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what was your moment of clarity?

Old 03-31-2015, 08:34 PM
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what was your moment of clarity?

the time it hit me that i absolutely HAD to stop, that i simply couldn't keep doing this to myself any longer was when i was reading through my old diaries. they are about 3 years old and on almost every page i had written, in some form or another, 'i have to stop drinking'. it almost felt like i was reading a young strangers diary and i felt like screaming 'why the hell aren't you stopping?! you keep saying you will but you never do!!' i realized that 3 years later NOTHING has changed. my life had ground to a stand-still and has been stuck there for 3 entire years.
it was then that i knew (KNEW) that i was going to change things. not needed to, not wanted to but was going to change things and get serious. my moment of clarity.
how about you?
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Old 03-31-2015, 09:05 PM
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I had many moments of clarity that I ignored and found a way to drink through. Once I broke a window by knocking on it so hard and cut my hand deeply. Scared me straight until the next night. All right, I'll save the war stories....

My moments of clarity came in the spring of 2014, exactly one year ago. I had a few. The first I arrived at work and was alone in the office that day. I was terribly hungover, but that didn't make this morning any different from the day before or before that. I was hungover every day. But this particular morning was different. By this time my pattern was the same. I'd wake up, do a quick inventory of the hangover. Is today gonna be a nine? A nine was the type of hangover where you can get through work but it's hell. Splitting headache, cold sweat on your brow and your underarms, clammy, heart palpitations that come and go throughout the day, feelings of terror and doom. Anyways....

I arrived at work, empty office, and I sat at my computer and did my usual how the **** am I going to get through today? That day was different. I could not sit still. I paced around the office and was only taking in half breaths. Was I finally going to have a panic attack? Right here at work? I would calm myself and sit but could not read through an email in its entirety. I was up again and pacing, sweating, cold yet feeling like I was burning up. I swore to myself that was it but it wasn't. I drank that night. How I got through that day at work, I don't know. I had always prided myself on not letting my daily hangovers affect my work but on that day, I realized it was going to start affecting my work.

Final moment of clarity? Much more simple. I woke up on June 27th with the worst hangover I had ever had. And that is saying a LOT. I had been hungover for years but something about this day was different. I was so tired I could not move yet I was so wired I kept turning over in bed. It hurt to open my eyes. It hurt to speak. My body hurt. My liver hurt. My head hurt so much that it didn't hurt. It felt like it was churning. My heart hurt. I thought I was going to have a heart attack.

Well, sorry for the long post. I realized that I was going to die, and probably soon, if I continued. I'm only 32 but I drank a LOT and daily in the past ten years. I just couldn't do one more hangover.

They kept getting worse too. The amount of alcohol kept increasing to reach a buzz which I couldn't really reach anymore. Alcohol was no longer pleasurable. It physically stopped working.

Addicts start out loving what they are doing, whatever it is. Then, they do it too much, it changes their brains and bodies, and then they keep doing it but now it doesn't make them feel great, they are just trying to feel normal or even trying to feel great again (with no luck) but because their body chemistry has changed they no longer feel good when the drink or whatever they do. It's no longer partying. It's turned into maintenance.

I had reached this point. Alcohol would numb the hangover that night but I felt like **** when I would drink.
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Old 03-31-2015, 09:10 PM
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Its hard to say there is a moment of clarity for me when in all honesty, I can not be certain that this time is the time I quit for good. I read through my journals recently and saw the same message scrawled over and over as well. Moments of extreme clarity are dotted throughout my life in many areas, I suppose the important thing is when i decide to act. Often I realize the right path, and then go down the wrong.
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Old 03-31-2015, 09:26 PM
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When I lost my wife and young children that now only "visit" their Dad...hard knocks!
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Old 03-31-2015, 09:45 PM
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Waking up from a DTs induced coma with my hands tied to the ICU bed, a breathing tube down my throat and IVs in every limb. That happened two years ago and it still feels like yesterday. As clear as it's going to get for me.
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Old 03-31-2015, 10:27 PM
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I won't go into details because I still cringe when thinking about it. But it was the day before I joined this site.

With hindsight it should have been a day in late 1986 when my life changed forever due to alcohol. I just didn't realise it. I am in a different country, in a different occupation and still kicking myself because of that event.
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Old 03-31-2015, 10:27 PM
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My moment of clarity is when I cheated on the love of my life with a mutual friend, and had no memory of it afterward, only a feeling of deep regret. A month or so later when I found out with out a doubt that sex had occurred I told my boyfriend... and our relationship was forever damaged. Knowing that I could have lost him over alcohol, I realized that alcohol was destroying my life. My life had become unmanageable... That night I blacked out was my rock bottom, and then it became my moment of clarity.
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Old 03-31-2015, 11:49 PM
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Nothing in particular. I just realized that I was sick of being drunk, being hungover, hiding, lying and being a recluse and a half-ass mom.

Smadams, it is great to see you again! I hope you read through your last thread; there is a lot of addictive voice talking in there. Your thread actually helped me prepare for convincing arguments for reasons to drink.

Great job coming back. I read through old journals, too. That usually does it; it is pretty sad.
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Old 04-01-2015, 12:46 AM
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Smadams, it is great to see you again! I hope you read through your last thread; there is a lot of addictive voice talking in there. Your thread actually helped me prepare for convincing arguments for reasons to drink.

that's kinda how i felt it would sound when i was saying it, but.....there are no buts are there? i will get there. and i did read through it again, thank you
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Old 04-01-2015, 12:56 AM
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I still read through it. It really helped me nail down a lot of the addictive voice recognition. I did, said and thought all of those things.
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Old 04-01-2015, 02:16 AM
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My moment of clarity was when I really realised the pain i was causing myself, my partner and my family. My mum was ill seeing me being a drunk everyday. The outgoing, happy woman I used to be was gone. Hatred for myself was so stiffling I couldnt breathe. Same crap every single day.

In 9 months of soberiety I've achieved more personally than in my 16 years of drinking. Clarity for me is that realisation every day.

Wishing you well.
Leigh x
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Old 04-02-2015, 12:39 AM
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I think that addicts can have moments of clarity and ignore them. I had many but decided to act on it the next day. Make that the one after that.

I suppose that a real moment of clarity is when we take action.

My final moment of clarity was accepting that I couldn't and wouldn't drink anymore.
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Old 04-02-2015, 12:56 AM
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To this day I still don't understand my moment of clarity and maybe I never will.

I was sitting on my couch on a Saturday afternoon. I had been drinking all day as usual and then something just snapped. Something opened or closed, not sure which.

I decided to call AA. I have no memory of anything that was going through my mind at the time. I don't recall anything specific. I just looked up the number on my computer, made the call, agreed to go to an AA meeting and my journey began.

It felt like surrender. I was at an emotional bottom.
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Old 04-02-2015, 04:23 PM
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i have had my moments before, but they all seem very 'vague' and unclear in their existence, determination-wise (i'm sure that doesn't make any sense).

i had plenty of 'i can't any more' and 'this has to end', as well as 'this is it, my last night drunk'. but this time was very different, it wasn't ME thinking it, it was my mind taking over and i had no say in it whatsoever. that's not to say it wasn't tough, cause the temptation was still there as well as that nagging voice in my head, but i literally can't do it now. my mind, or something anyway, is in control of this.
a little explanation: i always feel guilty for eating, always. this voice in my head berates every little bite i take and calls me all sorts of horrible names, and i can and do ignore it for the most part but every now and then, it simply takes over and, even though i want to, i can't eat for days. i don't have a choice in it at all. i think this powerful voice i hear now stopping me from drinking every night, is that same voice and it will only get stronger. it is so hard to break free from, but why would i want to break free from it in this case?? i am more than happy to let it do its thing, i will drink less, over time i will stop completely (trust me, the voice will put its foot down on that), i will be healthier and happier and i may just lose weight as well.
that voice that keeps me drinking? its gonna die. this voice is much more powerful and has no reason to leave. thank God it arrived full force!
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