A little lost here... Looking for some advice.
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Join Date: Jun 2015
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A little lost here... Looking for some advice.
My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 7 months now. We are completely opposites, he's fire I'm water. I'm a big "square" as he puts it, and he is the most rebellious go against the grain type of person I have ever met. I absolutely love that about him.
He told me early on that he was an alcoholic, something I brushed aside because I rarely saw him drink. When he did drink, it was only a few beers here or there. He is, and always has been honest and open about his drinking. We've had hours long discussions about his drinking, wether or not he thinks he is an alcoholic, because he can drink and knows when to stop. He was going to AA meetings last summer and was 5 months sober when he thought he could control it, and started drinking socially.
About a month or two after we started dating it slowly crept in. It was a beer every night, and then a bottle of wine every night. He had asked me to let him know when he was drinking too much, so I started blacking out days on my calendar that he would drink. Even if it was just a beer I would black out a day on the calendar. After a week of black days he asked what it was and I told him. It was an eye opener for him and he said he was going to go back to AA, he didn't want it to get as bad as the last time.
He went twice, and hated going. The thing about my ABF is that he knows he is an alcoholic, has done AA and absolutely hates it. He just wants to drink because he loves the way it tastes and they way it makes him feel. He loves getting wasted, so to speak. He doesn't understand why drinking and fighting isn't socially acceptable. He is an odd rough and tumble kind of guy who had started drinking at least a 12 pack every night. I would never tell him that he had to choose between me and alcohol, because I know he wouldn't choose me. I've told him that, and he has told me the same. Last night he even mentioned that if he kept drinking this way it would be the end of us. I told him I know. I have a 6 year old son, I can't have him around that. I will mention, that he has never been either.
He went to an AA meeting today after a night of heavy drinking and being so hungover he missed work. I'm very proud of him for going, and taking this first step and I told him so.
I do not have an addictive personality, I don't really enjoy drinking but maybe a couple beers or some wine occasionally. I've never been addicted to anything, and I've never been around someone with an addiction. I cannot relate to his situation and I have no idea how to act or to help. I let him talk as much as he wants to and try to offer any little bit of possible helpful advice. I know that it isn't something he can choose not to do.
I have looked around the posts and cannot really relate to that much. He gets more angry and aggressive when he drinks, but never toward me. He never makes excuses for drinking he just says that he wants to. I feel helpless and confused and I dont want to lose him. Any advice is appreciated!
He told me early on that he was an alcoholic, something I brushed aside because I rarely saw him drink. When he did drink, it was only a few beers here or there. He is, and always has been honest and open about his drinking. We've had hours long discussions about his drinking, wether or not he thinks he is an alcoholic, because he can drink and knows when to stop. He was going to AA meetings last summer and was 5 months sober when he thought he could control it, and started drinking socially.
About a month or two after we started dating it slowly crept in. It was a beer every night, and then a bottle of wine every night. He had asked me to let him know when he was drinking too much, so I started blacking out days on my calendar that he would drink. Even if it was just a beer I would black out a day on the calendar. After a week of black days he asked what it was and I told him. It was an eye opener for him and he said he was going to go back to AA, he didn't want it to get as bad as the last time.
He went twice, and hated going. The thing about my ABF is that he knows he is an alcoholic, has done AA and absolutely hates it. He just wants to drink because he loves the way it tastes and they way it makes him feel. He loves getting wasted, so to speak. He doesn't understand why drinking and fighting isn't socially acceptable. He is an odd rough and tumble kind of guy who had started drinking at least a 12 pack every night. I would never tell him that he had to choose between me and alcohol, because I know he wouldn't choose me. I've told him that, and he has told me the same. Last night he even mentioned that if he kept drinking this way it would be the end of us. I told him I know. I have a 6 year old son, I can't have him around that. I will mention, that he has never been either.
He went to an AA meeting today after a night of heavy drinking and being so hungover he missed work. I'm very proud of him for going, and taking this first step and I told him so.
I do not have an addictive personality, I don't really enjoy drinking but maybe a couple beers or some wine occasionally. I've never been addicted to anything, and I've never been around someone with an addiction. I cannot relate to his situation and I have no idea how to act or to help. I let him talk as much as he wants to and try to offer any little bit of possible helpful advice. I know that it isn't something he can choose not to do.
I have looked around the posts and cannot really relate to that much. He gets more angry and aggressive when he drinks, but never toward me. He never makes excuses for drinking he just says that he wants to. I feel helpless and confused and I dont want to lose him. Any advice is appreciated!
Last edited by kay2tees; 06-08-2015 at 07:21 PM. Reason: Forgot something
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
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You can't 'make' him do anything he doesn't want to do. The only thing you can do is set boundaries of what you won't tolerate from him.
Just be sure you keep to those boundaries tho, if he knows he can push your limits, he will.
Just be sure you keep to those boundaries tho, if he knows he can push your limits, he will.
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Join Date: Jun 2015
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Oh I know I can't "make" him do anything he doesn't want to. I've never pushed him to do anything, I just want him to be happy and healthy. He has openly said he is going down a bad path, he just wants to drink like everyone else. He doesn't want there to be a last drink.
I honestly haven't set any boundaries. I don't even know what boundaries I would set. He already doesn't drink around my son, so that doesn't need to be a boundary.
I honestly haven't set any boundaries. I don't even know what boundaries I would set. He already doesn't drink around my son, so that doesn't need to be a boundary.
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You might want to try Alanon....for those who love an alcoholic. I think there is a group here also for family and friends of alcoholics. You need to think long and hard about being with a drinker, and all that goes with it.
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Originally Posted by happyandfree 
You might want to try Alanon....for those who love an alcoholic. I think there is a group here also for family and friends of alcoholics. You need to think long and hard about being with a drinker, and all that goes with it.
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Texas
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Sorry for your situation kay. I have been living with an active alcoholic for five years now, and if I knew I had to deal with what I do now, I never would have gotten into this relationship. He is great on his work days when basically not drinking, and he is nice and caring. But he drinks nonstop on his off days, and I honestly feel like a babysitter. I am constantly having to say no to his unrealistic demands. Even though he does not get angry at me anymore, he does get angry like your boyfriend at other things, and I just don't like being around that. I know you love him, but here is my advice - you have only been with him seven months, get out while you still can with minimal drama. You have already stated that he is unwilling to give up the drink, so it will only get worse. I often feel anxious because of his behavior. When he drinks, he is always making plans with others and family which he does not run past me. I have basically told his family that "all bets are off" when he is drinking, and that they need to talk to me tomorrow when he is sober about anything he promised or planned. If it was like this 7 days a week, I would choose to end this relationship ASAP to protect my own health. Good luck to you.
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You can't make him change but you can give him a dose of truth. Lay that truth on him and be ready for whatever consequences follow. As you say, starting a family with an active alcoholic is not what you want for yourself or your six year old.
It's good to have you with, kay2tees. And I second the suggestion for Al-Anon. He doesn't have to go, it's for the loved ones of drunks.
AA isn't the only game in town, either. Maybe he needs to get proactive in dealing with his problem.
It's good to have you with, kay2tees. And I second the suggestion for Al-Anon. He doesn't have to go, it's for the loved ones of drunks.
AA isn't the only game in town, either. Maybe he needs to get proactive in dealing with his problem.
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