mary2788

I have had depression since i was 15 when I was diagnosed with an eye condition. I have totally hit rock bottom..

I woke up in a field over the weekend after having my friends tell me off for being so intoxicated.

I use it to escape the pain and reality of being me. I hate myself but forget about the hate when I am drunk. I dont rink daily but when I do its a huge issue... i have no idea or control over when enough is enough.

This past weekend was definitely my worst experience I have ever had. Nothing like that has ever happend to me before.. but hte atermath of it is een worse. I am so lucky in so many ways but am unable to see that right now.. I am so down on myself..

I am doing everyhting I can to get help and beat this horrible disease.

But how do i get rid of this awful feeling??

least

Hard as it is, you have to come to the point of forgiving yourself like you would anyone else. It's easy to say and hard to do, I know.

Give yourself time and lots of self care. And stay sober, no matter what. Time heals all wounds.

mary2788

Your right, time will heal it..

Trust me, I will be doing all that I can to stay sober.. enough is eough..

THanks

Anna

Mary, I found that the alcohol made me hate myself more. Once I stopped drinking, I could begin to like and love myself. You can do this and you deserve a good life.

thomas11

Hi Mary, its a pretty normal feeling to get down on yourself after a bad night of drinking. Beating yourself up only adds to the shame and guilt and doesn't address the underlying issues as to why you drink to the point of having no control. Be kind to yourself, and spend the mental energy working on things to get better. Others will be along shortly to offer solid advice. I'm rather new myself, but I support your efforts 100%. I know how it feels.

Dee74

Hi Mary - welcome

I hated myself for a long time - decades - and stopping drinking seems counter intuitive to me - 'what? leave me totally unguarded against my self loathing?' no freaking way!'

But I trusted the people here like Anna who told me that was the way forward - I stayed sober - I examined who I was - the real me who emerged from my sobriety...and I found that guy was not as bad as I thought. In fact he was pretty cool, all things considering,

I know you'll find the same Mary - give yourself the chance

D

ckoures

I, too, have found alcohol made my self loathing even worse. Every time is have stopped for an extended period, I may have dealt with sadness but not with wanting to wipe myself off the earth. I'm here if you ever want to talk. Don't drink. It's the best choice you'll make

Berrybean

Stopping drinking would be a start. The emotional hangovers are often worse, and more drawn out than the physical ones.

blueberry2015

Oh hun. Ive so been there, we all have at some stage. You need to be kind to yourself and try and forgive yourself. That feeling of shame and remorse I only know too well. What is done is done you cannot change the past, that you have no control over, but what you do have control over is the future and if that means quitting then so be it, but only you can make that decision. Be kind to yourself hun x x Take responsibility for what happened, accept what happened and most importantly forgive yourself. X x x

mary2788

Thanks everyone! Its so amazing to have such great support and to hear that you have gone through the same thing. its great to know Im not alonei n this.

xoxo

Soberwolf

You never have to be alone again so glad you found SR

FreeOwl

Self-loathing and insecurity were a constant presence for me for a long long time.

It turned out that much of it was actually the result of my drinking and drug use - much moreso than the cause. I wasn't able to see that for a while in sobriety.

Sobriety gave me the space to break the cycle of self-loathing and work on the things within me that needed to be felt and processed and healed and allowed me to grow slowly through the maturing process that I'd stunted and tucked away for many many years - since turning to alcohol and drugs for relief at 14.

Underneath it all was sadness and abandonment and fear.... not hate. I hated myself for the way I was living my life, for abandoning myself, for trying to numb it all away instead of going within and protecting, healing and being there for ME....

Choose sobriety, do the work, get the support..... the hate will go away.

Meraviglioso

Mary, as many others do, I also relate to those feelings of self loathing. It is horrible. Really and truly horrible.
One thing that helps me move on from those feelings is to put every ounce of effort into doing something positive. though you probably feel like staying in bed under the covers, force yourself to get up. Clean your house, take out the recycling, go to the market and buy something healthy and come home and cook a healthy meal. Play with your children or pets if you have them. Weed your garden, sweep the street outside your house or apartment. Read an educational article. Pay a bill. Anything, do anything you can that is productive.
I also find self care to be enormously helpful. Instead of abusing your body with alcohol take care of yourself. You are a wonderful human being despite your disease. Care for yourself. Take a bath. Buy one of those at home facial masks at the supermarket and do that. Shave your legs and put lotion on. Make a special tea and sip it slowly. Care for yourself.
I am sure you are worried about your friends, I would be too. My mother used to (very kindly) remind me that I was not the center of the universe. She would say "do you really think you are so important that everyone you know spends all of their free time talking and thinking about you and what you have done?" She said it with love, rubbing my back, trying to assure me. I pass those words on to you with the same care and affection.

Lastly, here is a well known poem, which you probably know, but is worth reading again today in your dark moment. The title is an Italian word which means "desired"


Desiderata
Go placidly amid the noise and haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible without surrender be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even the dull and ignorant; they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain and bitter;
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.

Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs; for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals;
and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself.
Especially, do not feign affection.
Neither be critical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness. Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself.

You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be,
and whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.
With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.

© Max Ehrmann 192

Surrender2win

Welcome Mary. Some good advice here. Be kind to yourself and stay close to SR. This community is wonderful!

Nonsensical

Seems like a problem to me.

I went to my first AA meeting in 1990, and what I remember most is that I hadn't done any of that horrible stuff those people had done. Their stories were 10 times worse than mine. I must not be an alcoholic.

So I resumed my drinking life...

By 2013 I had done MOST of that horrible stuff. Do you suppose I was an alcoholic back in 1990? I think I was, and I wasted a lot of time I could have spent living sober.

Best of Luck on Your Journey.

BeanSkillet

Hang in there, Mary. Funny how we continue to drink even when we know it's making us miserable. Be good to yourself and keep trying.

Bird615

What FreeOwl said.
It was the same for me. While I was still drinking, I thought I was getting in touch with all this deep self-hatred and insecurity; I remember talking to my sister on the phone about it, saying I didn't realize how much I hated myself.
But I've found that since I've stopped drinking, that self-loathing has been going away. I'm actually starting to like myself again. It was the alcohol that was feeding it.

Mountainmanbob

Thank God for your desire to beat this horrible disease.
If you don't drink,
things and your thinking will get much better in short time.

I promise,
for many of us were in that same condition.

MM

CeeFarro

Welcome Mary!