SarahCantSleep

Hi, I'm 20 years old, I was on meth for about 2 years, but the last year was when I completely lost all control of my addiction. I was doing up to $100 worth a day and i COULD NOT do without it for one second. I was unbearable to everyone around me and I did anything I had to in order to get high.
I have a 3 1/2 year old son that I lost custody of two years ago due to my living situation being "not as stable" compared to my son's dad and his new wife - they only got married to look better at court. I lost custody in Jan. 2013. At that point, I was slightly dependent on Adderall since I'd been taking it for 3 years by then.
I started doing meth in April 2013, but i maintained my addiction because I was trying so hard to fix everything so I could get my son back. After about a 10 months of trying and failing to get my life on track, I let myself go out of control and my addiction got really serious really fast. I was too depressed and lost to care because not only did I not see my son, but my parents divorced after 23 years of marriage, my best friends who were like family, just abandoned me.
If no one else was going to care (or maybe they didn't even notice) that I was spiraling downward really fast then I sure as hell wasn't going to care either. So i started ripping people off so I could buy more drugs, I picked and scratched my arms all to hell, lived from place to place, lost interest in life, and had no plans of surviving this storm of self destruction.
For the last year I put myself on auto pilot because I couldn't handle any more heartache or pain. In October I had been sleeping at a park when I was arrested for failure to pay child support and 4 counts of felony drug paraphernalia. I spent a month in jail. My dad came to see me and that's when I saw how worried, worn down, and weak he had become and I didn't want to be the cause of his pain anymore. I spent my 20th birthday in jail which sucked too.
The night I got out of jail, I broke all my promises I'd made myself and went and got high. I stayed high the next month, just as bad as I had been before jail, until the guy I was withs dad kicked us out after finding our lightbulb near his 5 year old step daughter. We wandered the streets until I started puking blood non stop all afternoon and went to a gas station where my boyfriend's dad (he was still angry about the lightbulb) picked us up and took me to my dad's house where my dad was so worried about me still puking that when I tried to leave, he physically restrained me until I quit screaming and fighting him.
I stayed in a foggy, depressed mental state for two weeks and I can't even recall seeing my mom when she came to see me for a few hours. I decided after all that that rehab was my only option. I left on December 12,2014. I did good in there despite being judged by the other girls. I got discharged January 26, 2015 for breaking quite a few unimportant rules.
I relapsed a few days later because I was around meth and silly me, I thought I could just not do it, but when I saw it on the table ready for me to enjoy, I just couldn't say no. A few days after that I started seeing Steve (who is 17 years older, responsible in every area of his life, sober, and very attractive ). Being with him made the withdrawals less depressing, although I took a few adderall to help with the overwhelming cravings which he didn't approve of.
We had been riding around the east coast in his 18 wheeler when I got convicted of the felony paraphernalia charges and was placed on felony probation for 6 years. I can't go ride with Steve now because I cant miss monthly probation meetings, so he's gone for a month at a time. I'm struggling with all of these obstacles in my way of being successful, such as the $300 a month in child support I pay for my son who they still wont let me see, $100 for probabtipn, loss of license for six months, and monthly probation meetings. I can't work yet because I have no way to get there and I can't get a car until I save up some money. Its a lose/lose situation.
The last two weeks since Steve is gone in the truck, I have been heavily taking adderall and last night I relapsed and did meth which is making me feel so guilty and depressed. I don't know how to handle all of this stuff, go to college, get joint custody of my son, and battle every other obstacle. I need serious suggestions.

PurpleKnight

Welcome to the Forum Sarah!!

Sounds like it's time to draw a line in the sand, as these "obstacles" have been created by your addiction, but you don't have to let it stand in your way, you can turn things around.

It's gonna be rough to begin with, most of us dug ourselves into a hole that we first needed to dig our way out of again before we could rebuild a new Sober life, but in time and with small steps, you can rebuild your life too , and hopefully be reunited again with your son.

Don't let your addition keep preventing you from having the life that you want, stop giving it all the cards.

You'll find loads of support here on SR to help you do it!!

Soberwolf

Welcome Sarahcantsleep

ScottFromWI

Welcome Sarah. Sorry to hear of your struggles, your story is all too familiar to many of us here.

I would personally say that you should really try and simplify things first. You have many issues to deal with, but the one that is really at the root of them all is your drug use. It is not possible for any of the other things to get better until you stop, so that should be your main focus in my opinion. There are low cost and free detox/rehab programs out there...i'd highly suggest you try and find something of that nature. Or at least find an NA meeting to talk with some other addicts that might be able to help you.

We also have a substance abuse forum here too you may want to check out
Substance Abuse - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

Nowsthetime

My serious suggestion: get serious about your recovery. I hear your AV and excuses all over your post. First you say that you were unbearable to everyone and did anything to get high, but then you say your friends "abandoned" you. You just wanted them to keep putting up with your BS?

Then you say that your living situation was "not as stable" as your baby's dad... Well, isn't it? Why would you put in in quoutes? Is your living situation acceptable for a 3.5 yr old to be in?

Then you said that you "maintained your addiction because you were Trying so hard to fix everything to get your son back"... How can you even reason that way?

Then you were too depressed because you haven't seen your little one and b/c your parents split... To me sounds like you AV making up excuses.

The. You said that if nobody cared why should you? Well, it's YOUR life...

Then you say you got kicked out of rehab for breaking a FEW "unimportant rules"... Seriously?

Then you say you can't work because you don't have a car... Have you heard of public transportation, or bicycle?

And last but most unnerving comment: "I'm struggling with all these obstacles in my way of being successful." All these obstacles YOU have created, nobody to blame but yourself. The good thing is that YOU can also remove all these obstacles by getting serious about your sobriety.

I would suggest that you start designing a plan. Read around here and you will get lots of ideas. I'm not trying to be harsh, I'm just stating what I see from your post. This insanity can end but it is completely up to you. Are you ready to get serious, surrender and do the work?

Use us as much as you need. This place is great for support and info.

You are young and you have he rest of your life ahead. How do you want to make it?

VirginiaWoof

Welcome to the forum

It sounds like your Dad wants to support you. I know you don't want to worry him but he is already worried. Can you go and see him, have a chat with him?

Anna

I think that all the obstacles in your life have been created by your drug use. I think that first and foremost you need to get and stay sober. Once you do that you can begin to deal with other things, especially with financially supporting your child and working to get partial custody.

Have faith that you can do this.

FeelingGreat

Do everything possible to get and maintain sobriety. Nothing else matters because sobriety is the only chance you have of making amends to your son and loved ones. If you're lucky enough to get into rehab again stick to the rules and don't give them a chance to throw you out.
Is this how you imagined your life? Find good medical support for your depression and a rehab. You can do this, but you have to want it more than anything else.

Mysusnshine1

I agree with Nowsthetime.
What I read in your post was every time you started to get your life back together you went to meth and it fell apart again.
I think that most of us on the form will tell you we had all the reasons under the sun to justify our addictions, but it wasn't until we ourselves got tired of hearing them and saying them that we drew that very line in the sand.
The other thing I can tell you is that I had a lot of people care for me and see me continue to spin out of control. It didn't make a difference I was going to drink because I wanted/ "needed" to drink. You have to want to change for yourself not others around you.
I found a quote last night that is helping me get through a stressful situation maybe it will help you too.

"Strong women do not play the victim, they do not make themselves look pitiful, and they do not point the figures at others. They stand up and deal."
-Mandy Hale

I am on the road to becoming that strong woman. This form is very powerful and helpful. There is always someone here that will give you that nudge in the right direction to sobriety.
Welcome to Sober Recovery!

amandamarie

I do not want to offend you. Please understand that what I am saying is coming from first hand experience. You remind me so much of me a few years ago that I have to give you my opinion in hopes that it will get through to you, and help you.
First off, I have been where you are. I was a heavy drug user for many years. I was in and out of jail, I was homeless, I spent my days shooting up heroin, crack, and meth, and doing whatever I had to to get more. (You can piece that together) I lost my daughter when she was 9 months old because of all of those reason. For the longest time I resented everyone who took my baby from me. CYS, my family, and my baby's fathers family. I hated them. I felt like even though I as on drugs I was a good mother. I was not accountable for the fact that I had my daughter living in a motel, I was not working, and had the exact same excuse as you. I did it to myself. Looking back today I thank them all for taking her, because my baby deserved better than I was at the time.
I hear you saying that that you want your child, but then you are saying right after you just did meth, and have been taking Adderall. You say it was right in front of you so you did it, but why were you even in the house where their was meth if you wanted to truly change? I mean did you not know you were in a place where drugs usually were? You seem to blame every person, and situation without taking accountability. If you think everyone else is the problem, you will never get to the root of the real problem, and the real problem is you. You say you got kicked out of rehab for not following "unimportant" rules, but rules are in rehab to teach you responsibility. If everyone else must follow them why did you feel you were the exception? I am not trying to lecture you, but it took tough love to get through to me, and you seem to need some right now.
At this point if you are still using drugs do you really in your heart believe that you have a stable environment to bring your child to? You seem to expect things to just fall into place without work, and commitment. It took me 2 years almost of not doing drugs to get my daughter back. I spent nights with her, and built our relationship to where I knew she would be comfortable living with me. I did not want to be selfish, and just rip her out of the home she knew for my own selfish reasons. Sure I missed her everyday, but part of being a parent is putting your child above yourself. You need to do that. You will never get him back by blaming everyone else.
When I realized I was the problem, and I got her taken away that is when I truly grew up enough to change my life. I now have a nice stable home, a fiance, my bills are always payed on time, and in general I am just like every other mother at the bus stop now. The ones I have told about my life could not believe that I could have ever been that person. So just understand you can change, but first you have to be accountable for the fact that this is your problem, and you brought it on yourself. I hope I was not to rough. I do not want to offend you, or hurt your feelings, but you have to get yourself together before you will have any chance at getting partial custody of your child.
If you ever need someone to talk to who has been their, please feel free to message me. I really do wish you the best, and you really can do this. You just need to put in the effort.

Mysusnshine1

Sarah, Please don't feel like we are beating against you. We really are trying to help you see that in our own mistakes we have wasted to much time blaming others. We all have come to our concussions in and at our own times. Many of us have children who we have lost or come too close to losing. We just want to give you our experiences in hopes that you will come to your own conclusions much faster than we did and get back to a life with your son. Each and everyone of us is here for you.

SarahCantSleep

I really appreciate y'all being honest with me. When I was writing this post, I was lot in it so I know that I wasn't just saying whatever sounded best. And after hearing yalls feedback and reading my post again, I see that I am blaming everyone else. This is strange for me because I thought I had already come to the realization it was all my bad decisions and actions that caused my problems but after seeing this, maybe I haven't really accepted full responsibility for my situation. I have to make peace with all of these mistakes bc it hurts to think I could be so self destructive. Thank you guys.

VirginiaWoof

I think you've taken a HUGE step towards recovery. To take on board what people have said (and 'getting' everyone REALLY has your well being at heart) is a big thing.

I know so early in my recovery I would have seen how right people were but fought against accepting it.

I really do hope this is going to be the time you 'crack it' xx

MIRecovery

It is good that you see that your addiction is the source of your problems. Addiction is progressive so the question is what is your plan to eliminate all mind altering substances (including Adderall) from your life?

You can so this!

CeeFarro

Welcome, Sarah!

CeeFarro

Just curious...have you considered inpatient treatment?

Dee74

Some great advice here Sarah.
I'm really glad you've joined us - welcome
D

Venecia

Welcome to SR, Sarah.

You wrote that you must meet monthly with a probation officer. Is he/she someone you could talk to about the struggles you face?

Another option is dialing the 211 line for help.

You have many challenges, but none that are insurmountable, and many reasons to work hard on your sobriety. Take care.

bigsombrero

Welcome Sarah. As others have mentioned, it might be good to start tackling one problem at a time instead of lumping everything together. Inevitably it will start to feel like the walls are closing in on you, and when that starts to snowball, recovery seems unrealistic.

You're really young, you have plenty of time to get things together. Look at things in terms of basic survival right now: you need to get off drugs. First and foremost. You mentioned that you have had huge problems with meth, and now you're using again. You simply can't survive if this continues. So do your best to take care of this first. Don't worry about the rest, it will fall into place once you get sober. Make that your first and most important priority. How can you do this? 1. Call help lines. 2. Get to a detox clinic, even a low-cost one. 3. Explore treatment options, talk to a social worker or parole officer. 4. Stay away from anyone who supplies you with this kind of stuff. 5. Find a local Narcotics or Alcoholics Anonymous meeting, and go.

Good luck, there are many things you can do! In no time, things will be okay again, but you must bite the bullet and stop the madness. Until you get sober, nothing will get better. Do you know any meth users who are great mothers and pay their rent on time and have great jobs? You would be the first - so let's tackle this drug use thing first! Welcome and all the best! Keep posting, please, and keep reading the forum. It's a great support network.

Tamerua

I have seen people in similarly desperate situations turn their lives around once they really focused on recovery.

Try and find a program, like treatment or sober living, etc. things will turn around then.