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Was doing well, now back at the bottom.

Old 05-11-2015, 01:40 PM
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One day at a time...
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Was doing well, now back at the bottom.

Hi all - I joined this site last October. October 27 was my first day sober and I went without a drop for 110 days straight. I felt great, lost about 20 lbs, became more active and felt, in general, a lot happier.

Feb 14, I attended my brother-in-law's wedding. I'm kind of invisible to my wife's family and her family's friends so I sat there bored, hours to go, thought what could a beer or two hurt to pass the time. I had maybe 3 drinks total. Enjoyed them for what they were, ate at the normal time. It wasn't a big thing, or so I thought. I felt in control and after that night, went back to not drinking.

Fast forward to March 7th (only 3 weeks later I realize as I type this out), we decided to take a family vacation from PA to FL to visit my wife's mom and step dad. I thought, eh it's vacation, may as well live it up. So I drank - started with a beer with dinner the first night. A few more the next few nights, and by the end of two weeks (with St Patty's Day in there of course), I was back to hammering bourbon, gin, vodka, whatever, lots of it, every night. But I figured once vacation is over, I'd go back to being dry.

Not the case. Fast forward to now, I'm back at the bottom - drinking 8-12 beers, or a half bottle of bourbon, or a bunch of gin and tonics - every night. It's out of control again.

I have a ton of triggers, basically everything in my life is a trigger. The one constant good thing in my life is my wife - she's absolutely everything to me, my only support and I'd be even more lost (or dead) without her. We have two sons, 9 and 7, one with a deadly peanut allergy and growth hormone deficiency (he gets daily injections of growth hormone), and one who is on the autism spectrum with speech issues and severe food aversion. That alone is crap you want to leave at the bottom of a bottle every night.

My parents and I have no relationship - two people who had no business being parents decided to have three kids. Happens a lot these days I guess. So yeah, no support there.

I still have a decent job but there are threats of layoffs so who the hell knows where that's going. I was really looking forward to relocating from here in PA to an office in Charlotte, because I can't stand where we live and my commute is 1.5-2 hours - but that fell through because NC and SC don't offer the same medical assistance for our boys' issues that we get in PA. The growth hormone treatment is $6000/month alone, which we thankfully have covered 100% in PA. That one was a huge trigger.

There's a ton more to list that I just don't feel like typing out - I'm not at all looking for a pity party - just wondering what the hell one is to do when they feel like everything is a trigger. I currently feel like I have this giant empty hole inside me that I try to fill with alcohol and it ain't working. I'm at a point where I hate the world and everyone and everything in it. I recently stopped believing in God (my kids go to catholic school) - how the hell could there be a God with as lousy as the world is and as messed up as my kids are and my family life is? I wish for an apocalypse (nothing against any of you).

I pissed off everyone on my wife's side of the family the other night because I was drunk and went and deleted all of them off my facebook because I think they're all a-holes (it was as stupid and childish as it sounds), thus creating a very awkward and lousy situation for my wife.

Not sure where to go from here, other than to just try to not drink and hope my thoughts and feelings go away or change. Also not sure how to repair the damage I caused for my wife and her family. Life just sucks and it doesn't look like it can or will get any better. End of ramble - if you made it this far, thanks for reading.
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Old 05-11-2015, 01:45 PM
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I'm sorry to hear about the above but I'm glad you're back on here. If you did it once, you can do it again. I understand feeling like everything is a trigger... Maybe for now try to avoid the big stuff where you know you'll be tempted.. weddings, vacation, etc.

Maybe once you sober up again some of those feelings will go away... Did you feel better about things last time you stopped?
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Old 05-11-2015, 01:46 PM
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I'm sorry to hear about the above but I'm glad you're back on here. If you did it once, you can do it again. I understand feeling like everything is a trigger... Maybe for now try to avoid the big stuff where you know you'll be tempted.. weddings, vacation, etc.

Maybe once you sober up again some of those feelings will go away... Did you feel better about things last time you stopped?
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Old 05-11-2015, 01:47 PM
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I'm sorry to hear about the above but I'm glad you're back on here. If you did it once, you can do it again. I understand feeling like everything is a trigger... Maybe for now try to avoid the big stuff where you know you'll be tempted.. weddings, vacation, etc.

Maybe once you sober up again some of those feelings will go away... Did you feel better about things last time you stopped?
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Old 05-11-2015, 01:47 PM
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That's tough Kraszy. There's nothing there that drinking will help fix. If I was in your situation, I'd see a therapist. That's not for everyone but I've done it when I felt isolated in the face of what seems to be a lot of problems. If you have health insurance, it should now be covered.

Good luck to you. At the very least I hope that you make a plan to get sober again.
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Old 05-11-2015, 01:48 PM
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Holy duplicates! How on earth do you delete a post?
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Old 05-11-2015, 01:52 PM
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Originally Posted by site1Q84 View Post
Holy duplicates! How on earth do you delete a post?
Got a laugh out of me though!
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Old 05-11-2015, 01:55 PM
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Originally Posted by buk1000 View Post
That's tough Kraszy. There's nothing there that drinking will help fix. If I was in your situation, I'd see a therapist. That's not for everyone but I've done it when I felt isolated in the face of what seems to be a lot of problems. If you have health insurance, it should now be covered.

Good luck to you. At the very least I hope that you make a plan to get sober again.
I agree, might not be a bad idea. I've done that in the past, several years back, and it helped temporarily with the triggers but the therapist didn't really take the drinking seriously, despite my repeating that I know I drank too much. Probably shouldn't go back to that one haha.
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Old 05-11-2015, 01:59 PM
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Kraszy, glad you are back posting... sorry about the circumstances surrounding the need to post, however.

You got to 110 days sober. That's incredible. You know how to do this, you have the strength and all of the tools to get back there.

Re-read your first sentence. That's what being sober felt like to you..." I felt great, lost about 20 lbs, became more active and felt, in general, a lot happier".

I'm sorry about your triggers and the challenges you are facing. All I know is that my life sober is way better than when I was drunk. It sounds like yours is too.

You can get back there. Dig deep and get back to that place for you. Everyone else in your life will benefit from the effort you put in.

You can do this.
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Old 05-11-2015, 02:09 PM
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I'm glad you posted. You have a lot to deal with in your family situation, but I'm sure you know that alcohol makes everything worse. You know you can do this as you had 110 days sober. You can do it again, and I think it's wonderful that you have your wife's support.
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Old 05-11-2015, 02:21 PM
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Very sorry to read about your troubles and the relapse after 110 days. There is only one thing you can do though. Start over again. Alcohol is not the answer for any of that stuff. I know it's not easy though and I wish you nothing but the best as you beat this.
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Old 05-11-2015, 02:25 PM
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I agree with Anna Kraszy - you know how to get sober - now you have to work out how to stay sober.

Do you think you've accepted now you can't drink?

D
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Old 05-11-2015, 02:32 PM
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Hey man, things sound tough for you. But I know you can pull through, bro. 110 is a verified signal of that.
Hope the kids are well and the wife is not too angry. Best of luck
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Old 05-11-2015, 02:43 PM
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Originally Posted by Dee74 View Post

Do you think you've accepted now you can't drink?

D
I think it's pretty clear now. Thanks Dee. It's good to hear from you.
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Old 05-11-2015, 02:56 PM
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Good your here Kraszy welcome bk
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Old 05-11-2015, 02:57 PM
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Thanks for sharing your story - best of luck getting back into the groove. You've done it once and can do it again.
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Old 05-11-2015, 02:58 PM
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Lot's of triggers - nothing goes bang unless we pull them.......

Some "play the tape". For me, I just fast forward to the highlight real of my last several drunks. For you, it may be the facebook rampage!

I took alcohol off the table as a viable option. So, when I am bored or tempted I have to replace those thoughts with some sort of action which does not involve booze.

We all have to find that way to get through moments of temptation.

It really doesn't matter what my way is, we each have to find our own path - our own journey.

When things get bad enough or if we are fortunate enough to see bad things on the horizon we quit. If we can remember those bad things we stand a chance. If not, we drink again - until.............................

Alcoholism is fatal and deadly. Each time an alcoholic drinks we play russian roulette with our lives and countless others - some of whom we love and know.


Glad you're here
Keep coming back
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