I am feeling so depressed and disappointed in myself. My family woke up to this monstrous mess in the house and they questioned me about it. I just made up some dumb excuse that I fell asleep and must have made the mess while I was asleep. They just looked at me and knew it was bs. I need this day to end. I just wish you guys were around right now so I could just get into a big group hug and someone can help take all these negative emotions outta my head for even 2 seconds. Alcohol is such a worthless substance

Anna

I had blackouts too, towards the end of my drinking days. They were so scary and horrible and yet, I, too, tried to lie my way out of them.

Use this experience as a motive to move forward with your recovery. I'm not sure how long you'd been sober, but do you have a recovery plan?

sva777

*hugs, I hope you don't dwell on this and move past it. You can make a note of this and learn from it, I have been there and made up stories of which my wife never bought.

2WheelsGood

Nothing like having your wife tell you what you ranted at her about last night and you are horrified that you don't remember and that you would say something that hurtful to her.

Again.

Wastinglife

Sounds familiar to me. I used to live with a gf a few years ago. She went away for a weekend once and I just drank my face off alone in the apartment the whole time. She got back Monday morning and our place was trashed. Beer bottles, liquor bottles, ashtrays, dirty dishes everywhere. She accused me of throwing a party and having girls over. Apparently, the people next door even complained to the superintendent about noise and banging at all hours if the night.

It was just me the whole time. A one man party. Even I was shocked that I could leave such a trail of destruction. I had no memory of much of the weekend.

Madness.....

LexieCat

I dunno. I think maybe one SHOULD dwell on things like this. Not forever and ever, but holy crap. THIS is life at its UNMANAGEABLE finest, for the alcoholic.

I think being appalled and ashamed is totally appropriate. This ISN'T OK behavior, it's a horrible thing for your family to have to experience--not to mention you.

So what are you going to do about it?

esinger

Are you done yet? I hope you are very soon before something really bad happens. It's all up to you you know. People will give you support but the actions needed to rectify this situation are solely in your hands.
I know it's tough but sooner or later the family will no longer want to put up with this behavior. I know this from experience. Time to break free. It's better on the other side. Trust me.

Hawk07

Towards the end in my blackouts I would awake with bruises and scrapes on my face from falling over and hitting my head on furniture or just plain face planting it somewhere possibly.. The lies I came up with to cover up for work were ridiculous. Also I live alone and I thought to myself one of these days I could knock myself unconscious and with the amount of alcohol in my system that could kill me.. No one would be there to help me.
You need to pick yourself up and move onward and upward. But I agree with Lexie, this is a serious warning and you need to take inventory of last night and remember it next time you feel weak. Blackouts are life threatening. You have been lucky so far.

Dee74

I'm sorry scared. I know the day after is a hard and desolate place to be.

You can absolutely make sure you never have to experience this again tho.

Are you ready to put your fear about change to one side now?
It doesn't sound to me like your present is all that great?

D

Madruski

This story reminds me of how dangerous blackouts are and the days of "one man parties"


1-I once too trashed my share house while everyone was away, ended up passing out with metal music BLARING all night.

2- out on a night I had lots of energy and decided to jump over a hedge. Little did I know the hedge was infront of a 3 mtr drop. I injured myself but still staggered home

3 - after waking up at from a black out at a friends house at 3am, I drove home - 50kms....(not proud)

4- told an ex girlfriend how much I really hated her, and many other nasty things.

5- passed out on a beach in Thailand, phone in one hand, wallet in an the other... Then staggered to my hotel.

My last black out was a quiet night in my kitchen and then bed, it looks like I have calmed down alot but I definitely plan on it being my last.

Writing this has opened my eyes alot more about the direction iam taking my life, and that I need to stop.

And your not the only one dealing with destructive blackouts.

Nonsensical

What will you do the next time you AV tells you it's a good day to drink? You know it will.

I found it helpful to have a plan.

Best of Luck on Your Journey.

Bird615

Blackouts were pretty regular for me.
The last one was getting up in the morning and seeing full cans of beer that had been thrown around the back yard. I still am not sure what happened, but I thought what if that had been the front yard? What if I get in my car and drive like that, (thank God I hadn't done that one yet), or wake up naked on my front lawn or something equally as mortifying? I knew anything was possible in a blackout and it scared me more and more.
It was time to stop before it got any worse and I know without a doubt that it would.
You can stop this now and never have to feel that way again.

PurpleKnight

Time to get a plan in place Scared, go at things again, but nothing changes if nothing changes.

For me support was a great weapon against my mind that was trying to convince me why having a drink was a really could idea, and that day will come again, putting in the preparation now may create a better outcome!!

You can do this!!

DitzyDandelion

So many talking about blackouts towards the end. I can remember ones years back and even had drinking breaks since then that weren't quitting it just wasn't a good time to be drinking. I could still do that easily way past the first time I started getting blackouts. Though drinking varies some want it every day some it's that if they do have one it goes crazy. Either way it has to be out of your life. I have had a lot of truly terrifying blackout experiences. Even scarier is the ones where I have no way to find out what happened. I am so glad for the most part it was always at home or I could have been in pretty serious danger. Though I have often walked out late on my own to get more drinks in that state. Not the best thing for a petite woman in a rough area.

Please stop it now. They do not get any better and it does get so much, so very much, harder to stop the longer you let the cycle go on. That state is so very dangerous as the things we do in that state are often beyond anything we would dream of doing sober. Also it gets worse. I can't tell you this enough. No matter how crazy you thought this was if you keep it up eventually you will do something even worse. From a woman who has ridden that ride far too many times trust me. You never want to see more of that from yourself.

Soberwolf

Scared spend today writing up a personal sober plan of action by staying sober your life will improve i dont need you to believe me youl seefor yourself how good it is when it happens

Good luck

Fly N Buy

I do not hammer people with one of the recovery programs I utilize. But, this morning I scanned through and read some of your other threads. I feel the pain your pain - I too was there - and know perhaps you just cannot see a way out.

One of your posts indicates you just can't imagine life with or without alcohol. This takes us to a very, very lonely place.

I felt compelled to share these paragraphs with you from a book I read. Perhaps you'll identify with some of the message - have you considered seeking outside support? It is what finally made the difference for me as I struggled mightily for many years.

start
For most normal folks, drinking means conviviality, companionship and colorful imagination. It means release from care, boredom and worry. It is joyous intimacy with friends and a feeling that life is good. But not so with us in those last days of heavy drinking. The old pleasures were gone. They were but memories. Never could we recapture the great moments of the past. There was an insistent yearning to enjoy life as we once did and a heartbreaking obsession that some new miracle of control would enable us to do it. There was always one more attempt - and one more failure.

The less people tolerated us, the more we withdrew from society, from life itself. As we became subjects of King Alcohol, shivering denizens of his mad realm, the chilling vapor that is loneliness settled down. It thickened, ever becoming blacker. Some of us sought out sordid places, hoping to find understanding companionship and approval. Momentarily we did - then would come oblivion and the awful awakening to face the hideous Four Horsemen - Terror, Bewilderment, Frustration, Despair. Unhappy drinkers who read this page will understand!
end

There are many who still suffer from our deadly illness. You are not alone, many have found a way out.

Hope you find some peace........

ElleDee

Those six words says it all!

CaseyW

Sobriety is a much easier, softer, happier way of life. Hope you'll take others advice and come up with a plan for how to deal with thoughts of drinking and then next time utilize this plan. Finding support for myself and helping others here on SR when I could have been the cornerstone of my recovery.

You are in my thoughts and prayers today...

afloatsober

Please dont despair.
I had blackouts where i lost the whole day. Would come round trying to piece together my movements and trying to remember where i put the car!!!

It all seemed routine to me then.Just another war wound for a hopeless drunk, before i discovered what was wrong with me, and more importantly, that there was (and is) a way out...

I am sober today. I feel no compulsion or craving for alcohol, and life is a damned site better.

I write this not to be smart or clever.

I really am neither.

I write this for YOU and to promise YOU that there is hope. Nobody, but NOBODY is a lost cause.

Yo are here. Stay here because YOU ARE WORTH IT!!!

Sorry for shouting people

G

sva777

I just was saying dwelling on things at least from my perspective hampers a situation (sometimes we fall into self pity, which can cause more drinking). We all know how horrible a situation is when it happens. Move forward but never forget what you do not want to have happen again.