TennantSmith

I tell myself that there is no way I am an alcoholic since I only drink once a week. But once I start I can't stop.

I tell myself I'm fine because my bills are paid. But I currently don't have a car because I was more interested in my drinking in the past than keeping up with maintenance. I still remember the day the low pressure light came on. I was driving to the bar. I didn't want to waste time stopping to get my oil changed. I wanted my drink. My motor blew up 2 months later. 20 minutes after taking my extra cash to pay it off. And even though I have my degree now, I can't find a job in my field because I need a car. I need a new job to get a car. It's a crazy little place to be in.

I joined a challenge to make 5 healthy changes in my life during Lent. One thing I put was to not drink. I have an app where I mark if I completed each of my 5 goals or not. I can then click on the individual goal and see how often I've been successful or not. I noticed something very revealing:

There is a VERY specific pattern to my drinking. Every 5 days for the past two months, I drink. Without fail. On the dot. I keep telling myself, "Get past that 5 days and break that thought pattern. It's a first step" and the 5th days gets here and I find a way to drink.

My oldest daughter is 18. I drank a couple weeks ago. She came over. I was quite drunk. I yelled at her. I don't have a clue what I said. She left and won't speak to me. I'm not ashamed that we fought because there are specific things that are going on with her that need addressed. I'm ashamed that I don't remember the conversation.

I go 4 days and I'm fine. I don't think about drinking. I go about my day. I do what needs to be done. Then boom. And whether I have 3 beers or 12, I wake up feeling like I've failed. Like I'm empty. That I'll never quit.

It was almost easier to believe I could quit when I was drinking 4 or more times a week. That was excessive and I could say "This is a problem" but knowing I am down to 1 time a week and can't quit, it scares me more because how bad of a problem is it if I can't let go of that 1 day?

Or do I hold on to that 1 day because I convince myself that it's not a problem since I've cut back so much?

I want to be free of this. It NEVER brings me anything good. I either get emotional or mean. Or I am around people I would never want to be around sober. Or I eat too much and ruin my healthy goals.

I drink 1 time a week and need to stop.

I've quit smoking. I work out. I eat better. I've begun medicine to treat my ADHD. But one day a week, I decide to throw it all away to drink. And I almost always make a fool of myself.
Thank you for reading.

Bmac

Welcome! You will find alot of support here.

Have you tried making a very detailed plan for your 5th day that does not include alcohol, or are you going with the flow and your regular routine?

SoberLeigh

Hi TennantSmith.

Identifying ourselves as alcoholics, and accepting our alcoholism, is a difficult thing to do but it is probably one of the most important steps to sobriety and recovery.

If drinking and alcohol is causing a problem in your life, it is a pretty good indication of a major problem with alcohol and quitting solves that problem - aaahhh, freedom.

Glad that you are posting; SR is a great place for encouragement, support and understanding.

biminiblue

Sounds like you know you have some sort of problem with alcohol. No one here will tell you that you are an alcoholic.

I do know that the solution is to make it past that five days, and then never pick up that first drink again.

Ta da.

Welcome to the forums, check out the various sections and "Class of March" thread.

Komplex

Welcome. SR is awesome, you will not be sorry you came.

Soberwolf

Welcome Tennantsmith

TennantSmith

Thank you for all of the responses. I never make a specific plan for that day. I kind of think of some things in my head like "come to SR and go to chat" "Read posts" "workout" "Watch movies" but once the idea of drinking is in my head, I go.

The thing is, I am very much aware of what I'm doing. I even go through the whole "You wanted to make it past the 5 days. You know you'll feel like crap tomorrow. You know this is stupid" and I reply "I don't care right now"

So, I agree that I need a very detailed plan for that day and to stick with it.

SoberLeigh

My thinking was very much the same (except that I always wanted to get through Day 1).

Hereandnow2

Well this is a similar thought I've been having but I realized at a meeting last night, it has nothing to do with how much you drink it's about your thinking and how it affects your life. I was the same way with the five day mark, I needed aa for more support!

TennantSmith

I keep telling myself to approach this as I did smoking. I got through the first two weeks by simply saying "Well, I made it through today. Let's do it again tomorrow." That's it. Just day by day.

I didn't complicate it. I didn't try to find some huge meaning. I just got through each day. I've been smoke-free for almost 3 months now.

I need to do the same with drinking. I got through today. Let's do it again tomorrow.

SoberLeigh

You can do it, TennantSmith; I am sure of it.

biminiblue

I set the goal early on that I would go to bed sober.

Every day, I repeated that to myself in the morning when I was feeling so good and not hungover.

Day five is no different than day one.

There is a moment when we decide to drink. That is the moment to stop it and change the pattern. There is a period of time between saying, "I don't care right now," and the actual act of drinking. That is the period of time to have a go-to plan. Come to SR, call a sober friend, go to an AA meeting, walk, put on some favorite calming music, take up needlework - whatever it takes to not pour it in your mouth. It is in your control to save your own life. It's a habit that needs to be broken.

Alcohol abuse is progressive. This battle every five days will eventually become every third day, then every day. The way you describe your drinking - there is no other outcome.

TennantSmith

Biminblue, I agree 100% because that is how I used to drink. And that's why I know I have to take control of it now because I don't want to return to that place.

I've lost so much because of my drinking. More than I ever realized. Relationships, contentment, peace, trust, material items, jobs. I'm just now fully coming to terms with what drinking has done to my life. So, I should probably stop wondering "If" I have a problem and accept that I "Do" have a problem.

biminiblue

It is so much easier to not drink at all than to try to moderate.

I mean, 10,000% easier.

Plus the rewards are astounding. Just the physical health alone is worth it.

resolute50

Hello Tennant,

For me quitting smoking(over 25 years ago) was a lot different than stopping the drinking. I was able to stop smoking and still frequent the bars.
But, when I quit drinking, I had to change my life around to better suit somebody that doesn't drink anymore. Change friends, or I should say, acquaintances. I really never counted drinking buddies as true friends.

I think that is one of the big contributors to my being able to stay sober for almost 2 years. I have changed habits that would lead me to drinking.

SoberLeigh

^^^^^ What bim said!!!!!!

newlifecy

Good for you, reaching out and wanting to discuss what's going on! We can't do this alone. I recommend going to an AA meetings if you want to change your life. There you will find face to face support. Women who will be there for you, not only on day 5 but every day. You never have to drink again if you don't want to. That's the beautiful truth. =)

TennantSmith

resolute, you are absolutely correct and I never thought of that.

The thing is and what's actually sad is that the bar I go to is walking distance. No one there really likes me. I don't really like them. I go because it's close. I don't have a way to get anywhere else.

Over the past year or so, I've managed to alienate almost everyone in my life. I was raped almost 4 years ago. I have so much anger inside that if people get close, I blow. I blow big.

The ADHD medicine is helping. Though, it is recommended to not drink on it or only very little due to it's increase incidence of liver issues. I've drank twice on it in 2 weeks. I wake up the next morning very very sick. The medicine causes alcohol to process differently.

I'm rambling but what I realize when I am not drinking and my thinking is more clear is that I am better than this. I've been told repeatedly that I am more fun, pleasant, outgoing, and enjoyable to be around when I am NOT drinking.

I can do this. I know I can. It's just choosing to follow through and act on that knowledge.

biminiblue

It is hard to work through something like rape. Have you considered counseling or a support group for moving through the feelings you have regarding that?

I know you know that it wasn't your fault. You can't change what happened in the past but you can learn to not dwell on the memory and to forgive your attacker.

I don't believe no one likes you or that you've alienated everyone. That sounds like something I've told myself in the past, but it isn't true. It's a lie based on self esteem, and that can be mended.

TennantSmith

bim, I did counseling for a while. I'm also a social worker and I would spend a lot of the sessions trying to counsel myself. My counselor told me "I don't know what you are wanting from me" so I stopped going because I was figured no one could help me.

I was wrong and should have just let go of control and let her do her job.

I'm looking into restarting since as I give up vices, more and more feelings are coming to the surface.

I've also become certified as a Victim's Advocate. I attend events and speak about my experience. I do some volunteer work. I write A LOT. I'm also in the process of starting a support group for victim's/survivors that I will facilitate.

The more I read on this thread and the more I write, I realize that I have all the tools in place to be successful (asking for help, knowledge, exercising, developing other healthy habits, etc). I just have to use them.