KeepTruckin

I've written this post several times now, but for some reason it kept not posting. I will try again!

I drank. One week ago, got pretty obliterated the night after my father's funeral. I did not come straight here as I should have. And as people have pointed out, that first drink started in my mind days before I actually took it. I got through his passing, I got through helping arrange everything, I got through speaking at his funeral, I got through the family dinner, I got through everything until it was just me and my cousin, brother and husband. And then all bets were suddenly off.

I knew what I was doing and I knew I should have come here but I didn't. My mind was in a bad place and that's no excuse, but that's what happened. I'm disappointed in myself, but I'm going to double down my recovery efforts. Write out a new plan to stick to. It may double as a grieving plan, as I'm also still dealing with that.

I'm trying not to beat myself up too much. I mean, I am keeping myself totally aware of how I just said F it that night, but I should have been more careful before. I was just so... I don't know, lost? My friends mentioned how stoic I was at his funeral. Well, maybe I was, but I can only keep it up so long.

So this is day 7, although I was well past 90 days before that. It's been a rough couple weeks, but I'm hoping soon I can start putting the pieces back together. Right now, I'm trying to just slow down, relax, take time for myself and my family (my mom, specifically) and grieve without alcohol. I don't miss drinking. I do miss my dad.

Hevyn

I'm really glad you posted about what happened, KT. I'm so sorry that you lost your dad. It's hard to remain committed when you're in pain and grieving. You're back now, and that's what matters. Great job on your 7 days.

KeepTruckin

It was hard to post. First because I was so ashamed of myself. And then because, for some reason, it kept erasing my post every time I tried to submit it! This was my 5th attempt! But I had to get it out. The guilt of not sharing may have started to lead me astray. I need you guys for accountability. Thank you.

2ndhandrose

(((Keep Truckin))), I am so sorry about your father.

I hope you can find away to express your grief without alcohol.

And I hope you will be good to yourself, but tough on your AV.

Soberwolf

I think you are great for coming bk & trying again really respect that KT im really sorry for your recent loss bud excellent work reaching day 7

Keep on keeping on

Calitano

Sorry for your loss KeepTruckin.

I started drinking heavily when my father died a few years ago. Initially just after the funeral, then it escalated until it was 6 months then a year later and I was drinking every night, some weekend days, I was sad or hungover all the time and hadn't grieved properly. When I finally stopped all the grief was still there, waiting for me…

I'm really glad you're back on track, do all you can to stay there . I wouldn't wish my drunken depressive sadness on anyone. It was awful.

Dee74

I'm sorry for your loss and I'm sorry you drank KT.

I think drawing up a new recovery plan is a great idea - don't be afraid to challenge yourself a little and step out of your comfort zone if you think you need something more than SR.

D

PurpleKnight

Very sorry for your loss KeepTruckin, it's not easy!!

Glad though you're getting back into your recovery, I too when my dad passed drank myself into oblivion, so I can relate to the whole cocktail of emotions that you must have been feeling at that time, but it's time to dust yourself off and go at things again!!

You can do this!!

KeepTruckin

Thanks all! I'm going to work on my new plan this weekend. I've been so down and still so busy, its been all I can do to get done what I need to and shut off my brain enough to sleep. But I know I need to reevaluate if I allowed myself to relapse. I will post some more thoughts on that this weekend. It feels good to be back. I shouldn't have avoided the forum when I was having a hard time and I shouldn't have taken so long to come clean on here. I feel a lot better thanks so much always for the support!

FLCamper

If you don't mind me asking: did the others you were with know about your sobriety?
I'm just past 4 months and I've been doing well. I think that losing a parent or someone close could be my Achilles heel. And I wonder if anyone would step in and question me before I drank.
And, I am sorry for your loss.

KeepTruckin

My husband is really the only one who knows about my sobriety. And he did start to say something but I don't think he wanted to upset me given what was already going on. He was a drink or two deep before I started. And I had at least one drink before he saw me drinking so it's just as well that he didn't try to interfere more adamantly because that one drink got me drunk and it might have turned into a fight. But he did ask me if I was sure I knew what I was doing and I said yes. If I had been more aware of my triggers going off all around me and been posting here like I should have perhaps I would have remembered to ask him not to drink. Because he is very supportive and if I ask him not to drink, he won't. He just doesn't think my problem is as bad as I know it is, so he doesn't always know what to do. We did talk about it the next day.