Sobriety as my "core being"
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: New Orleans, LA
Posts: 985
Sobriety as my "core being"
I've gotten notes and messages from concerned friends on these boards, as I stepped away from posting for the last month or so. That made me feel loved and supported, and I'm checking in to alleviate worry.
I am still sober.
I lost my mother a couple of weeks ago. She has been very sick with lung cancer for the last two years. I mourn the loss of her in my life, but also am relieved that was freed from a body which no longer served her.
I have tried to move through the grieving experience very consciously - allowing myself to feel sad, setting boundaries on my involvement in unhealthy family dynamics, writing and talking about her.
She died a very isolated and lonely woman, and much of this is attributable to alcoholism. My mother was brilliant and clever, but was also the drunk who said things that wounded people, things that couldn't be retrieved, things she often didn't remember having said. Over the years, my mother had alienated most of her friends and much of her family. Those of us still involved with her in these last years of illness were committed largely because of the memory of who she was long ago, before her bitterness (and its alcohol doorway) consumed her. There was almost no one left in her life, only a handful of people to mourn her.
As an only child who long ago lost my father, the loss of my only close original relative could have been a prime excuse to have a drink. It is the tradition of most cultures to soften mourning with alcohol. It is socially acceptable, expected almost.
I didn't drink. It wasn't just because so much of my sadness was for the life she lost to alcohol (rather than the final death). It was also because my own life is just shining and vital with my sobriety, and I am so scared to lose this joyous and growing time in my life.
I went on a sea kayaking adventure for my birthday. People drank in the evenings, after long days of paddling and practicing rescues in the extraordinary wild-sea landscape of Alaska. I was able to enjoy every minute of the trip, even the times around the campfire, without alcohol. I was fully in my body and in nature, proud of taking new risks.
I haven't been going to many meetings. I stopped posting on here for a while. I think that the theme of this last month has been about whether or not I can just have a foundation of sobriety, whether that is just who I am right now, without all the "recovery activities" with which I was filling my time and my life. I don't plan to drop meetings, or my involvement with SR; I think I just needed a little break. I needed to practice being ME without alcohol, but without recovery being the primary aspect of ME.
I'm coming up on my 9 month sobriety birthday. I moved past the weekend of my birth-birthday, which is when I relapsed last year. So the themes are death and birth. I keep thinking that 9 months is the period of gestation. That I'm about to be "born to the world" as sober. I'm seeing that even without the regular "protection" of 12 step meeting attendance, I haven't desired drinking. Wait, let me clarify that - I do occasionally see a beer and think it would be yummy, but I have zero interest in getting drunk, and if there is one thing that all my time on SR has taught me it is that I cannot drink a single beer and not follow that line all the way to drunkenness. And I don't want to feel that feeling in my body, which is feeling so alive and healthy!
So, no alcohol and no smoking still, and I'm out doing brave kayaking things in the sea. That's who I wanted to be when I got sober, and so that is who I am becoming - even though it is very scary.
I think we have to expand our recovery toward our dreams of ourselves, or it will not fill us up.
I am feeling full, and hopeful, and sober. I want to share that even while dealing with a deep grief, feeling the feelings is do-able. I feel like I actually processed my grief, and I'm proud of that. There are a lot of layers of this thing, and the ways we approach recovery will regularly morph and shift. As long as sobriety stays "core," we can move in and out of our support activities and explore the "world out there" with the confidence of knowing that we have this home to return to...
I am still sober.
I lost my mother a couple of weeks ago. She has been very sick with lung cancer for the last two years. I mourn the loss of her in my life, but also am relieved that was freed from a body which no longer served her.
I have tried to move through the grieving experience very consciously - allowing myself to feel sad, setting boundaries on my involvement in unhealthy family dynamics, writing and talking about her.
She died a very isolated and lonely woman, and much of this is attributable to alcoholism. My mother was brilliant and clever, but was also the drunk who said things that wounded people, things that couldn't be retrieved, things she often didn't remember having said. Over the years, my mother had alienated most of her friends and much of her family. Those of us still involved with her in these last years of illness were committed largely because of the memory of who she was long ago, before her bitterness (and its alcohol doorway) consumed her. There was almost no one left in her life, only a handful of people to mourn her.
As an only child who long ago lost my father, the loss of my only close original relative could have been a prime excuse to have a drink. It is the tradition of most cultures to soften mourning with alcohol. It is socially acceptable, expected almost.
I didn't drink. It wasn't just because so much of my sadness was for the life she lost to alcohol (rather than the final death). It was also because my own life is just shining and vital with my sobriety, and I am so scared to lose this joyous and growing time in my life.
I went on a sea kayaking adventure for my birthday. People drank in the evenings, after long days of paddling and practicing rescues in the extraordinary wild-sea landscape of Alaska. I was able to enjoy every minute of the trip, even the times around the campfire, without alcohol. I was fully in my body and in nature, proud of taking new risks.
I haven't been going to many meetings. I stopped posting on here for a while. I think that the theme of this last month has been about whether or not I can just have a foundation of sobriety, whether that is just who I am right now, without all the "recovery activities" with which I was filling my time and my life. I don't plan to drop meetings, or my involvement with SR; I think I just needed a little break. I needed to practice being ME without alcohol, but without recovery being the primary aspect of ME.
I'm coming up on my 9 month sobriety birthday. I moved past the weekend of my birth-birthday, which is when I relapsed last year. So the themes are death and birth. I keep thinking that 9 months is the period of gestation. That I'm about to be "born to the world" as sober. I'm seeing that even without the regular "protection" of 12 step meeting attendance, I haven't desired drinking. Wait, let me clarify that - I do occasionally see a beer and think it would be yummy, but I have zero interest in getting drunk, and if there is one thing that all my time on SR has taught me it is that I cannot drink a single beer and not follow that line all the way to drunkenness. And I don't want to feel that feeling in my body, which is feeling so alive and healthy!
So, no alcohol and no smoking still, and I'm out doing brave kayaking things in the sea. That's who I wanted to be when I got sober, and so that is who I am becoming - even though it is very scary.
I think we have to expand our recovery toward our dreams of ourselves, or it will not fill us up.
I am feeling full, and hopeful, and sober. I want to share that even while dealing with a deep grief, feeling the feelings is do-able. I feel like I actually processed my grief, and I'm proud of that. There are a lot of layers of this thing, and the ways we approach recovery will regularly morph and shift. As long as sobriety stays "core," we can move in and out of our support activities and explore the "world out there" with the confidence of knowing that we have this home to return to...
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: East Coast USA
Posts: 120,877
Great to hear from you, heartcore, and to see your ever-present, deeply essential self-awareness.
Good to see that you are doing so well and have resolved the loss of your mother in such a healthy manner.
What a wonderful post.
Good to see that you are doing so well and have resolved the loss of your mother in such a healthy manner.
What a wonderful post.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,513
Originally Posted by heartcore 
There are a lot of layers of this thing, and the ways we approach recovery will regularly morph and shift. As long as sobriety stays "core," we can move in and out of our support activities and explore the "world out there" with the confidence of knowing that we have this home to return to...
I'm glad you posted and that you are working through this difficult time in your life.
Trudgin
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 6,348
Eloquent thoughts well translated into words. Sounds like your on sound footing and finding your way!
Sorry about your loss. I still miss my Mom many years after she has been gone. The good memories flood over me from time to time, the bad - not so much.
I am certain she has forgiven me of my flaws by now...........
Thank you for the beautiful, heartfelt post. Wonderful insight
Sorry about your loss. I still miss my Mom many years after she has been gone. The good memories flood over me from time to time, the bad - not so much.
I am certain she has forgiven me of my flaws by now...........
Thank you for the beautiful, heartfelt post. Wonderful insight
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